Fullness.

I am full. Not as in "my belly is full because I ate a lot." Full as in there is so much inside me that I'm not sure how to contai it.

I'm not sure how many of you have been or currently are a stay at home mom. Way back when, in 2006, I was going to do that. I was full then, too. Full of hope, full of joy. Full of baby. Okay, not exactly full... but there was a baby alive and growing inside of me. My husband and I were so elated. And then, I got to hear that tiny little heart beat. Whoosh whoosh whoosh. Going so fast. And then there was that ultrasound. The one that told us there would be no baby.

After that, we started pursuing fertility treatments hard core. We had two more losses. Another cycle yielded several days of positive tests but ended right on schedule. And after that? My grandma was killed in an accident. An accident that, no matter what anybody says, and no matter how I seem on the outside, I still feel so much responsibility for. I've been told that if I am responsible, she'd be grateful. Because she's in heaven. And you know, that's probably true. That's not what I feel guilty about though. The part that I want to change, to undo, is the heartbreak those left without her have to endure. I would do just about anything to go back and do things differently.

I had a wonderful job, for 8 months, as a nanny for an amazing little boy named Andres. That was by far the most fulfilling job I have ever had. I then started to work for a local hospital, but had to quit when I got a head injury. And that brings me to today.

I am full. I am full of regret. Of sorrow. Of anger. Of hurt. Of uncertainty. Of fear. There are so many things that I keep carefully and markedly absent from this blog. Things that keep me awake at night. That impact my work life. My social life. My relationship wtih my amazing husband. My spiritual life.

And yet... I am full. I am full of peace. I am full of hope. Of joy. Of thankfulness. Of wonder. Of anticipation. Because in spite of everything I just wrote, I am redeemed. I have been bought with a price. I am in right standing with God Almighty. Not by works or my own strength, but by the sacrifice made for me. And that is truly what fills me.

I'm Trying.

Having recently started a full time job, and not having eliminated any of the other time-consuming things I do, I find myself with very few "extra minutes" with which to write here. So when I do have the time, like right now, I'm going to strive to be more careful about what I say. To consider my words, to think about what it is that I'm really putting out there.

That said, tonight's post is actually about adoption.

In Romans 8, verses 15 through 17, it says: For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

The part I'm focusing on is that second half of the first sentence. The spirit of adoption whereby I call out "Abba, Father." Abba. Abba doesn't just mean "father." It's so much more... in Clarke's Commentary, I found this statement... "[these words show] that the persons in question [have] the strongest evidence of the excellence of the state in which they stand; they know that they are thus adopted..." There's a lot more, but this is the thrust of what I've been mulling over in my mind.

You see... I've never been legally adopted. But I have been adopted. I was reminded of it once again this evening, when someone who's been helping me figure some things out said, "You know... from my perspective, your life really turned around when you were basically adopted by that man and his wife. In so many ways, it was nothing short of miraculous." That got me to thinking...

I was more or less adopted. There are two people who love me and treat me like one of their own children. Only it somehow is more than that. Deeper than that. Because they didn't birth me. They didn't raise me from a tiny baby on. They chose me. When I was in the middle of the darkest time in my life, when I was my most unlovable. They chose to bring me into their life. Into their hearts. They adopted me. They chose me.

And so did God. When I was as separated from Him as the east is from the west, when I was lost, unlovable, sin-stained and too proud to admit it... He chose me. He didn't have to love me. Didn't have to welcome me with open arms. Didn't have to to bring me in to His family. But He did.

He chose me. He loves me. I am part of HIS family.

And tonight, I am thankful. Thankful that a man and his wife chose me. Adopted me. Loved me. And now, I have my own family. My own husband, my own life "separate" from them. And they still love me. And they still call me theirs. And they still are proud of me. And I am so thankful.

Still Kickin'

Wow. I don't know when the last time I went this long without posting was - but it's certainly been a while.

Why, you may ask, has it been nine long days since the last post? Glad you asked - here's the deal.

First, I have in the past composed the vast majority of all of my posts sometime between 11:00PM and 4:30AM. Because in the past, I have spent that time period awake most nights. I haven't talked about it much here, because I don't see this as a place to complain or whine. However, the truth is, sleep is something I've struggled with just about my whole life. Even in elementary school. So now, being 25 years old, it seems that someone has finally hit on something that actually helps. It is a medication, but not a traditional "sleep medicine." Instead of knocking me out (like my old friend, Ambien), it addresses the root problem. Addressing this has meant that I sleep like "normal people" do. So the past week, I've been going to bed by about 11:00 at the latest. And sleeping. Oh what a blessing sleep is! I can't remember the last time I woke up five out of eight mornings feeling refreshed and outright good.

You might be wondering why I can't post during the day then? My answer brings me to number two.

I got a job. A good job. Full time. Pay is pretty decent. My husband is working there too. We started the same day, and we're in the same training class. We're aware that working with one's spouse can present unique challenges and even be downright difficult. We do have one up on some other couples who work together - we actually spent the nine months prior to our wedding working together, too. Anyway, I am getting off track.

This new job is with a large, stable company. It is a call center job. I'll be taking calls from business customers, and working to resolve any issues they may be haviing with the services provided by this company. That part of the job does not thrill me. I'll do it, though, and I will do it very well.

So, since the job itself doesn't thrill me, why on earth did I choose this company? Well, for one, they were willing to hire me. They actually take the time to read each application. They base their decisions more on experience and the loooong interview process, rather than vetoing everyone who may not appear on the surface to have the right education or job experience. But other than that (since there were a couple other offers made to me the same week I accepted this position), what's so great? Well... the pay is $3.00 higher than the average starting wage in our area. Once we're done with training (mid April), we have the opportunity to earn some serious bonuses for merely doing our job. Not even doing it really well - just showing up on time and not treating the customers like dirt. On top of that, we do have sales commission that we can make and some significant monetary compensation for going "above and beyond" with issue resolution. The health benefits are pretty great - above average for our area. They offer real live fertility coverage - all we pay is the standard copay. That's almost unheard of in this fantastic state I live in. Really, I do live in a fantastic state. With terrible fertility coverage. An outstanding dental program, and vision. Adoption assistance. And way more that I am too lazy to write about.

But the real kicker here? I have already started the process of getting a promotion. Total estimated time in my position before that? Six months. Yep, this company definitely offers advancement opportunities. I'm working on a daunting special project this afternoon, in fact. I want to have it done within the next four weeks... so we'll see how it goes. It's not required, not even for the promotion, but it would go a long ways toward giving me favor. So I'm quite excited about the whole opportunity.

Okay. On to thing three.

The reason this job prevents me from posting? Well... we leave our house between 7:00 and 7:15 AM, each morning. On Monday night, we got home at 6:00, because we had to stop off in another town to drop something off. This will continue to happen on Monday nights for an indefinite period. On Tuesday night, we got home at about 6:45, because we had an appointment we had to go to. This will also continue to happen for an indefinite period. Wednesday night, we got home at 11:15 PM, because we had church. Thursday night, we got home at 9:30, because we had choir. Last night was a normal night. We got home at a decent time of 5:30. So you see, I've gone from being a home maker to a never-home-woman. Throws one for a loop, ya know.

So yeah. Those are my reasons. Excuses. Whatever you'd like to call them. And now, I am off to work on that project I mentioned. Or perhaps, on my Not Me Monday post. Or even on some other randomly scheduled posts.