Worth It?

I've been in turmoil. Lots of it. Regarding having children. Or doing foster care. Or adopting. I've been assurred by a LOT of people that in the future, when I look at those children, all of "this" will be so worth it.

They are so sure.

If the day comes when I am looking at my children - be they biological or not - I am sure that all of "this" will, in fact, be worth it. I am sure that in their eyes, I will see more than enough hope to balance the despair that is part of this journey. I am sure that in my heart will be more love than I can currently imagine. I am sure the joy in their laughter will override the sorrow we live with now.

But. What if the day doesn't come? What if we don't ever have children? What if, because of this flawed, imperfect world we live in, something happenes to or in my body that eliminates my ability to bear children? What if something happens to Derek that eliminates his ability to father them? What if we never have the financial resources for IVF or adoption? If that happens... will this all be worth it? Does the pain and uncertainty of not trying outweigh the pain of trying and failing? If not, then this is not worth it.

People are so certain that we'll succeed. They're totally convinced that we've misinterperated our situation, that things aren't bleak, that we'll have a "miracle" baby when we least expect it. But what if they're wrong? I'm not so convinced. I don't like admitting that. And maybe right now, my view is being tainted by the reappearance of much pain and surgery looming in the near future. But. If they are wrong, and we do not have kids... is it still worth it to try?