Ice

Ice.  That's all I can think of when I go outside.  There are many inches of ice built up around our porch and in our driveway.  The roads are now skating rinks.  It's dangerous.

But it's also beautiful.  Everything sparkles in the sun, and each tree branch is perfectly coated.

Also, that post I made about Asian Beetles biting me?  I was wrong.  Turns out, I'm just randomly sprouting hives.  They restrict themselves to the skin on my joints and scars.  They flare and I'll have 20-30 of them for half a day or so, and then they fade away and I'll have just a handful.  Then they flare again.  They are intensely itchy, and also cause a lot of tenderness in the tissue beneath them.  Not a clue what's going on, but there are no systemic symptoms so I'm not overly worried.

Under Attack

So at some point in the early hours of this morning, I was attacked.  By an Asian Beetle (like lady bugs, only slightly different).  I got bitten six times.  I woke up with six swollen red lumps, that were intensely itchy.  Throughout the day they've faded and gotten less itchy.  It took me until this evening to figure out what they were.  And what clued me in?  You got it - an Asian beetle landed on my other arm and bit it. 

In case you were wondering, this is what they look like.

You're welcome.  Now you can be creeped out with me.

Darling Annaliah

My precious child,

It is hard knowing that if you'd been born on your due date, you would be turning ten today.  We'd celebrate with your dad and I, and your Pops and Memaw and your Grampa and Yaya.  You'd be reminded yet again that you are loved and cherished.

But that is not to be.  Annaliah, I feel your loss so acutely this year.  It's as though the brightness from the sun has disappeared behind a fog of grief.  Precious one, we lost you and less than a year later, my beloved Gramma was killed.  It's not fair.  Life is not fair.

I don't need fair.  I have faith.  My God has chosen me, has spared me, loves me, provides for me.  Even when unfair things happen, He is there.

But I want fair.

Annaliah, as your mother, my greatest desire is for you to be safe and happy, and most of all to walk with God.  You are all those things now, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Happy birthday baby girl.  You are loved and you are missed.

Live In The Light

1 John 1:5-10

Here is the message we have heard from Christ and now announce to you: God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all.  So if we say we have fellowship with God, but we continue living in darkness, we are liars and do not follow the truth.  But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other.  Then the blood of Jesus, God's Son, cleanses us from  every sin.

If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  But if we confess our sins, he will forgive our sins, because we can trust God to do what is right.  He will cleanse us from all the wrongs we have done.  If we say we have not sinned, we make God a liar, and we do not accept God's teaching.

(c) Holy Bible, New Century Version, 2005


The word "light" here is used as a symbol of God's goodness or truth.  Darkness would be the opposite - i.e. Satan's evilness and lies.  Living in the light allows us to fellowship with God Himself.  To me, this is mind-blowing.  There is something I can do that puts me in fellowship with the One who created everything.  He is so far beyond anything I can comprehend, and yet He says he'll fellowship with me. 

I encourage you - live in the light.  He gives us grace to do so - you don't have to do it in your own strength.  Trust Him, pray to Him, live according to His word.  It's worth it.

May All Who Come Behind Us Find Us Faithful

When I was a kid, my grandma was in the church choir.  One year, one of the songs they did really stuck with me.  Especially the chorus.  The song is Find Us Faithful, by Steve Green.  The chorus has the following lyrics:

Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey

It is important to me, that when others look at me, they see Him.  I want to reflect His love and live His grace and walk His way.  I fail, often, but I get back up every time.  I have to.  He has done so much for me, and loves me so flawlessly, that I want to do nothing short of my very best.

Life More Abundantly

John 10:10 says, "I have come that they might have life, and life more abundantly."  I have to say, for almost five years, that verse seemed so far away from my reality.  We were struggling financially, struggling with our health, struggling to maintain a marriage when we barely had any time together.  In the middle of it, it all seemed insurmountable.  But now, looking back, I can see so many places where God was working... working on Derek, working on me, working on us.  We have not arrived yet, but we are beginning to see manifestation of God's plan for us.  It is an exciting, beautiful time.  I want to make note of that here, so that in the future, I can look back and say "Yes, I saw the beginnings of this way back then."

New Puppy

My parents have a new puppy.  His name is Hank, and I happen to think he's the cutest thing ever.  He's a mix of Australian Shepherd and Welsh Corgi.  He likes to chew on his pull rope and dig holes in the woods.

I want a puppy.  I have wanted a puppy for the last 16 years.  But I won't be getting one any time soon.  My life style isn't conducive to providing for a puppy.  Someday, I'll get one.  It will be my husband's first time.  I look forward to watching that relationship grow.

In other news, Day Light Savings Time has ended, and it's getting dark way too early now.  I admit, there are times I'm tempted to move south just to get more sunlight.  But we're firmly rooted here.  There's too much we don't want to leave.

Introducing Hank

My dad and his beautiful bride, Kelly, recently adopted a puppy.  His name is Hank.  I happen to think he's absolutely adorable.  He turned 10 weeks old on Friday the 4th.  I got to meet him yesterday for the first time.  Here are just a few pictures of the cuteness.

For the record, I've had puppy fever since I was 16 years old.  That's a LOT of years to really, really want something.  But so far, my life just hasn't been one that would be fair to a dog.  And until that changes, I'll simply have to make do with soaking up the puppy kisses from other peoples' dogs.

I'll be seeing hank again in about a week, so you can expect more photos soon. 

Not Ashamed

Psalm 34:1-5, Contemporary English Version:

I will always praise the Lord.  With all my heart, I will praise the Lord.  Let all who are helpless, listen and be glad.  Honor the Lord with me!  Celebrate His great name.  I asked the Lord for help, and he saved me from all my fears.  Keep your eyes on the Lord!  You will shine like the sun and never blush with shame.

 I have led a life that is far from perfect.  I have sinned, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes deliberately.  I've had experiences that filled me with intense shame.  But even the worst of it all fades away when my eyes are fixed on Him.  When my gaze is steadily on Him, His glory and holiness and the love He has for me over-rides my own perceptions and beliefs, and I see myself as He sees me.  I am redeemed, chosen, called.  I am his child.  And most of all, I am loved.

People can tell when I've got my eyes fixed on Him.  When my attention is on God, and His love for me, my face changes.  During those times, I get told repeatedly by others that I look so good, that they can tell I'm doing well.  When my gaze shifts, and I'm looking at the world or myself, people ask me what's wrong.  It's a spiritual principal with natural, tangible, visible evidence.

Where is your attention?  Where are your eyes fixed?  How can you tell?

I'm Alive

Ephesians 2:1-10, NIV

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts.  Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.  But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

This passage means so much to me.  I don't know about anyone else, but I know that I personally slip into legalism sometimes.  I'll do something I shouldn't do, or I'll neglect something I should do, and I'll start to feel un-saved.  It's just a feeling, but I know that if I don't counter it with scripture, it will take root in my heart, invade my thoughts, and if it continued unchecked, I would convince myself I was no longer saved at all.  My salvation causes obedience.  Obedience does not cause my salvation. 

What distortions do you battle in your own life, and what scripture do you use to contradict them?

It's Not About Me

I have a confession to make:  I have been chugging along, moving through life, and slowly, a lie has crept in.  That lie?  "I have sinned, therefor I am no longer blameless in God's eyes."  Yes, that lie really did try to find a place in me.  I wasn't aware of it; I just knew I had a vague discomfort and lack of trust.  It's only been through reading my Bible that that lie has become clear. 

Two verses really spoke to me, and are what made it clear to me that I've let an untruth start to take root.  1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 says,

God Himself - the God of peace - has sanctified me through and through.  My whole spirit, soul, and body will be kept blameless at the coming of my Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls me is faithful, and He will do it.

Did you catch that?  God Himself has sanctified me.  Not me.  It's not my works, it's His.  Don't let the devil sneak in and alienate you from God who loves you.  Don't be ashamed; be bold.  Know that HE will do it.

It's Been A Long Time

It's been well over a year since I last wrote here.  Life has a way of continuing even when all we want is for moments to linger.  So much has happened during these months away, and yet so little has changed.

One thing that has changed is my relationship with my in-laws.  Where it used to be choppy and disconnected, a certain ease and closeness is developing.  I am thankful for that, as they are truly beautiful people.

The PTSD symptoms have faded until recently.  I'm in the middle of some intense stuff.  It's exhausting to struggle this way, but I know that life is worth fighting for.  I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a loving church, and a competent therapist to help me through.  Most of all, my God has promised to never leave or forsake me.  And with Him on my side, I can't possibly fail.

I am hoping to get back to regularly updating here, but we will just have to see how it plays out over time.

With Hope

Grief.  That thing we feel when someone dear to us, steps into eternity.  That empty, hollow, overflowing feeling.  The way the world looks gray and dull when picturing it without our loved one there.  Most of us know the ache of waking that first morning, knowing it's your first full day without him or her.  Most of us know what it is to stand there in the cemetery, waiting for them to lower someone precious into the ground for a final time. 

But not all of us know hope.  Not all of us believe in heaven and eternal life.  That is the part I don't understand.  How does a person who has no hope, grieve and then move on?  Where do they draw their strength from?  How do they reconcile the death with the eternal nature of our spirits - something we know deep inside regardless of creed?

I believe in eternity.  I believe in Heaven.  I believe that my daughter and my other children are all there waiting for me.  I believe my Gramma is there, and that as we always talked about when I was growing up, she will meet me at the Eastern Gate.  I believe my great-grandpa Max is there.  My great-uncle Elmer.  My brother.

And it fills me with hope and anticipation.  The day is coming when I'll be reunited with them all, and I will never have to say goodbye again.

So I grieve, but with hope.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I have often pondered eternity.  In a way, I get it.  It's, like, forever.  It never ends.  It just goes on and on and on... but at the same time, I don't really get it.  How can something simply never cease?  But it's there, in my heart - I "know with my knower" that it's real.

And for today, that is what I am thinking about.  Where will you be spending your eternity?

It's Been Awhile

So, I have been very delinquent in the upkeep of this blog.

Why?

To be honest, I haven't felt like I have anything compelling to share.  But I do miss the writing, so I may just get back into the swing of things - time will tell.

Lately, I've had a barrage of medical problems.  First, a long battle with recurrent infection in my leg, followed by a brief break and then a battle with unexplained weight loss, followed by a bite from a deer tick (which I was unaware of, but I'll get to that in a moment), followed by a bite from a brown recluse spider which turned necrotic and now, two months in, is still healing, followed by waking up one morning with Bell's Palsy, followed by a positive Lyme test (hence knowing I got bit by a deer tick, and the high titer indicates it's been a while).  So now I am on steroids for the Bell's and antibiotics for the Lyme.  I have a 3 inch defect in my leg which is healing daily, but it's still taking it's time.  My right side of my face doesn't work right now - not my mouth, not my eye, not my forehead or my cheek.  I've got my eye taped shut as that's the only way to stop the constant burning and watering.

But in all this?  Yes, in all this, my God is faithful.  He hasn't left me or forsaken me.  He has done much good.  He protected my kidneys in the middle of a systemic reaction to the brown recluse bite.  He is healing the result of that bite quickly.  He kept me from fear when I woke up with half my face not functioning.  He allowed the steroids to work quickly to reduce the pain in the nerves of my face.  He had the doctor test for Lyme disease, of which I've had no other symptoms.  And He will continue to prove Himself faithful - it's how He is.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

 

Psalm 71:22

I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, Holy One of Israel

 

Psalm 89:8

Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you

 

1 Corinthians 1:9

God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

Hebrews 3:6

But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.

I'll be real honest with all of you.  In the last 45 days. 30 of them have involved prescription treatment for migraine headache.  when I get a migraine, it starts behind my right eye, wraps around my forehead and back into my temple.  it pulses and throbs and burns like you wouldn't believe, making me vomit from the pain alone.  then the light and sound sensitivity  and motion sickness kick in and the visual disturbances.  If I blessed, a dose of imitrex followed by a quiet, motionless nap    for about eight hours reduces the attack.  If not.... then I get to wait overnight before I can try again.

I have never experienced this type of intractable migraine.  I am applying for medical leave from work while my doctors and I sort things out.

please pray,

The Reason

In those days Caesar Agustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.  (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)   And everyone went to t heir own town to register.   So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.   He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.   While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

 

 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”  So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.   When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.

Annaliah

My dearest Annaliah,

How I wish you were here.  On this day six years ago, you were expected to arrive.  We thought that this day (or one close to it) would go down as the day our lives were permanently altered for the better.  We thought we'd have a child - you - and that we'd have someone we were responsible for for the rest of our lives.  We had visions of holding you and dreams of sticky fingered hugs and slobbery kisses and heart warming giggles.  We had faith and hope and expectation.

Today, we don't have you.  We don't have any children living with us on earth.  We don't know what it is to get up at night with a crying baby or to struggle with a car seat or to have to put a child's needs above our own.  We don't know sticky fingers or slobbery kisses or giggles or smiles or cries of delight.  Your voice doesn't fill our home and your body doesn't fill our arms.

We are without you.

And it hurts.  It hurts to be without you.  It hurts to be "just us."  It hurts to not know parenthood.  I remember when you were on the way.  One day in particular stands out.  Your daddy and I were driving around, thinking about looking for a different apartment - one that would be better suited to life with a child.  We had a CD playing, from your Grandma Arlene.  The sound of children singing filled the car, and I smiled as I looked at your daddy.  We were both truly happy.

I miss that feeling.  The feeling of unquenchable joy mixed with anticipation and a hint of fear.  I miss knowing that regardless of what went wrong or right, in just a few short months we would have a child of our own.  I miss the way it felt like everything was going to be just fine.  Because since you've left, we've known a lot of heartache.  We've cried a lot and spent a lot of sleepless nights.  We've held hands as doctors deliver yet another negative report and we've scraped and scrambled to make ends meet so we could have just one more chance at parenthood.  We've weathered a lot of storms, sweet child, without you.

But this is temporary.  We will not spend eternity without you - we will spend it with you.  The day is coming when we will get where we are going.  And on that day, we will see you face to face.  We hold onto that hope and that dream, and it gives us light when everything around us looks dark and grim. 

You make heaven feel real.  You keep eternity on our minds and in our hearts.  Child of mine, even though I am without you, I am grateful for you.  You have changed me, and your daddy too.  We aren't the same and we never will be.  Even without you, we are with you. 

We love you.

Mommy

The Better Men

It isn't easy, life.  We struggle and fight for so much, and sometimes it seems worthwhile.  Sometimes it doesn't. 

I'm here to say, fight on. 

This life we lead, the freedom we enjoy, it wasn't cheap.  It didn't come easy... it didn't even come hard.  It came at the highest cost possible - human lives.  Sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives and lovers and friends.   Heroes, all.

I stand free because of them, and for that, I am truly thankful. 

Are you?

In My Dreams

During the day, I miss her.  My Gramma, that is.  I miss her every day.  I miss her when something is beautiful, I miss her when things get ugly.  I miss her when I smile and when I cry, and when I do well and when I fail.  When I feel like I am soaring high and when the weight of the world is crushing me, I miss her.

Growing up, she was part of every day.  Most of what I did, she was there and she was in the middle of.  I never really learned to let go of that.  The last time Derek and I drove away from their home, I said to remember and treasure that image, as it wouldn't last.  I had the idea that something was about to change, but I didn't really know at all.

I never would have guessed she was to be taken so abruptly from this world.  To think that a driver's carelessness would be the thing responsible for such a staggering loss... I just wouldn't have done it.  That's what happens to other people, not to me.  Not to her.  But despite being willing to give up everything to go back and change it somehow, with chilling finality, she was killed that day.

She's not dead though - not spiritually.  I know she lives and is rejoicing and dancing in heaven.  But until I join her there, she's gone from my world.  She can't tell me who to love or what to do or how to be, no matter how desperately I wish for her wisdom. 

But at night when I dream, I don't know that.  When I dream, she is alive and present.  Usually, in the dreams, I know she is dead and I know she can't be there... and yet, there she is.  She laughs and smiles and speaks, and we all act like it's perfectly natural for her to be doing those things.  I wish dream-hugs lasted after waking.  I wish I could retain that sense of wholeness and safety after sleep stops for the day.  Some mornings, I let myself sleep through my alarm just so I can have a little longer with her.

But in my dreams is just that... in my dreams.

The reality of it all is, the pain is real.  The alone is real.  The sadness and the lingering sense of shock and disbelief and the empty feelings... they are all real.  Even more real, though, is the fact that this isn't going to last forever.  I'll see her again, and it will be a forever reunion.  It's going to be the end of the pain, the end of the nightmares, the end of the loneliness.  THAT is the reality I try my hardest to focus on.

And in my dreams... in my dreams, I let myself have a reminder that this situation isn't exactly as it appears.