Saturday, May 26, 2007

Am I Still?

I look at the title of this blog, and think back to when I started it. Almost exactly four months back. At that time I could see so clearly that I was (and was continuing to be) living proof of God's goodness and grace. The past month or so, I've been struggling. Struggling more than I have even considered admitting to anyone. And worse than that, lately, I've not been struggling. Just complacent. And that's even worse.
Tonight I am pondering this - if someone is watching me for evidence of who God is, and what He can do - will they see any proof? Or have I been so negligent as to let my fire grow dim and my zeal grow cold? And I wonder, have I encountered those who are reaching out, and been so wrapped up in myself that I haven't seen or haven'g care? How many times?
I need to change. And I'm seeing that I'm going to need help to do that. It's scary to reach out and ask for this... I'm afraid of getting hurt even more. Or what if when I reach out, I just get told the things I already know - it's time to move on; she'd want me strong, she'd want me happy; think of the needs of others and get over myself; draw closer to God; spend more time in His word; Christ will never leave; I'll see her again. All true. And all things I already know and am trying my best to implement. I need more than knowing those. I need help. And I don't like admitting that, don't like asking, and most of all, don't like that I've let it get this bad before doing anything about it.

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mother's Day

48 hours from now, I'll be getting ready to turn in for the night. And then, when I wake up, it will be Mother's Day. An interesting day for me. I have a mother. She, like every other person on this planet, is imperfect. Flawed. Broken. But she is my mother. And she gave me life. Not only that - she's done so much to make my life better. She doesn't see it, and doesn't believe it. But I am glad she is my mother. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Few people can love with the intensity she does.
In spite of this... I will be spending a large portion of Mother's Day alone, at least physically. I will go to church... I need that. I know I do. As soon as that first service is over, I will walk into the parking lot and get into my car. If I am crying, I will gain composure. I will find a greenhouse, and buy a flower. Then I will drive to the little cemetary in the country. I'll park my vehicle. I'll walk down a gravel path, cross over dirt and grass. Sit beside an unmarked grave. The resting place of the greatest woman I've ever known. Well... not HER resting place. Her body's resting place. There, I will plant the flower. I've given her a plant every year of my life. And I can't give her anything now. But by doing this, I feel like maybe it's a way to remember, a way to honor her. I don't know how long I will stay. Maybe it will be for five minutes. Or maybe five hours. Maybe more. I really don't know.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007


Adios is an interesting word. It's used to say "good-bye" or "see you later." Break down the word... it means "to God." I'm so grateful that Gramma is with Him... it's sort of adios....

I'm looking at the last gift gramma gave me... and that's what's making me so glad that she's with Him. It's a picture and a note that I made for her on February 11th, 1990. It was my way of telling Gramma that I had asked Jesus into my heart. And given my life to Him.

He's stayed with me this whole time, and no matter how much life hurts, He'll get me through it.

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Monday, May 7, 2007

Turn Around

I've been struggling with certain areas of my life (spiritually, mostly). Doing everything I can do to make things right, make them better. And it's not been working. I resolve to do something, and it doesn't happen. Not because I refuse - because I say "YES, I AM going to do this..." and then I don't think of it. And that scares me a bit.

On Friday, I went to a meeting/church service. John Bevere (some of you have heard of him, I'm sure) was preaching. God's been listening and hearing me... because this meeting addressed several of the issues I've been fighting - actually, all but two - and gave me the tools I need to move forward. I'm starting the twelve week series today. And while I know that time will have pass to see that this is true, Friday was definately a turning point.

I won't write more here today, at least not until later tonight. I'm not sure what else I can (or should, or even want to) say.

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