Healing...

I spent the majority of today searching. Ostensibly, I was searching for whooping cranes. And, I guess I sort of was. But why? Because there is something about their majesty, and their call (the sound that I believe to be one of the most wild a person can hear), and their rarity... makes me feel a little closer to God somehow. I would guess it's because those things are something they share with our God... He's the most majestic. He's the wildest. He's so rare - there's no other, ANYWHERE.

But I wasn't just searching for them... I was searching for a connection. A connection with God. A connection where comfort flowed in. Because now, more than in the past three months in many regards, I need comfort. Comfort and reassurance... God, and God alone, knows why exactly this is. Today, while standing at the top of a 30 foot observation tower, I had the privilege of watching two weather fronts collide and brew up a storm. Thunder rumbling constantly, lighting flashing from cloud to cloud, bands of rain racing across the marshland. It played out in front of me like a theater, a production put on just for me, by a God who took a moment to say He's there and He does care.

In spite of all this, I feel somehow empty and alone tonight. My husband is here with me. And I love him so much. I'm concerned I've let him think I don't want or need him... or that I've made him think he doesn't have anything to offer... or that I've taken our marriage for granted. It's weird... I want to curl up on the couch and just talk and snuggle. But I don't know what I'd say. And I'm scared that if I reveal what's really inside, and my husband does what he so often has lately (listens with compassion, and then in a desperate attempt to avoid the pain in himself and to avoid causing me more pain, starts joking around about things unrelated), I'll get so angry with him. Besides, I'm not even sure what is inside.

I leave with this... very early Sunday morning, I dreamt about Gramma. In the dream, we were alone together. I was talking to her, and she was talking to me. I remember almost every question I asked, but none of the answers. I was asking about death... did she know before she died that she was dying? Was she scared? Was she excited to see Jesus? Did that excitement over ride the grief of leaving us? Did it hurt? Did she see herself? Did she know how she was going to die?

Today, as I drove the 75 miles to the wildlife refuge, I thought repeatedly that she would have loved to go on that trip with me. By the time I got there, most of the excitement of the day had worn off for missing her. And I would have loved to have her there. To talk, to laugh... hug... share the beauty of God's world with each other. And I wish I could ask her the questions that burn in the back of my mind.

Only Dreaming...

I dreamt about her last night. First time in quite a while. In the dream, she was watching us, and talking to us - and laughed and smiled, but I don't remember what she said or what she sounded like. My whole family could see her and talk to her. At the end of the dream, I said to her, "Gramma... I wish you were still alive. I don't want to take this trip all alone." That made her look so sad. And then I woke up.
I'm glad God designed us to be dreamers. Because while I have no illusions about this particular dream being from Him (it definately wasn't), I'm grateful to have seen her. Even though it wasn't her... I don't know if that makes sense at all. Anyway, now I'm off.

Lessons...

On Sunday, we learned about help at church. What about it? We learned that if you need it, you need to ask for it. Ask, and then ask, and ask, and ask until you get it. Perhaps my God had me in mind when He had my Pastor teach on this...

The thing is, I don't know if I actually do need help. In many ways, I really am okay. I'm not depressed, I'm not having any issues with suicide or anything else like that. And while yes, I do wish that I had someone to talk to, someone who would just listen... someone who is a woman, a woman older than me, someone who is Godly and of an upright character... someone trust-worthy, Spirit-filled, gentle (but firm when needed)... someone like the ladies I listed previously... I don't know what I'd say. What does a person say in a situation like that?? "Um... I'm sad." ??? I am sad. But I don't think that's bad. I don't think that it's bad to miss her. The part that I think isn't quite as it should be is how much I cry. And how, no matter what the day holds, I think of her no less than every 15 minutes or so.
I act like I'm doing okay, maybe even like I'm doing great. I say I'm doing well. I try to tell myself that too. And I don't actually know if I am okay... although that really makes no sense, does it?

Nothing...

Nothing much to say tonight. I did want to say thank you to whoever it is that read yesterday's post and left a comment earlier. It's strange - it does help to receive encouragement like that. And it's all something that I DO know in my head - and in my heart. It's just that so much of me is saying NO to the idea that I'm not at fault here. I've been praying a lot the past week or so - asking God for help. Asking Him to help me either get over this absolute conviction that I killed this wonderful and amazing woman, or else help me to be okay with that. Although how anybody could be okay with that, I just don't know.
My heart aches right now, but in the end, I KNOW that eternity awaits me. And I am so excited for that. I wish I didn't have to wait...

Charades

I feel like I'm living one endless charade. One where what I'm portraying is someone who's doing very well, and has it together, is happy, is okay. Yes, in some ways, I AM doing very well, and I DO hold it together... And there are moments of happiness... and I'm sort of okay. But really, I miss her so much. And I feel like I should be okay now - or at least be better than I am. Be happy. I feel like I shouldn't be crying when nobody is looking. I feel like I shouldn't spend so very much time thinking about her. And yet... none of it is so. I ache inside. It's like everything good is tempered with sorrow. Yesterday, we had an Easter celebration at my uncle's house. It was good to see everyone, but I felt like it was an empty imitation of what it used to be like. And that's not right - not even close. The true meaning, which is Jesus, is still the same.

Questions

I have questions. My doctor will answer some... like should I be worried about the dizziness? Is there something I can do to lessen or eliminate it? What about the balance and clumsiness issue? The nausea? Maybe I've just got a bug, I don't know.
The questions that really matter... they can't be answered by my doctor. I want to know about heaven. I want to know what the people there see and/or know about those of us here. I want to know if it's okay to talk to God and ask Him to let them know things - and also, if it IS okay to ask, what about Him doing it... will He? Does He? How's it work?
If my focus is on God... and I believe it is... how come I miss her so much? How come I can't bring myself to talk to anybody about it? There's so few people I'd even consider... My Pastor, but I don't know about that - seems like it's not something I should take his time up with... or Pastor Quam, maybe... Edie, for sure... Shawn... maybe Lynn, but just a little. Jeanne, perhaps, a little - she has a light-hearted exterior, but she loves God and she loves people... I just don't know. There's plenty of people who would be willing beyond the ones I mentioned, but I just can't see doing it. And I don't know what I'd say anyway... In some ways, I want to move on and not miss her so much, not cry so much. In so many other ways, I'm not ready to do that. And even if I was - there's so many reminders, I don't think it would happen anyway.
Found a good song today - I like the words a lot. And it's good to listen to. Here's the words:

Bring The Rain
~MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Plans...

I don't know if I'll follow through on this, because it is a little selfish. And it is also a bit sad, a little pathetic... but it's really what I want. On Mother's day - I want Derek to take his mom out for lunch. And while he's doing that, I want to go to Gramma's grave. By myself. With a little potted plant and a little digging thing, and plant a flower. I don't know if it would live or not... but that's what I want to do. Mother's Day, for me, is the day that I buy a little potted flower and give it to Gramma. And talk to her. And tell her how much she means to me. That I love her. That I couldn't have gotten through my childhood without her. That I owe her more than I could ever repay. That try as I may to be "unique" I'm really just like her. Even the annoying parts - which, though they may be annoying, aren't bad. I can't think of anything bad about her. I know she wasn't a perfect person - had her share of flaws. But really, she's the best woman I've ever known. She's shaped me into who I am - did the best she coulud to make sure I turned out okay. And really, that's what mothers are supposed to be. I've got a mom. I've got a relationship with her that I cherish - a relationship I wasn't sure I'd ever have. Gramma didn't replace her... but, to quote something she wrote in her book to me..."My mother couldn't take care of me & for some unknown reason, neither could yours. I know I can not take her place, but I also know that I loved my grandma as a mother and God made it enough."
That's the best way I know to put it - I loved Gramma fiercely, and in many ways, loved her as a mother (not in PLACE of a mother - just AS a mother). And God made that enough. He made that MORE than enough.
And I just want to spend at least a while on Mother's day with her. I know it's not with her, not really. But if I am there, at her grave, by myself... in the country, where it's quiet and I can really hear myself think, maybe I'll hear something better and more important - God speaking to my heart. Comforting. Encouraging. And maybe He'll help me through, help me know what to do. And maybe, while I'm there in honor of her and in hopes of having God help me... maybe God will let her know that? Maybe she'll see... or maybe He'll tell her... I'm not sure how all that works, but I know there's nothing wrong with asking God to tell her that I love her. And there's definately nothing wrong with asking Him for help and comfort.