Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Today. Two sides.

Today. Lots of good things will happen today.

We'll find a better mask for my husband to wear (not the dress up kind). One that will enable him to keep breathing at night. And at the same time, will prevent the infection on the bridge of his nose from getting any deeper or larger.

We will also (and this is the really good thing) go to church. At church, we will join with a bunch of other believers. We will worship our God. We will sing. We will pray. We will raise our hands. Maybe get on our knees. After that, we will hear the Word of God. We have a Pastor. A good Pastor. Who will set for the Word of God. He will do it in a manner that makes it clear and easy to understand. In a manner untainted by opinion or puplar culture. By the time we leave, we will have heard, understood, and been shown how to apply it to our lives. A blessing.

That is the first side of today.

The second side? The second side is where I am depending on God to carry me through. To give me the strength to continue to stand.

This morning when I woke, I felt... ill. Like puking. Dizzy. Achy. Painful stomach. The part of all that that is disturbing? This has been happening with increasing frequency. My faith is there. I believe I have been healed. He paid the price already. There is nothing more He needs to do. It's already been done. And here I am. I'm not saying "This is all my fault." But neither would I ever say "God is doing this" or "God is not healing me." The truth is... my faith could be stronger. I could be a "better" Christian. But. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if my faith was stronger than anybody else's on this planet, and if I were the PERFECT christian, I would not have this struggle. I have to say this: Life, is life. For everyone. None of us immune to struggle or temptation or trial. None of us able to completely circumvent all hardship. In light of this...

We will be scheduling surgery soon. They will once again remove endometriosis from my various and assorted internal organs. And after that? I will be trialing a new medication. One which will slow the growth of endometriosis. So that it does not come back right away. And then? I am depending on what God has done for me. I am depending on the healing that He has said is mine. In His Word. I have to cling to that. I have no alternative. And I know that what He says, He means. And what He says and means, is true. As to how this mixes with the fact that I, less than 24 hours ago, took medication to mask the symptoms of this disease.

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