Plans...

I don't know if I'll follow through on this, because it is a little selfish. And it is also a bit sad, a little pathetic... but it's really what I want. On Mother's day - I want Derek to take his mom out for lunch. And while he's doing that, I want to go to Gramma's grave. By myself. With a little potted plant and a little digging thing, and plant a flower. I don't know if it would live or not... but that's what I want to do. Mother's Day, for me, is the day that I buy a little potted flower and give it to Gramma. And talk to her. And tell her how much she means to me. That I love her. That I couldn't have gotten through my childhood without her. That I owe her more than I could ever repay. That try as I may to be "unique" I'm really just like her. Even the annoying parts - which, though they may be annoying, aren't bad. I can't think of anything bad about her. I know she wasn't a perfect person - had her share of flaws. But really, she's the best woman I've ever known. She's shaped me into who I am - did the best she coulud to make sure I turned out okay. And really, that's what mothers are supposed to be. I've got a mom. I've got a relationship with her that I cherish - a relationship I wasn't sure I'd ever have. Gramma didn't replace her... but, to quote something she wrote in her book to me..."My mother couldn't take care of me & for some unknown reason, neither could yours. I know I can not take her place, but I also know that I loved my grandma as a mother and God made it enough."
That's the best way I know to put it - I loved Gramma fiercely, and in many ways, loved her as a mother (not in PLACE of a mother - just AS a mother). And God made that enough. He made that MORE than enough.
And I just want to spend at least a while on Mother's day with her. I know it's not with her, not really. But if I am there, at her grave, by myself... in the country, where it's quiet and I can really hear myself think, maybe I'll hear something better and more important - God speaking to my heart. Comforting. Encouraging. And maybe He'll help me through, help me know what to do. And maybe, while I'm there in honor of her and in hopes of having God help me... maybe God will let her know that? Maybe she'll see... or maybe He'll tell her... I'm not sure how all that works, but I know there's nothing wrong with asking God to tell her that I love her. And there's definately nothing wrong with asking Him for help and comfort.