Happy-sad.

This is one of those things that most people don't know. So as to avoid spreading news that isn't mine to spread... I'll just say that someone I know and love very much is soon to marry the spouse of their dreams (and of the dreams I have for him or her). The result is what I've always wanted, but... it will mean that instead of 30 minutes to go see this individual, it will be at least a 2 hour drive. But what a small sacrifice to see this happen! Looking at sometime this spring.

Second, I spoke tonight with my dad about my gramma - how much we miss her. How much we wish certain things could have happened. He's dating a woman who only got to meet Gramma one time (or was it twice?) before the accident. He was having a hard time on the way home from church last night, thinking about how much he wishes his girlfriend could have gotten to know her. I wish that too - my Gramma was an absolutely amazing woman and his girlfriend deserves to have known her. Now it won't happen this side of heaven.

Finally... We're on supression meds right now, and will be for the next three months, until we are ready to embark down the road of IVF. Lots of turmoil surrounding that. No issue with whether we should or shouldn't - that's been decided for quite a while, and we've got peace. The turmoil is in dealing with all that comes with it. Finances, while certainly not a deciding issue or factor, certainly are still an issue. We can swing it - by God's grace. We'll be paying it off for at least a year or two, barring significant outside help, but it's worth it. We've got faith that this will work the first time. I don't have any doubt - not really. The question does get shoved into my head from time to time - what if it DOESN'T work - that's a lot of money down the drain? But My God IS God, a faithful God. We truly believe that this is the way for us to go, and the way that HE would have for us to go. Most of the turmoil is in the arena of support. My dad is supportive and by far the best dad on the planet (I'm biased, but so what?) My father-in-law is supportive too. My mother-in-law wants a child (or children) for us almost as badly as we do, so there is definately support and compassion coming in there. But I miss Gramma - I could talk to her about it all, and she knew what to do (usually), and if she didn't know, she'd say so. She didn't understand all the time, but was as supportive as anybody could be. I had a vague idea at one point that I would have similar (probably not as much or as "close" as with gramma) support from my mom. Thought maybe I could talk to her about it, like when I was much younger and we talked about everything. But it's not happening. She's convinced that all the fertility treatments are sin, messing with God's will, and probably going to result only in heartache and likely death. :( I tried to tell her that we'd done our research, done our praying, and consulted with spiritually mature people on the matter, and that what I need is support, not constant nay-saying and gloom-and-doom prophesies. She said she was sorry. And then that she was entitled to her opinion, and as long as we were doing "that stuff" (referring to fertility treatments) she would voice her concerns, as she'd done a lot of reading. (What reading? If properly administered and monitored, many fertility treatments are safer than a lot of conventional treatments for things like asthma, eczema, depression, insomnia...) And that she'd make SURE we knew how worried and concerned she was. But that we'd have her full support. I guess I don't see those as going hand in hand. Mentioning concerns or fears, asking questions, yes. Spending twenty minutes of a twenty two minute conversation telling me how badly we're screwing up and going to get hurt... not so much. **shrug** I guess this is really my chance to lean on God for support and comfort.

Time.

I'm not complaining - I've been blessed with more "free time" than most people I know. And it IS very nice to have that freedom. Trouble is... sometimes it grates on me. I'm trying to start up our business, and I feel like with no direction, no input, and no interaction, it's a dead-end road. I know it isn't - I trust my husband on this one. It's just frustrating right now.

In the time since I wrote last... many things have changed. And yet, in a lot of ways, everything is still all the same. I'm still learning to paint with oils - although the last two and a half weeks have been anything but conducive. My husband and I are still trying to have a baby. Well, sort of.

I just had another laparoscopy to clean up a little bit of endometriosis - turns out that was a misconception we had going into it. This second surgery was far more extensive (AND PAINFUL) than the first. I had a hysteroscopy, too, which has caused some issues (18 days out of surgery, I'm still bleeding quite a bit, and it shows - I'm tired, weak, dizzy, but mostly I'm just COOOOOLLLLLLDDDDD all the time.) that are FINALLY starting to resolve (I think). I'm on a hormonal medication for my uterus and also on birth control, and as soon as I finish this particular hormonal med, I'll be moving on to a much heavier-duty one for the next several months.