Saturday, February 10, 2007

Pleading Guilty.

I can't help but think that I could have prevented this turmoil, this heartache, this wrenching, searing pain. How? I could have respected and honored her a little more... cherished her, asked her to stay a while. Maybe she'd still have died, but not that way. Not in a horrible accident, one which disfigured her, made her into an unrecognizable lump of humanity. One which has caused my Grampa, sweet, good-hearted, fiercely loyal Grampa, more pain that he knows how to handle. One which he blames himself entirely for.
I feel so responsible... if I hadn't insisted on having the stupid knee surgery, she'd still be alive. And maybe if I'd honored her, respected her enough to ask her to stay instead of asking her to leave, they'd have remained the extra 30 seconds necessary to avoid all of this. I struggle not to hate myself, struggle not to become bitter or wrapped in self pity - and I keep finding myself thinking "It's all my fault, really. I caused this. I killed the best woman I have EVER known. My best friend, my mentor, the one who held us all up."

Stumble Upon Toolbar

No comments: