How I long for children. NOt just any child. I long for Anna. Especially this time of year... my beautiful girl's birthday is Monday. I know it's only a due date, and she could have been born at ANY time, if she had gotten the privelage to be born at all. But, it's the closest I have. And I need a day to remember her. It's just so hard this year... I don't have my gramma to lean on. And I don't want to say anything to Derek... he's not struggling with it now, and for his sake, i want it to stay that way.

Looking for a job... I'd really like to get in at a photo studio part time. It would give me a chance to get some real-life practice and training, and provide income, all without having to spend a whole bunch on equipment. I am now officially the "un-nanny." My baby is no longer my baby. I'll sure miss him... but I really think this is for the better.

Today I am going to go out in the marsh to take pictures (maybe) and for sure try and find eagles or hawks or SOMETHING... I look forward to being financially able to obtain the mega telephoto that I want. My ability to get those really great shots will go up SIGNIFICANTLY at that point. But it's not the focus right now.

Now, what I really wanted to write... we're four days out from Annaliah's birthday (or due date, rather). She was due December 17th of 2006. It is amazing how much joy that little one brought to so many, without even being born... and how much sorrow accompanied her early departure. We've been pregnant four times - and lost it each time. There are several factors that have contributed, none of which I'll share at this point. Anna was the one that impacted us the most, and impacted those around us the most. She's in heaven now, with my gramma. They're dancing on golden streets, falling before the throne, singing praises. And oh, how I miss them most. I am so glad that last year, I had gramma to help me through this anniversary of sorts... it's tough. And this year... in some ways, it's much harder. Nobody else ever talks about her, and I don't think anybody remembers her due date. I'm certainly not about to start reminding people - I've got the idea that this is one of those things that a mother stores in her heart. Because really, I am a mother. There are souls in heaven that are a product of the love between my husband and I. We knew Anna the longest, and I think that is why her absence is the most painful.

It seems that lately, so many well meaning people have made comments to Derek and I regarding having children... "When you two finally decide to have a baby, then..." or "When are you going to have children?" or "Weren't you pregnant a while back?" or my very favorite... "It's good that you're waiting to have kids. Being parents is so much work, and involves so much sacrifice..." Usually I just walk away. But, it's hard. What I'd like to do is turn and say, "First of all, we ARE parents. We have FIVE children. They are blessed and they do not live on this planet. We are blessed for having the privelage of uniting to bring them life, and blessed with the knowledge that they will never suffer the trials of this life. And we miss them more than you probably can know. We haven't chosen this road - we would prefer, for our sakes and for the sake of those we love, for all five of those children to be with us here. We'd like to watch them grow, to teach them to walk, to talk, to love... but the true proof of our parenthood is this: like any truly loving parent, we want only the best for our children. And the best for our children is heaven. We are not angry or bitter or jealous. And we see the blessing in knowing that we won't spend nights agonizing over the salvation of any of them. And we are happy for them - happy that they are indeed, more than anything we've ever known, perfect, healthy, complete, and full of joy. Since our last miscarriage, a year ago January 5th, we've been struggling to get pregnant again. We've gotten some answers about our losses, and have steps we can take to prevent them in the future. But for a variety of reasons, pregnancy is not an easy thing for us to obtain. Without help, medical professionals feel that we would NEVER become pregnant again. So before you criticize us for the treatments, or congratulate us on the choice to wait, please consider what it is you are really trying to do. If you're trying to build us up, pointing out the benefits of being childless is the worst way to go. We are not childless -we've got five. We are not waiting - we're plunging ahead with fertility treatments, racing to stay ahead of the disease in my body and struggling to keep our heads above the financial waters. If you'd really like to help, pray. Pray for success with our upcoming IVF. Pray for financial provision. Pray for peace and comfort during this season, as we should be celebrating our daughter's first birthday. And take a closer look at your children, and say a special prayer of thanks."
I do wonder what would happen if I turned to someone and said that...