Monday, July 21, 2008

Heavy Load.

Right now, I am heavy. In so many ways, in so many areas.

Something is up, physically. And no, I am not pregnant. I wish I was, but I'm not. A myriad of symptoms, neurological, hematological, and musculoskelatal, maybe endocrine. That's as specific as I'll get. The exactness is irrelevant. What's relevant is that I'm fighting fear. And I'm fighting doubt. Both have been trying to creep in. Questions pop into my mind... what if it's _____? Or _____? Or worse yet - what if the stress of life is just making me crazy and my mind is deceiving my body without my consent or knowledge? Anyway... whatever is going on has caused me to gain weight. I've been eating a lot less, working/exercising more, and have gained weight. Which is wierd - I've always had to fight to gain even a pound, and suddenly 14 pounds in less than two weeks? I'm not fat yet... but if this continues, it won't take long.

What else... I've been struggling with our home situation. Not home situation as in my husband beating me or anything of that sort. But our home situation as in we don't have one as of the 31st. We turned in our notice here, which is something I'll get into next paragraph, anticipating that our house would at least be habitable by the end of this month. Nope. Not even close. It's not really anybody's fault, per se. Sure, if we'd all busted butt the last three months to the point of nearly dropping, maybe we'd be a lot closer - but probably still not there. And so we are finding ourselves scheduled for help moving on Sunday. But right now, our only visible option (which isn't even a for sure one) is moving into a tiny, cramped apartment in a run down building in a neighborhood known for drug raids and crime. I know that my God must have something better - but fear we've missed it somehow.

Going back to the turning in our notice... I pressured Derek, saying it was the right and honorable thing to do, so that our landlord would be able to find a tenant without a lot of overlap. He should not have listened - I was wrong. We should have said "We're renovating a house and will be out by the end of this year, and we'll endeavor to be out before winter." Oh how I regret being so pushy - I've gotten our family into a fine pickle.

I've been struggling with my marriage. Not as in I want out or I'm afraid he's unfaithful or anything. But as in "what in the world was he thinking marrying a person like me?" And in spite of wondering that, it bothers me that he hasn't had the look in a long time. I have been trying to go back to being the woman he fell in love with, but... I feel like I'm falling apart, and his dreams are falling apart with me. Does this sound as crazy as I think it does?

Tonight, we had our church's leadership meeting. Pastor was talking about physical pain - and about how it drains a person. Until they feel like they are hanging on by a thread. I look back at the last several months... and there has been increasing physical pain. There has been emotional strain. There has been financial strain. And it's drained me. I was that person he was referring to - at least, I was one of them. He encouraged us, somewhat firmly, to hold on. To keep struggling, keep trying. I need that reminder. It wouldn't be the same cominf from any random person, or for that matter, from any NOT random person in my life.

The final thing that's been bugging me is that I've been considering having surgery. Again. To remove endometriosis. Again. And just considering that makes me feel so faithless, so much like a failure... Jesus bore my sickness and infirmity on the cross. I don't have to. And yet, here I am, considering surgery for a chronic illness, yet again. This month was worse than last month - I'm bleeding more, hurting more.

So for tonight, that's all I've got.

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