Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Once Again...

Last time I wrote here was the day before a meeting with my Pastor. It does seem only fitting that I'd write again now - exactly 28 days later. Tomorrow evening, we've got another meeting with our Pastor. I'm not really sure what about... well, obviously, it's about gramma. The uncertainty comes in when I try to contemplate what will be said. Not much by me, I'm sure - if all I needed was an ear, any random person of compassion would suffice. What I need is guidance. Not flakey platitudes, not reassurance that I'm doing 'just fine' and I really don't need to be reminded that it's not my fault. I still feel that it is, at least in part, my fault. Not that I did it on purpose, but more that some things I've done set of a chain reaction that eventually led to this.

This meeting will see me in better shape spiritually, which is good. My husband says that I've improved emotionally, which is good as well. Inside, I am not sure I feel at all better, but for the most part, I am better. Not all better. But some. When I do think of her, I still cry, a lot. And when I don't think of her, I feel sad for not thinking to do so.

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