Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Me, In Black and White

A few days ago, I found myself with almost three hours in which to do... something. I had no plans, no place to be, no place to go. I took my camera and went off in search of some tranquility. Lately, things have been difficult, to say the least. As I snapped, I didn't really think about what I was doing. I forced myself to shoot in black and white only. I have found myself rather... shocked, really, at the emotion coming through in some of them.
This first one doesn't really do anything for me. It looked neat, and I thought that the resulting photograph would be something worth having. Not so sure about that, but I will share it anyway. If nothing else, it speaks to the uncertainty with which I do most things these days.
I am about to engage in a commitment that will last either six months or one year. It's not one I particularly relish making. I'm afraid - afraid of the process, afraid of the outcome. This next picture speaks of that, at least to me. I feel like my destination is that tree - shelter, protection, safety, sustenance. The ability to be strong in the midst of any storm. It's the solidarity that I crave and fear at the same time. And I feel like in order to get there, I have to walk the line so to speak. Almost as though I have to climb up on that fence and walk. As if I have to generate that balance and that confidence. And I am terrified. I can see the end. And I can see the beginning. And even though much of the middle is hidden, I know what it holds.
Now is the part where I show you the emotion. I'm not usually one to think along these lines. To be honest, I have gotten so used to simply not feeling things that when I find out I actually... felt... it is more than a little surprising. This next shot... it seems so lonely. So lost. So me. Don't get me wrong - I am on my way to heaven. That is the ONE thing absolutely no person and no thing can take way from me. And I rejoice for that. It's just that right now, the trip there seems so lonely. So isolating. So... difficult.
I'll leave you with this one. It is my favorite from the day. I can't even describe why, really. It's just that when I look at it, I feel like me. Like it is the best graphical representation of myself that I can currently find.

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010


It's amazing. I can remember posting apologies for having missed several days of posts. Or even several weeks. This.... this is new.

I haven't been home for more than a few days at a time since my birthday. To say "I've been through the wringer" would be one of the most massive understatements I could make.

I am still wrestling, really wrestling, with what I should share here and what should be kept private. Actually, truth be told, I'm really wrestling with just about everything.

I think for now, I will put forth this "public" explanation, and perhaps revisit some things later.

When I was young - quite young - some things happened that shouldn't have. Those same things continued to happen for a number of years.

I was afraid for my life, and I told nobody. Not a single, solitary soul.

As I grew up, I continued to pretend to be fine. Had nightmares at night, weird things happened during the day sometimes, but for the most part, people bought it.

About two years ago, I started showing some tiny indicators that something was wrong. It didn't take long for those indicators to grow into gigantic, unavoidable symptoms. The doctors have called it severe PTSD with major depression.

I call it a nightmare.

I'd like to apologize to all of you who come here for hope, or to read the posts I do about pieces of scripture. I'm working on coming back to that but for now... just for now... I may not be able to do much more than pop in every now and then and say I'm still around.

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