Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sometimes, It's Hard to Choose

The last few weeks have been... trying. Full of lots of very low points. Trials. Struggles. Pain. Sorrow. Spiritual warfare. Physical issues. I haven't written much during this time, and I'm not going to start going into details now. Instead, I'm going to do something else. I'm going to share with you the moments of joy I've had. The sweet times. The good ones. Because I'm making a choice, one that is not necessarily "easy" to carry out. I am choosing to set my mind on those good things, and even though I can't ignore the negatives, I am not going to give them any more thought or attention than is absolutely necessary.

So. Where to start?

First... sleep. I've been getting it. Enough of it. Most nights. I'm not sure if it's a change in attitude, a change in routine, or the medication I'm taking (which, incidently, is not a sleep aid). I suspect it's a combination of all three. And honestly, I don't actually care why. I'm just thankful.

What next? I've gotten assigned to a decent shift at work - 9:00 - 5:30. I wish Derek had gotten something similar, and I'm disappointed about trying to make our schedules work. But. I'm thankful that the commitments I have several evenings each week can now be met. And I'm thankful that this conflict of schedules is only temporary.

Moments of peace. Of joy. Of sweetness. Tonight, my husband and I were enoying some time just looking into eachother's eyes. He said the sweetest thing... he looked right at me and said, "You have Gramma's eyes." You see... I miss that woman more than I can put into words. And to hear someone else say that they can see even traces of her in me... well, it makes it somehow easier. It's not that I need to have a tangible reminder of her in order to remember... but in some ways, I guess maybe I do need that.

My husband's cat. She's tiny. She's intense. She's silly. Sweet. Absolutely gorgeous. And tonight, for whatever reason, she set herself up in a spot that made for some rather fun lighting on her.

On the topic of cats... All three girls, for reasons I may never know, decided they were going to sit in the window. One window. Together. It was way too cute to pass up:

Love. Relationships. Peace. Harmony. Unity. We spent last weekend with my dad and stepmom, Kelly. Watching them together is such a blessing... they are so in love. And not just the mushy warm fuzzy kind. The kind that is for keeps. This picture was taken in haste, with a telephoto lens while hiking. Even so... aren't they cute??

There's been so much. When I stop and try to think of everything good, everything I want to write about... words escape me. Some things, I could write for hours about. Some things, I can't seem to find anything at all to say. But this... this, I'm just not sure how or where to go with it.
This past week, someone who is older than me, wiser than me, and has walked with God longer, sat in a room with me for nearly an hour. This individual helped me to set some things straight in my own heart and mind, and helped me to pray and really seek God and let Him do His work in my heart. I left feeling so... uplifted. The next day, that feeling was still there. But by yesterday, I was starting to wonder if anything had changed at all. And then tonight comes. And I realize that yes... in ways I can't describe, I've changed. Not by my might, not by my own strength. But by the power of the One who is in me. And that, all by itself, is something that I am immeasurably thankful for.

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