Worth It?

I've been in turmoil. Lots of it. Regarding having children. Or doing foster care. Or adopting. I've been assurred by a LOT of people that in the future, when I look at those children, all of "this" will be so worth it.

They are so sure.

If the day comes when I am looking at my children - be they biological or not - I am sure that all of "this" will, in fact, be worth it. I am sure that in their eyes, I will see more than enough hope to balance the despair that is part of this journey. I am sure that in my heart will be more love than I can currently imagine. I am sure the joy in their laughter will override the sorrow we live with now.

But. What if the day doesn't come? What if we don't ever have children? What if, because of this flawed, imperfect world we live in, something happenes to or in my body that eliminates my ability to bear children? What if something happens to Derek that eliminates his ability to father them? What if we never have the financial resources for IVF or adoption? If that happens... will this all be worth it? Does the pain and uncertainty of not trying outweigh the pain of trying and failing? If not, then this is not worth it.

People are so certain that we'll succeed. They're totally convinced that we've misinterperated our situation, that things aren't bleak, that we'll have a "miracle" baby when we least expect it. But what if they're wrong? I'm not so convinced. I don't like admitting that. And maybe right now, my view is being tainted by the reappearance of much pain and surgery looming in the near future. But. If they are wrong, and we do not have kids... is it still worth it to try?

MckMama gives birth to one small MckMuffin.

So MckMama... is currently witnessing direct, physical manifestation of the miracle working power of our God. Our Holy, Mighty, Infinate God. To briefly summarize - many weeks ago, MckMama and Prince Charming were told their unborn son would die. Not in the distant future, but then. Within a day or two, definately not long at all. Because his heart was not working correctly. It was enlarged. The rhythm was wrong. Too fast. Not responsive enough. Lots of issues. He had hydrops, which means that either because of or in addition to the heart problems, there was fluid around his organs. This little one was fondly nicknamed MckMuffin. For the sake of those praying, his name was shared. Stellan. A lot of people have been praying for baby Stellan. Stellan didn't die. Stellan lived. The hydrops diminished. Disappeared. The heart seemed to not be doing well. MckMama was put on lots of medication. This medication made MckMama sick. May or may not have made Stellan live. Not long ago, MckMama's doctors made the difficult decision to take her (and baby Stellan) off the medication, as it was a danger to her health. Doctors were not sure if Stellan could handle the removal of this medication. He did.

Today, Stellan made his grand entrance. And grand it is. He's having some pretty minor issues, that are being observed. But over all, he is an amazing, beautiful, breathing, miracle. And he is living. Living. Doctors said dying. Predicted death. And yet, he lives. Join me in praising God for this miracle. And thanking God for a beautiful, living, breathing miracle. Named Stellan.

Not Me Monday - 5th Edition

"So MckMama..." is a phrase frequently uttered in our home. Mostly by me. Or... maybe it's only uttered by me? Hmmm... regardless. MckMama is currently serving as the primary place of residence for one youngster affectionately known as MckMuffin. Or, in the real world, Stellan. Stellan is living proof that miracles do indeed happen. The fact that his heart is still beating today, is a miracle. The fact that his mom, dad, sister, and brothers have not had to say "good-bye" to him is a miracle. Stellan's mom, "MckMama," hosts a blog carnival. It is called "Not Me Monday." Not Me Monday is a great way to be real, honest, and open with strangers from all over the world. I invite you to read mine, and read MckMama's. On her blog, you'll find links to all sorts of Not Me Monday participants. I think you'll enjoy it. I know I sure have.

1. I did not miss the fact that yesterday was monday. And forget to do my not me monday post because of it. Nope.
   
2. I did not sleep from 7:30 PM last night until 12:30 PM today. Because I would never let myself push until I was that tired and drained. Never. That's not healthy, you know.
   
3. I am not struggling for items for this post. My life is totally entertaining and I certainly do not lack interesting tidbits to share with the world.

Not Me Monday - 4th Edition

"So MckMama..." is a phrase frequently uttered in our home. Mostly by me. Or... maybe it's only uttered by me? Hmmm... regardless. MckMama is currently serving as the primary place of residence for one youngster affectionately known as MckMuffin. Or, in the real world, Stellan. Stellan is living proof that miracles do indeed happen. The fact that his heart is still beating today, is a miracle. The fact that his mom, dad, sister, and brothers have not had to say "good-bye" to him is a miracle.

Stellan's mom, "MckMama," hosts a blog carnival. It is called "Not Me Monday." Not Me Monday is a great way to be real, honest, and open with strangers from all over the world. I invite you to read mine, and read MckMama's. On her blog, you'll find links to all sorts of Not Me Monday participants. I think you'll enjoy it. I know I sure have.

1) I did not make a mess while securing the windows in our new house. And if I did make a mess. I would not have inadvertently glued my hand to the glue gun. And if I did do that, I would not have decided it would be easier to finish gluing and then free my hand. And even if all of that did happen, I doubt it would have really taken over an hour for me to remove the large chunks of glue from my skin. Not me.
2) I do not get a secret thrill and rush out of driving in condtions (weather) that require me to go slow, be careful, and pray. And if I DID get said rush and thrill, I wouldn't ENJOY it. Nope. Not I.3) I did not put a tin snip on top of the ladder. With the safety catch NOT engaged. And then forget. And move the ladder. And have said tin snip fall on me. I also did not pretend nothing happened when my grandpa looked up. Nope. Not me.4) I have not been so spazzy about our house project that I find myself being cranky to my husband, to my father-in-law, to my grandpa, and anybody else who moves. I have more self control than that.5) I did not come home and notice a pile of "cat vomit / hair ball" in the office doorway. And it did not consist of, as far as I could see initially, blood, worms, and fur. And I didn't spend five minutes trying to figure out how any of our cats could possibly be that sick and that worm-infested and still seem so very healthy. And at the end of that five minutes, I didn't notice a foot and a tail on the "hair ball." I also didn't figure out that the "worms" were actually intestines. And if that DID happen, I seriously doubt I'd use a wad of paper towel to pick up said... thing. And show it to my husband. The reason this couldn't have happened is because my cat would NEVER catch a mouse and swallow it whole. All though if he DID do that... the above scenario would suddenly seem less far fetched. Especially if you consider his size.

Today. Two sides.

Today. Lots of good things will happen today.

We'll find a better mask for my husband to wear (not the dress up kind). One that will enable him to keep breathing at night. And at the same time, will prevent the infection on the bridge of his nose from getting any deeper or larger.

We will also (and this is the really good thing) go to church. At church, we will join with a bunch of other believers. We will worship our God. We will sing. We will pray. We will raise our hands. Maybe get on our knees. After that, we will hear the Word of God. We have a Pastor. A good Pastor. Who will set for the Word of God. He will do it in a manner that makes it clear and easy to understand. In a manner untainted by opinion or puplar culture. By the time we leave, we will have heard, understood, and been shown how to apply it to our lives. A blessing.

That is the first side of today.

The second side? The second side is where I am depending on God to carry me through. To give me the strength to continue to stand.

This morning when I woke, I felt... ill. Like puking. Dizzy. Achy. Painful stomach. The part of all that that is disturbing? This has been happening with increasing frequency. My faith is there. I believe I have been healed. He paid the price already. There is nothing more He needs to do. It's already been done. And here I am. I'm not saying "This is all my fault." But neither would I ever say "God is doing this" or "God is not healing me." The truth is... my faith could be stronger. I could be a "better" Christian. But. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if my faith was stronger than anybody else's on this planet, and if I were the PERFECT christian, I would not have this struggle. I have to say this: Life, is life. For everyone. None of us immune to struggle or temptation or trial. None of us able to completely circumvent all hardship. In light of this...

We will be scheduling surgery soon. They will once again remove endometriosis from my various and assorted internal organs. And after that? I will be trialing a new medication. One which will slow the growth of endometriosis. So that it does not come back right away. And then? I am depending on what God has done for me. I am depending on the healing that He has said is mine. In His Word. I have to cling to that. I have no alternative. And I know that what He says, He means. And what He says and means, is true. As to how this mixes with the fact that I, less than 24 hours ago, took medication to mask the symptoms of this disease.

Not Me Monday - 3rd Edition

I frequent MckMama's blog. MckMama has been the source of much laughter in my home. All I have to do to get my husband laughing is walk in the room and say "So, MckMama..." and he's gone. I don't think I'd even need to follow it up. He says the name is what does it. Regardless, I read her blog. You might enjoy doing so, too.
So, MckMama is hosting this thing called "Not Me Monday." In this thing, participants make a list of those things which they most certainly did NOT do this past week. Those things that nobody does, and even if they did... they'd never share.

1) I did not set my alarm and then forget to actually turn it on. And then sleep until noon. Nope. I don't like sleeping that much.

2) I did not just laugh hysterically as my kitten sat on my husband's face. And if that had happened, I certainly wouldn't have neglected to help him remove her. Nope. I also wouldn't threaten to put her back and take a picture. Nuh-uh. No way.

3) I would never forget about a half gallon of milk hidden in the fridge. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't miss the fact that the jug was slowly expanding. And even if all of that happened, I DEFINATELY wouldn't neglect to notice it until the jug ruptured. Nope. Not me. That is TOTALLY disgusting.

4) This week, I did not get myself into a t.v. show that is really just not that good. Because I do not have friends that would recommend shows that might be strangely addictive. And even if those things were true, I wouldn't take advantage of watching TV on-line for free.

5) I did not hit my hand and arm with a hammer no fewer than 15 times before it occured to me to hold the parts I was securing differently. Because that would mean I was ridiculously stubborn.

6) I would never spend thirty minutes driving with hands that were nearly black with... whatever it is that gets on hands when working with aluminum. I'd imagine, it's aluminum. :) And if I did that, I certainly wouldn't forget to scrub them clean before eating something...

This week hasn't held very many "did not" moments for me. Or if it has, I don't remember them. I guess that's what working crazy hard does to a person.