Lisa Snot

As kids, we learn language by listening.  We repeat what we hear - exactly as we hear it.  Trouble is, sometimes our brains will twist around what really goes in, to match what we have previously heard.  The results, I think, can be hilarious.

For example, when I was in second grade, we were asked to write about a person we would like to meet some day.  Any person in the world.  I chose José Canoosey.  You know, the guy at the beginning of the national anthem?  I wanted to find out why it mattered what he did in the morning, by the dawn's early light.

A friend of mine for years believed that things were "nuke-warm."  His logic?  When we nuke stuff, we don't always do it long enough so it comes out just kinda not warm and not cold.  We were in high school before I finally convinced him that most of the world referred to that state of being as LUKE warm.  Which made him ask, "Who's Luke?"  Good question, friend.  Good question.

Another friend recently shared that growing up in church, she found herself wondering every service who Lisa Snot was, and why Lisa Snot went into temptation. 

A child in my class has been memorizing definitions of the various forms he does.  One such definition refers back to the Silla Dynasty (Korea).  But in his head, he has always heard and therefore believed we were referring to the SillY Dynasty.  And he wanted to know who or what made that dynasty so silly, and why we were disrespectful of it by calling it that.

So.  Tell me about the things you or your friends or children you know have heard and said, only to later find out you were just a little off the mark.

Not Me Monday

Long ago, in a frozen and windy land, a person named MckMama decided to throw a large blog party.  The purpose of the party was to help those who participated have a chance to be honest, telling about those things that they might otherwise try to hide.  In sharing, there was a decrease in guilty feelings and an instant and significant increase in laughter.

So, in honor of this weeks Not Me Monday, here I go.

In the last week, the following things most certainly did not* happen.

I did not spend the entire day Tuesday with the best friend a person could ever ask for, and that best friend's mother.  The purpose of the trip was not to drive a couple hours to see a specialist regarding a not good at all diagnosis, and to receive less-than-good news about her progress (or lack there of).  But if I did do that, I would want you to pray with everything you've got for my friend, Elizabeth.  Specifically, I would want you to pray that medication would begin to be effective, and that the damage to her vision would somehow be reversed.

On that same imaginary trip, I starved.  I did not accompany them to an extraordinarily delicious Mongolian grill, wherein people are allowed to compile their own choice of ingredients, and then surrender them to the "Grill Warriors" who proceed to make steaming hot plates of whatever you want and present them to you straight off the grill.  I did not fail to believe my friend when she said it was really easy to load so much onto a plate that you could only eat one or two at most.  And I did not end up leaving half of my second plate, on the plate.  I haven't been trying to find an excuse to go back ever since, either.

Since I'm on a roll with this imaginary trip I took... after dinner, my friend and I and her mother did not find ourselves at a well known department store, trying out the display beds.  By laying on them.  We did not discover that some refrigerators have "MEAT FISH STORAGE" drawers and find it hilarious.  We did not laugh until tears came out of our eyes as we tried to come with a way to ask why do you have AC adapters inside your display dresser, and what exactly do the DO for said dresser, since we knew we couldn't ask it with a straight face.  We did not marvel at treadmills, we did not sit in lawn chairs, we did not spend 30 minutes in a tiny kitchen store mocking some of the more... unusual devices.  We did not laugh and smile and enjoy our time far more than seems possible on a trip of that location.

Not me.  Not them.  Not us.

I did not work at a Samurai Sword Show for four days.  And while in the car on the way to the show I did not work at, I did not make a phone call to the biggest, most popular news station in that area to inquire whether or not they would be present to do a news piece on the show.  When the man answered, I did not say "Hi, my name is Jenn, and I am calling to see if you will be sending any reporters over to the Schlamurai Swow Shord," or something very similar.  I did not hear the jumble of words and lose the ability to speak while I laughed to myself.  And the reporter who had taken my call did not fall silent for a solid five seconds, and then crack up laughing so hard I suspect he had to lean on something for support just to keep from falling over, and gasp out "Ma'am, I am sorry.  Could you please repeat what you just asked me?  And then tell me what you meant to ask me?"  It did not strike me as so funny that for the rest of the weekend, all I needed was a little reminder and I would laugh until my entire BODY was bright red.  No, not me.  Because I never mix bits and pieces of words together to form various other words.

I also did not consume "schlockett" or blow "Blubblows" as a young child.

I did not consider the idea that I was truly losing my mind as I stood on the 12th floor of the convention center, noticing the floor pulsating and moving beneath my feet and hearing the sounds of loons drifting down the highway.  And I was not relieved when I realized everyone could feel the moving floor, nor was a relieved when I realized that the PA system was responsible for the loon sounds.   All day and all night.  Every day.  And every night.

I did not find it disproportionately funny to be working at a SWORD SHOW, where there really were sharp, shiny, big Samurai swords everywhere, while in the lobby, a large group was meeting to celebrate the beauty of organ donation and get more people to commit to it.  Because asking someone to donate organs while surrounded by signs announcing the presence of hundreds, maybe thousands, of swords and people of the sort that actually enjoy collecting these swords, is not ironic.  Or funny.

I did not know yesterday that I really was starting to feel crummy and I did not wake up this morning with a fever and tonsils swollen so much that they are squished together and glands so sore and swollen that I can't turn my head.  And doing so, and cancelling all plans for the day in order to stay wrapped in a blanket and not move, did not make me wonder what nurses think when you call and cancel a bone scan because you feel too crummy to come in and get tested to see if the bone in your leg is infected.

Lastly, I am not struggling to find things to share for Not Me Monday, because I haven't gotten out of the habit and I also have not had more stress than laughter recently.

*By did not I actually mean they really did.  Just to clarify.  There are probably witnesses willing to testify that all these things that did not happen, actually did happen. 

Hee Hee Funny.

My Grampa sent me the following in an email, and I really like it.  I suspect you will too.

Here is a bit of humor to lighten up your Monday Tuesday. Enjoy!

Paraprosdokian humor!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, 
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," - and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real,
but they have some good ideas!

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark
or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others, whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..

I always take life with a grain of salt . . . plus a slice of lemon . . . and a shot of tequila..

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are

after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.