Saturday, March 28, 2009


I am full. Not as in "my belly is full because I ate a lot." Full as in there is so much inside me that I'm not sure how to contai it.

I'm not sure how many of you have been or currently are a stay at home mom. Way back when, in 2006, I was going to do that. I was full then, too. Full of hope, full of joy. Full of baby. Okay, not exactly full... but there was a baby alive and growing inside of me. My husband and I were so elated. And then, I got to hear that tiny little heart beat. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. Going so fast. And then there was that ultrasound. The one that told us there would be no baby.

After that, we started pursuing fertility treatments hard core. We had two more losses. Another cycle yielded several days of positive tests but ended right on schedule. And after that? My grandma was killed in an accident. An accident that, no matter what anybody says, and no matter how I seem on the outside, I still feel so much responsibility for. I've been told that if I am responsible, she'd be grateful. Because she's in heaven. And you know, that's probably true. That's not what I feel guilty about though. The part that I want to change, to undo, is the heartbreak those left without her have to endure. I would do just about anything to go back and do things differently.

I had a wonderful job, for 8 months, as a nanny for an amazing little boy named Andres. That was by far the most fulfilling job I have ever had. I then started to work for a local hospital, but had to quit when I got a head injury. And that brings me to today.

I am full. I am full of regret. Of sorrow. Of anger. Of hurt. Of uncertainty. Of fear. There are so many things that I keep carefully and markedly absent from this blog. Things that keep me awake at night. That impact my work life. My social life. My relationship wtih my amazing husband. My spiritual life.

And yet... I am full. I am full of peace. I am full of hope. Of joy. Of thankfulness. Of wonder. Of anticipation. Because in spite of everything I just wrote, I am redeemed. I have been bought with a price. I am in right standing with God Almighty. Not by works or my own strength, but by the sacrifice made for me. And that is truly what fills me.

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