Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Unfounded Fear

I have an unfounded fear that tomorrow's meeting may hold rebuke for me. And I don't know why I'm afraid of that prospect, except maybe because I don't know what I've possibly done wrong. It certainly isn't fear of rebuke, or fear of rebuke by my Pastor specifically - I've been rebuked fairly sternly before by him and it isn't a bad thing. He's the first person I've known who could so sternly rebuff/rebuke and still be oozing compassion and concern and Godly love.
The other fear I have is that he'll ask if I blame myself. And the mere question implies innocence, complete innocence, on my part. And that isn't reality. Reality is, specific actions that I can trace back well over a year headed up a chain reaction, and while I did not cause the milk truck to obliterate the van, I do firmly adhere to the belief that what happened can be directly traced to my actions. And that had I chosen to respond differently, had I chosen faith and obedience over outright rebellion, she would still be here. And in his questions, I'm afraid I'll have to get specific. I doubt the answer of "within the last two years, I willfully and deliberately committed an act of rebellion" will be satisfactory. I have told God, and only God, when I confessed and repented, truly repented, and NOBODY else has a clue what it could be. And awful though it sounds, the thing that scares me most about revealing it in the meeting tomorrow is having to see the disappointment and sadness on my husband's face. How lame is that?
All that being said - even if I have to spill every gory detail - I will do it in order to restore right standing in my life. Because if I don't change I'm on a bad bad road, and it will lead only to destruction. And worse yet, separation from God. And that is the one, the only thing that I can not do without.

Bring The Rain
~Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with
all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer
through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

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