Thursday, September 25, 2008

Revealing Post.

So. I usually don't say a whole lot about myself here. Or my life. Today's going to be a little different. And I may actually come back and un-post this. But for now, here it is.

Today, my mind is all muddled and jumbled. A combination of pain, fatigue, sadness, frustration, medication, and some other emotions from a private battle are responsible. I'd like to say "I'm clinging to _______ from the Bible today and it's really keeping me from sinking." But to be totally honest, I'm not clinging. Clinging implies that I've got both arms and both legs wrapped around and I won't let go no matter what. The truth? I'm grasping weakly. I don't like to admit that. I'd prefer the world see a "super woman" strength and unshakable faith. Unwavering. Totally stable. But. That isn't me.

Where am I? And how am I really?

I am in a chair. Shifting from side to side to alleviate pain. It doesn't work. But, I can't not do it. I am looking at my cat. He's so peaceful. He's so cute. I am listening to uplifting music. And I am sad. It's not a serious sad. And it's not a dangerous sad. It's just... sad. And it's for a bunch of reasons. But the one that pushes me over the edge, and makes those other reasons capable of instilling said sadness? It's fall. This has happened every year. Every year, I say this is the last time. And this year? This is the last time. It has to be. Right?

I guess it just seems like right now, some really big things are all heaped up and I don't know how to sort them out of the pile to set them straight.

But one thing I can do? I can let people see me. I can let them see that I am just as flawed as they are. Maybe even more so. And I can show the world that in spite of my weakness, my God does still love me. I don't understand that. But He does.

My God is the EVERLASTING GOD. He is the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow weary or tired. His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary. And I am indeed weary.
He increases the power of the weak. And I am weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. I hope in Him. Without Him, I have NO hope. With Him, I do. I'm waiting. My strength will be renewed.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

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