When I Get Where I'm Going

Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton.  It's not that I actively dislike them, it's just... well, you won't normally find anything from either one of them on any of my play lists.

But there is one song... one song that I just plain like.  I know it's not 100% scripturally correct.  But.  It IS accurate in its message and outlook.  Focus on what is yet to come, what we cannot see, what we have not felt or heard or breathed.  Focus on when we get where we are going.

I am going to heaven.  Maybe this very same hour, maybe 80 years from now, or maybe anywhere in between.  I do not know.  All I know, is I am going there, and when I do... when I do, I will see my Jesus face to face.  I will worship without end.  I will love without fear.  I will be made perfect.  I will meet my daughter Annaliah, and all of her siblings.  I will see my Gramma's shining face, and I will walk beside my Great Grampa Max, and I will see my Grampa Jean.  I will meet David, and Peter, and I will meet Paul.  I will meet so many I've never heard of.  And we will all be there forever.  And we will all be there because God loves us. 

So for now, when things get rough and I have a hard time just living day to day, I have been listening to this song and letting it get my mind back where it needs to be.

When I Get Where I'm Going.

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a Lion
And run my fingers through His mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm goin'
They'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I've missed him
Every minute since he left
And then I'll hug his neck

Yeah when I get where I'm goin'
They'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my Maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of His amazing grace

Yeah when I get where I'm goin'
Oh when I get where' I'm goin'
They'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

A Few More Days - Matthew West

Heal the Wound...

Every once in a while, I write a post wherein I expose to you the things that I usually keep carefully covered up.  The things that are uncomfortable, unpopular... without beauty and without grace.  This is going to be one of those.  If you want to continue to look at me the same way you always have - stop reading here.  I'll resume "regular" posting soon.

If you are okay with maybe changing what you think of me, of my life... if you're okay with reality being different than you might think, keep going.

If you were sitting here in the room with me, you wouldn't see my legs.  They'd be covered.  My right hand would probably be covering my left arm.  I'd talk to you, look you in the eyes.  You'd see me smile, see my brows pull together with concern.  I'd listen to your every word, tell you I cared.  And I would care.  I'd do whatever I could to show you His love.  But you wouldn't see my legs.

Unless you were truly broken.

If your hope was gone, if your heart was shattered, if tears were streaming down your face.  I'd take your hand, look into your eyes.  I wouldn't look away.  I might shake, and my voice would get quiet.  I'd pull up the leg of my pants.

You'd look down, wondering what I was doing.  The ugly, red hole in my leg... the lines across my skin... the evidence of old wounds would be there for you to see.  Your face would register surprise.  Maybe repulsion, maybe curiosity.  You'd stare, for a few seconds, maybe minutes.  Silence, until your eyes shifted back to my face.

And then, I would tell you why the song that is playing right now means anything at all to me. 

I would tell you that my hope has been gone.  My heart shattered.  I've cried until I had no more tears.  I've stared silently at the darkness, afraid of the light.  I would take a deep breath.  I would tell you that time and again, the pain and the blood have flowed out of me.  That my own hands have been instruments of destruction.

I would look down, and you would too.  Together, we'd look at the scars.

And I would tell you why I have stopped wishing for God to take them away.  Each one is a silent witness, proclaiming this truth: He is enough.  He is there.  He is faithful.

I do not show them off.  I do not want the world to see them if I don't have a chance to explain.  I am ashamed of what I've done.  But I am not ashamed of Him.  I am not ashamed to say that out of the ashes left by burnt out hope, He is creating a masterpiece.  I cannot see it - it is not finished, and I am on the inside looking out. 

I am breathing.  My heart is beating.  My hands are warm, there is fire in my eyes, my back is strong.  And it is not because of anything I am or have or can do.  It is Him.

He has preserved me.  He will present me blameless.  He lifts my head, He washes the shame from my face.  In Him, there is freedom.  Life.  Liberty.  There is no condemnation.  No fear.

He is your hope.  He is the only thing that can hold the pieces of your heart together.  He is the One who never leaves, never fails, never ends.  His shoulders are broad - they can carry the weight of the world.  And He loves you.  He has redeemed you.  He knew you before you were born, and He knows every minute tomorrow holds. 

The hurt, the loss, the destruction I have known, are not visible.  You can't see them.  If you were here in this room, there wouldn't be any way for you to know about them.  Except for the scars.

They speak.

They might make you cry.  They might make you cringe.  They might make you wonder if I've ever known the pain that you're feeling now. 

They will show you dependence. 

If you were here, I would squeeze your hands, ask you to look at me.

I would tell you that you will fall, again and again.  That your heart might be broken anew.  That you will feel more pain.  And I would tell you that He will pick you up.  That He will hold you, and wash you, and purify you.  I would remind you that in Him, there is healing and fullness of joy. 

And after you left, I would be thankful for the scars.  Not for the pain.  Not for the wounds.  Not for the sorrow.  But for the healing.  For the truth.  For Him.  For you.

If you were here.

Rescue Me

I'm going to take a moment and be transparent. If you read here often, you'll know that this transparency thing is something I've been working on this past year. Obviously, there are things that should most decidedly not be published for the world to see. Beyond those, there are things that should be even more closely guarded. But there are also times when letting others see our weakness can be of benefit to them. Times when admitting that we don't "have it all together" can do so much to encourage others.

Truth is, I have been struggling for over a year now. With the same things. I really, truthfully cannot share those things here - it wouldn't be prudent, and it wouldn't help anybody to know. But I can share little pieces of the struggle.

I can share that calling it a struggle is sort of like calling a tsunami a wave. Technically true, but an understatement of gargantuan proportions. I think calling it an all out war would be more accurate.

It's been exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically. And as often happens, that exhaustion has spilled over into my spiritual life. I can't even begin to describe how much I am depending on God's grace right now. Grace, and mercy. And love. Love that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what I do, but everything to do with Who He is, and what He has done.

I have good news, though. Recent weeks have seen a turn around during my devotional time. And a turn around in other areas. In some ways, it is as though everything has exploded and there is no way I can keep going. In other ways, it is as though I have never been so utterly dependent on Him, and so thoroughly awestruck by His unfailing, unwavering, unchanging love. There's more battles to be fought. I don't know how many, or for how long. I don't know what victory will entail. But I do know that He is faithful.

And days like this, days when I am desperate for Him, when I am at the end of myself, I can relate to Peter. I feel like I've stepped out of the boat in the midst of the storm. I've just walked across water, and it is an amazing, incredible feeling. And now, having taken my eyes off of Him for just a moment to consider the storm raging around me, I am sinking. I am realizing that I just cannot do this on my own. There is no way. And like Peter, I don't have the time or the energy to come up with an eloquent prayer that will be passed down for generations to come. Tonight, Peter's prayer is my prayer.

"Lord, rescue me."

Selah is one of my favorite groups. Not because of their impressive stage presence or deeply profound lyrics. It's their genuine faith and desire to honor and glorify God that attracts me. But I would be lying if I didn't say that one particular song of theirs struck something inside of me tonight. I've added the lyrics to the end of this post, and put the song itself at the top of my playlist for now. You can open my playlist and listen to music while you browse by clicking on the "Music" link in the column on the right.

Rescue Me
(C) Selah

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die
With You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the heavens
Here is my hand
Is my heart and my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me, my God and my King
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me

There Will Be A Day

I try to update my playlist at least once very month or two - adding at least one song, reshuffling, doing something to make it different. I've been looking for a new, different song to add to the top lately. And this is the one that I identified with this afternoon, as I was searching. It's called "There Will Be a Day" and Jeremy Camp sings it.

I try to hold on to this world

with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings,

and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end,

His word declares this truth,

that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope

and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day

with no more tears,

no more pain,

and no more fears

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place,

will be no more,

we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day,

we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you’re walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings

And the beauty that’s in store

Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

But I hold on to this hope
and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day

with no more tears,
no more pain,
and no more fears

There will be a day
when the burdens of this place,
will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day,
we'll hold on to you always

I can’t wait until that day

where the very one I’ve lived for always

will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced

To touch the scars that rescued me

from a life of shame and misery

this is why this is why I sing

There will be a day

with no more tears,

no more pain,

and no more fears

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place,

will be no more,

we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day

with no more tears,

no more pain,

and no more fears

There will be a day

when the burdens of this place,
will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face

He will wipe away the tears,

He will wipe way the pain

He will wipe away the fear

There will be a day

I Have A Reason

Desert Song

~(c) Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

You may have noticed there is a new song playing. It's called "Desert Song." Not so much just now, today, but in the not very distant past, the words of this song really struck something inside of me. Knowing the story behind the song - the immense pain, the heartache and grief that the singer was experiencing at the time the song was first released... makes it mean a little bit more to me.

But really, the part that struck me, that resonated with something deep inside?

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

I do have a reason to sing. I do have a reason to worship. All of the time. Whether my life is going fabulously, or falling apart. There have been several times that I have been truly broken. Not upset. Not at the end of myself. Not desperate. Or at least, not just those things. But broken. Truly, honestly broken.

It's not good to spend all of one's time looking back, contemplating the past. But there are some things that are good to remember. I have been in the place of utter darkness. The place where I wasn't fighting for peace, joy, or hope. I was torn between life and death, two forces waging war within me. In Deuteronomy, the Lord says "I have set before you this day life and death. Choose life." I have done that. I chose life, and when I did, He was there. Welcoming. Loving. Healing.

I have fallen on my knees with tears streaming down my face as I said, "Lord, not my will, but yours be done." I have surrendered the earthly confidence I had, given up that which I had so carefully kept from my King. And it was painful. But He was there. Approving. Comforting.

In the bathroom of a convenience store, I have leaned over a sink as everything around me seemed to be closing in. I have whispered, "Lord, it hurts. How can she be gone? My baby... Lord, my baby. Help me." And He was there. He knows pain. Knows anguish. And He comforts. He does not leave. He is not afraid.

In all of that (and so much more that I just can't share here) He is with me. But the reason I sing? The reason I worship? Because my God, He is God. A faithful God. Who keeps His covenant. And He has promised me that if I believe, if I confess Him as Lord, and if I surrender my life to His Lordship... I will be saved. I do not have to fear death. And I don't have to fear life. I can embrace it, knowig I am redeemed. A blessed, beloved child of the Most High God. And that is why I sing. That is why I worship.