Today.

Today, I am starting to really understand that she's not coming back. It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, she's gone. I won't see her again until I enter heaven. I won't hear her voice, and I can't touch her face. I can talk to her... but will she hear? And no matter how loudly I shout, no matter how softly I cry, she can't answer me. Today, I can't remember her laugh. I can picture her smile, but I can't hear her laugh. I hate that. How is it that I love her this much, and I can't remember what she sounded like laughing? Is it that I've forgotten, whether because of simple memory lapses, or grief... or is it that it has been that long since I've heard her laugh.
Why am I crying? I can't cry without her... I need her to hold me, to tell me it's okay. To remind me that God is good. To help me be strong. I'm afraid of raising children without her. I'm afraid of trying to keep my faith without her. Mostly, I'm afraid of being without her. It's so selfish, and yet this pain is so raw... so real... the tears are hot, and they just keep coming.
And it seems like the world hasn't been impacted at all. I know it has - I know so many of us wouldn't be who we are (or here at all) without her. And yet, we just keep moving along. I don't understand... how can we keep living, keep being joyful, keep being strong... and not remember? How do people not talk about her? How do they live their lives without her? I only wish I knew...