I Remember - Do You?

American Airlines Flight 11

Anna Allison-David Angell-Lynn Angell-Seima Aoyama-Barbara Arestegui-Myra Aronson-Christine Barbuto-Carolyn Beug-Kelly Booms-Carol Bouchard-Robin Kaplan-Neilie Casey-Jeffrey Collman-Jeffrey Coombs-Tara Creamer-Thelma Cuccinello-Patrick Currivan-Brian Dale-David Dimeglio-Donald Ditullio-Alberto Dominguez-Paige Farley-Hackel-Alexander Filipov-Carol Flyzik-Paul Friedman-Karleton Fyfe-Peter Gay-Linda George -Edmund Glazer-Lisa Gordenstein-Andrew Green-Peter Hashem-Robert Hayes-Edward Hennessy-John Hofer-Cora Holland-John Humber--Waleed Iskandar-John Jenkins-Charles Jones-Barbara Keating-David Kovalcin-Judith Larocque-Natalie Lasden-Daniel Lee-Daniel Lewin-Sara Low-Susan Mackay-Karen Martin-Thomas McGuinness-Christopher Mello-Jeffrey Mladenik-Carlos Montoya-Antonio Valdes-Laura Morabito-Mildred Naiman-Laurie Neira-Renee Newell-Kathleen Nicosia-Jacqueline Norton-Robert Norton-John Ogonowski-Betty Ong-Jane Orth-Thomas Pecorelli-Berinthia Perkins-Sonia Puopolo-David Retik-Jean Roger-Philip Rosenzweig-Richard Ross-Jessica Sachs-Rahma Salie-Heather Smith-Dianne Snyder-Douglas Stone-Xavier Suarez-Madeline Sweeney-Michael Theodoridis-James Trentini-Mary Trentini-Pendyala Vamsikrishna-Mary Wahlstrom-Kenneth Waldie-John Wenckus-Candace Williams-Christopher Zarba

United Airlines Flight 175

Alona Abraham-Garnet Bailey-Mark Bavis-Graham Berkeley-Touri Bolourchi-Klaus Bothe-Daniel Brandhorst-David Brandhorst-John Cahill-Christoffer Carstanjen-John Corcoran-Dorothy de Araujo-Ana Debarrera-Robert Fangman-Lisa Frost-Ronald Gamboa-Lynn Goodchild-Peter Goodrich-Douglas Gowell-Francis Grogan-Carl Hammond-Christine Hanson-Peter Hanson-Susan Hanson-Gerald Hardacre-Eric Hartono-James Hayden-Herbert Homer-Michael Horrocks-Robert Jalbert-Amy Jarret-Ralph Kershaw-Heinrich Kimmig-Amy King-Brian Kinney-Kathryn LaBorie-Robert Leblanc-Maclovio Lopez-Marianne Macfarlane-Alfred Marchand-Louis Mariani-Juliana McCourt-Ruth McCourt-Wolfgang Menzel-Shawn Nassaney-Marie Pappalardo-Patrick Quigley-Frederick Rimmele-James Roux-Jesus Sanchez-Victor Saracini-Mary Shearer-Robert Shearer-Jane Simpkin-Brian Sweeney-Michael Tarrou-Alicia Titus-Timothy Ward-William Weems

Pentagon

Craig Amundson-Melissa Barnes-Max Beilke-Kris Bishundat-Carrie Blagburn-Canfield Boone-Donna Bowen-Allen Boyle-Christopher Burford-Daniel Caballero-Jose Calderon-Olmedo-Angelene Carter-Sharon Carver-John Chada-Rosa Chapa-Julian Cooper-Eric Cranford-Ada Davis-Gerald DeConto-Jerry Dickerson-Johnnie Doctor-Robert Dolan-William Donovan-Patrick Dunn-Edward Earhart-Robert Elseth-Jamie Fallon-Amelia Fields-Gerald Fisher-Matthew Flocco-Sandra Foster-Lawrence Getzfred-Cortez Ghee-Brenda Gibson-Ronald Golinski-Diane Hale-McKinzy-Carolyn Halmon-Sheila Hein-Ronald Hemenway-Wallace Hogan-Jimmie Holley-Angela Houtz-Brady Howell-Peggie Hurt-Stephen Hyland-Robert Hymel-Lacey Ivory-Dennis Johnson-Judith Jones-Brenda Kegler-Michael Lamana-David Laychak-Samantha Lightbourn-Allen-Stephen Long-James Lynch-Terence Lynch-Nehamon Lyons-Shelley Marshall-Teresa Martin-Ada Mason-Acker-Dean Mattson-Timothy Maude-Robert Maxwell-Molly McKenzie-Patricia Mickley-Ronald Milam-Gerard Moran-Odessa Morris-Brian Moss-Teddington Moy-Patrick Murphy-Khang Nguyen-Michael Noetn-Ruben Ornedo-Diana Padro-Jonas Panik-Clifford Patterson-Darin Pontell-Scott Powell-Jack Punches-Joseph Pycior-Deborah Ramsaur-Rhonda Rasmussen-Marsha Ratchford-Martha Reszke-Cecelia Richard-Edward Rowenhorst-Judy Rowlett-Robert Russell-William Ruth-Charles Sabin-Marjorie Salamone-David Scales-Robert Schlegel-Janice Scott-Michael Selves-Marian Serva-Dan Shanower-Antionette Sherman-Diane Simmons-Cheryle Sincock-Gregg Smallwood-Gary Smith-Patricia Statz-Edna Stephens-Larry Strickland-Kip Taylor-Sandra Taylor-Karl Teepe-Tamara Thurman-Otis Tolbert-Willie Troy-Ronald Vauk-Karen Wagner-Meta Waller-Chin Sun Wells-Maudlyn White-Sandra White-Ernest Willcher-David Williams-Dwayne Williams-Marvin Woods-Kevin Yokum-Donald Young-Edmond Young-Lisa Young

American Airlines Flight 77

Paul Ambrose-Yeneneh Betru-Mary Booth-Bernard Brown-Charles Burlingame-Suzanne Calley-William Caswell-David Charlebois-Sarah Clark-Asia Cottom-James Debeuneure-Rodney Dickens-Eddie Dillard-Charles Droz-Barbara Edwards-Charles Falkenberg-Dana Falkenberg-Zoe Falkenberg-Joseph Ferguson-Darlene Flagg-Wilson Flagg-Richard Gabriel-Ian Gray-Stanley Hall-Michele Heidenberger-Bryan Jack-Steven Jacoby-Ann Judge-Chandler Keller-Yvonne Kennedy-Norma Khan-Karen Kincaid-Dong Lee-Jennifer Lewis-Kenneth Lewis-Renee May-Dora Menchaca-Christopher Newton-Barbara Olson-Ruben Ornedo-Robert Penninger-Robert Ploger-Zandra Ploger-Lisa Raines-Todd Reuben-John Sammartino-George Simmons-Donald Simmons-Mari-Rae Sopper-Robert Speisman-Norma Steuerle-Hilda Taylor-Leonard Taylor-Sandra Teague-Leslie Whittington- John Yamnicky-Vicki Yancey-Shuyin Yang-Yuguag Zheng

United Airlines Flight 93

Christian Adams-Lorraine Bay-Todd Beamer-Alan Beaven--Mark Bingham-Deora Bodley-Sandra Bradshaw-Marion Britton-Thomas Burnett-William Cashman-Georgine Corrigan-Patricia Cushing-Jason Dahl-Joseph Deluca-Patrick Driscoll-Edward Felt-Jane Folger-Colleen Fraser-Andrew Garcia-Jeremy Glick-Lauren Grandcolas-Wanda Green-Donald Greene-Linda Gronlund-Richard Guadagno-Leroy Homer-Toshiya Kuge-CeeCee Lyles-Hilda Marcin-Waleska Martinez-Nicole Miller-Louis Nacke-Donald Peterson-Jean Peterson-Mark Rothenberg-Christine Snyder-John Talignani-Elizabeth Wainio-Deborah Welsh-Kristin White

World Trade Center Towers

Gordon Aamoth-Edelmiro Abad-Maria Abad-Andrew Abate-Vincent Abate-Laurence Abel-William Abrahamson-Richard Aceto-Jesus Rescand-Heinrich Ackermann-Paul Acquaviva-Donald Adams-Patrick Adams-Shannon Adams-Stephen Adams-Ignatius Adanga-Christy Addamo-Terence Adderley-Sophia Addo-Lee Adler-Daniel Afflitto-Emmanuel Afuakwah-Alok Agarwal-Mukul Agarwala-Joseph Agnello-David Agnes-Brian Ahearn-Jeremiah Ahern-Joanne Ahladiotis-Shabbir Ahmed-Terrance Aiken-Godwin Ajala-Gertrude Alagero-Andrew Alameno-Margaret Alario-Gary Albero-Jon Albert-Peter Alderman-Jacquelyn Aldridge-David Alger-Sarah Ali-Escarcega-Ernest Alikakos-Edward Allegretto-Eric Allen-Joseph Allen-Richard D. Allen-Richard L. Allen-Christopher Allingham-Janet Alonso-Arturo Alva-Moreno-Anthony Alvarado-Antonio Alvarez-Victoria Alvarez-Brito-Telmo Alvear-Cesar Alviar-Tariq Amanullah-Angelo Amaranto-James Amato-Joseph Amatuccio-Christopher Amoroso-Kazuhiro Anai-Calixto Anaya-Joseph Anchundia-Kermit Anderson-Yvette Anderson-John Andreacchio-Michael Andrews-Jean Andrucki-Siew-Nya Ang-Joseph Angelini, Jr-Joseph Angelini, Sr-Laura Angilletta-Doreen Angrisani-Lorraine Antigua-Peter Apollo-Faustino Apostol-Frank Aquilino-Patrick Aranyos-David Arce-Michael Arczynski -Louis Arena-Adam Arias-Michael Armstrong-Jack Aron-Joshua Aron-Richard Aronow-Japhet Aryee-Patrick Asante-Carl Asaro-Michael Asciak-Michael Asher-Janice Ashley-Thomas Ashton-Manuel Asitimbay-Gregg Atlas-Gerald Atwood-James Audiffred-Louis Aversano-Ezra Aviles-Sandy Ayala-Arlene Babakitis-Eustace Bacchus-John Badagliacca-Jane Baeszler-Robert Baierwalter-Andrew Bailey-Brett Bailey-Tatyana Bakalinskaya-Michael Baksh-Sharon Balkcom-Michael Bane-Katherine Bantis-Gerard Baptiste-Walter Baran-Gerard Barbara-Paul Barbaro-James Barbella-Ivan Barbosa-Victor Barbosa-Colleen Barkow-David Barkway-Matthew Barnes-Sheila Barnes-Evan Baron-Renee Barrett-Arjune-Nathaly Barrios-Arthur Barry-Diane Barry-Maurice Barry-Scott Bart-Carlton Bartels-Guy Barzvi-Inna Basina-Alysia Basmajian-Kenneth Basnicki-Steven Bates-Paul Battaglia-Walter Bauer-Marlyn Bautista-Jasper Baxter-Michele Beale-Paul Beatini-Jane Beatty-Lawrence Beck-Manette Beckles-Carl Bedigian-Michael Beekman-Maria Behr-Yelena Belilovsky -Nina Bell-Debbie Bellows-Stephen Belson-Paul Benedetti-Denise Benedetto -Maria Bengochea-Bryan Bennett-Eric Bennett-Oliver Bennett-Margaret Benson-Dominick Berardi-James Berger-Steven Berger-John Bergin-Alvin Bergsohn-Daniel Bergstein-Michael Berkeley-Donna Bernaerts-David Bernard-William Bernstein-David Berray-David. Berry-Joseph Berry-William Bethke-Timothy Betterly-Edward Beyea-Paul Beyer-Anil Bharvaney-Bella Bhukhan-Shimmy Biegeleisen-Peter Bielfeld-William Biggart-Brian Bilcher-Carl Bini-Gary Bird-Joshua Birnbaum-George Bishop-Jeffrey Bittner-Albert Blackman-Christopher Blackwell-Susan Blair-Harry Blanding-Janice Blaney-Craig Blass-Rita Blau-Richard Blood-Michael Boccardi -John Bocchi-Michael Bocchino-Susan Bochino-Bruce Boehm-Mary Boffa-Nicholas Bogdan-Darren Bohan-Lawrence Boisseau-Vincent Boland-Alan Bondarenko -Andre Bonheur-Colin Bonnett-Frank Bonomo-Yvonne Bonomo-Genieve Bonsignore -Seaon Booker-Sherry Bordeaux-Krystine Bordenabe-Martin Boryczewski-Richard Bosco-John Boulton-Francisco Bourdier-Thomas Bowden-Kimberly Bowers-Veronique Bowers-Larry Bowman-Shawn Bowman-Kevin Bowser-Gary Box-Gennady Boyarsky-Pamela Boyce-Michael Boyle-Alfred Braca-Kevin Bracken-David Brady-Alexander Braginsky-Nicholas Brandemarti-Michelle Bratton-Patrice Braut-Lydia Bravo-Ronald Breitweiser-Edward Brennan-Francis Brennan-Michael Brennan-Peter Brennan-Thomas Brennan-Daniel Brethel-Gary Bright-Jonathan Briley-Mark Brisman-Paul Bristow-Mark Broderick-Herman Broghammer-Keith Broomfield-Ethel Janice-Juloise Brown-Lloyd Brown-Patrick Brown-Bettina Browne-Mark Bruce-Richard Bruehert-Andrew Brunn-Vincent Brunton-Ronald Bucca-Brandon Buchanan-Gregory Buck-Dennis Buckley-Nancy Bueche-Patrick Buhse-John Bulaga-Stephen Bunin-Matthew Burke -Thomas Burke-William Burke-Donald Burns-Kathleen Burns-Keith Burns-John Burnside-Irina Buslo-Milton Bustillo-Thomas Butler-Patrick Byrne-Timothy Byrne-Jesus Cabezas-Lillian Caceres-Brian Cachia-Steven Cafiero-Richard Caggiano-Cecile Caguicla-Michael Cahill-Scott Cahill-Thomas Cahill-George Cain-Salvatore Calabro-Joseph Calandrillo-Philip Calcagno-Edward Calderon-Kenneth Caldwell-Dominick Calia-Felix Calixte-Frank Callahan-Liam Callahan-Luigi Calvi-Roko Camaj-Michael Cammarata-David Campbell-Geoffrey Campbell-Jill Campbell-Robert Campbell-Sandra Campbell-Sean Canavan-John Candela-Vincent Cangelosi-Stephen Cangialosi-Lisa Cannava-Brian Cannizzaro -Michael Canty-Louis Caporicci-Jonathan Cappello-James Cappers-Richard Caproni-Jose Cardona-Dennis Carey-Steve Carey-Edward Carlino-Michael Carlo-David Carlone -Rosemarie Carlson-Mark Carney-Joyce Carpeneto-Ivhan Bautista -Jeremy Carrington-Michael Carroll-Peter Carroll-James Carson-Marcia Carter-James Cartier-Vivian Casalduc-John Casazza-Paul Cascio-Margarito Casillas-Thomas Casoria-William Caspar-Alejandro Castano-Arcelia Castillo-Germaan Garcia-Leonard Castrianno-Jose Castro-Richard Catarelli-Christopher Caton-Robert Caufield-Mary Caulfield-Judson Cavalier-Michael Cawley-Jason Cayne-Juan Ceballos-Jason Cefalu-Thomas Celic-Ana Centeno-Joni Cesta-Jeffrey Chairnoff-Swarna Chalasani -William Chalcoff-Eli Chalouh-Charles Chan-Mandy Chang-MarkCharette-Gregorio Chavez-Delrose Cheatham-Pedro Checo-Douglas Cherry-Stephen Cherry-Vernon Cherry-Nester Chevalier-Swede Chevalier -Alexander Chiang-Dorothy Chiarchiaro-Luis Chimbo-Robert Chin-Wing Ching-Nicholas Chiofalo-John Chipura-Peter Chirchirillo-Catherine Chirls-Kung Cho-Abul Chowdhury-Mohammad Chowdhury-Kirsten Christophe-Pamela Chu-Steven Chucknick-Wai Chung-Christopher Ciafardini-Alex Ciccone-Frances Cilente-Elaine Cillo-Edna Cintron-Nestor Cintron-Robert Cirri-Juan Cisneros-Alvarez-Benjamin Clark-Eugene Clark-Gregory Clark-Mannie Clark-Thomas Clark-Christopher Clarke-Donna Clarke-Michael Clarke -Suria Clarke-Kevin Cleary-James Cleere -Geoffrey Cloud-Susan Clyne-Steven Coakley-Jeffrey Coale-Patricia Cody-Daniel Coffey-Jason Coffey-Florence Cohen-Kevin Cohen-Anthony Coladonato-Mark Colaio-Stephen Colaio-Christopher Colasanti-Kevin Colbert-Michel Colbert -Keith Coleman-Scott Coleman-Tarel Coleman-Liam Colhoun-Robert Colin-Robert Coll-Jean Collin-John Collins-Michael Collins-Thomas Collins-Joseph Collison-Patricia Colodner-Linda Colon-Sol Colon-Ronald Comer-Sandra Brace-Jaime Concepcion-Albert Conde-Denease Conley-Susan Conlon-Margaret Conner-Cynthia Connolly-John Connolly-James Connor-Jonathan Connors-Kevin Connors-Kevin Conroy-Jose Contreras-Fernandez-Brenda Conway-Dennis Cook-Helen Cook-John Cooper-Joseph Coppo-Gerard Coppola-Joseph Corbett-Alejandro Cordero-Robert Cordice-Ruben Correa-Danny Correa-Gutierrez-James Corrigan-Carlos Cortes-Kevin Cosgrove-Dolores Costa-Digna Costanza-Charles Costello-Michael Costello-Conrod Cottoy-Martin Coughlan-John Coughlin-Timothy Coughlin-James Cove-Andre Cox-Frederick Cox-James Coyle-Michele Coyle-Eulau-Anne Cramer-Christopher Cramer-Denise Crant-James Crawford-Robert Crawford-Joanne Cregan-Lucy Crifasi-John Crisci-Daniel Crisman-Dennis Cross-Kevin Crotty-Thomas Crotty-John Crowe-Welles Crowther-Robert Cruikshank-John Cruz -Grace Cua-Kenneth Cubas-FranciscoCubero-Richard Cudina-Neil Cudmore-Thomas Cullen-Joyce Cummings -Brian Cummins-Michael Cunningham-Robert Curatolo-Laurence Curia-Paul Curioli-Beverly Curry-Michael Curtin -Gavin Cushny-John D'Allara-Vincent D'Amadeo-Jack D'Ambrosi-Mary D'Antonio-Edward D'Atri-Michael D'Auria-Michael D'Esposito-Manuel Da Mota-Caleb Dack-Carlos DaCosta-Joao Alberto -DaFonseca Aguiar-Thomas Damaskinos-Jeannine Damiani-Jones-Patrick Danahy-Nana Danso-Vincent Danz-Dwight Darcy-Elizabeth Darling-Annette Dataram-Lawrence Davidson-Michael Davidson-Scott Davidson-Titus Davidson-Niurka Davila-Clinton Davis-Wayne Davis-Anthony Dawson-Calvin Dawson-Edward Day-Jayceryll de Chavez-Jennifer De Jesus-Monique De Jesus-Nereida De Jesus-Emerita De La Pena-Azucena de la Torre-David De Rubbio-Jemal De Santis -Christian De Simone-Melanie De Vere-William Dean-Robert DeAngelis-Thomas DeAngelis-Tara Debek-Anna DeBin-James Deblase-Paul DeCola-Simon Dedvukaj-Jason Defazio-David DeFeo-Manuel Del Valle-Donald Delapenha-Vito DeLeo-Danielle Delie-Joseph Pietra-Andrea DellaBella-Palmina DelliGatti-Colleen Delougher-Francis DeMartini-Anthony Demas-Martin DeMeo-Francis Deming-Carol Demitz-Kevin Dennis-Thomas Dennis-Jean DePalma-Jose Depena-Robert Deraney-Michael DeRienzo-Edward DeSimone-Andrew Desperito-Cindy Deuel-Jerry DeVito-Robert Devitt-Dennis Devlin-Gerard Dewan-Sulemanali Dhanani-Patricia Di Chiaro-Debra Di Martino-Michael Diagostino-Matthew Diaz-Nancy Diaz-Rafael Diaz-Michael Diaz-Piedra-Judith Diaz-Sierra-Joseph Dickey-Lawrence Dickinson-Michael Diehl-John Difato-Vincent Difazio-Carl DiFranco-Donald Difranco-Stephen Dimino-William Dimmling-Marisa Schorpp-Christophe Dincuff-Jeffrey Dingle-Anthony Dionisio-George DiPasquale-Joseph Dipilato-Douglas DiStefano-Ramzi Doany-John Doherty-Melissa Doi-Brendan Dolan-Neil Dollard-James Domanico -Benilda Domingo -Carlos Dominguez-Jerome Dominguez-Kevin Donnelly-Jacqueline Donovan-Stephen Dorf-Thomas Dowd-Kevin Dowdell-Mary Dowling-Raymond Downey-Frank Doyle-Joseph Doyle-Stephen Driscoll-Mirna Duarte-Michelle Duberry -Luke Dudek-Christopher Duffy -Gerard Duffy-Michael Duffy-Thomas Duffy -Antoinette Duger -Sareve Dukat-Christopher Dunne-Richard Dunstan-Patrick Dwyer-Joseph Eacobacci-John Eagleson-Robert Eaton-Dean Eberling-Margaret Echtermann-Paul Eckna-Constantine Economos-Dennis Edwards-Michael Edwards-Christine Egan-Lisa Egan-Martin Egan-Michael Egan-Samantha Egan-Carole Eggert-Lisa Ehrlich-John Eichler-Eric Eisenberg-Daphne Elder-Michael Elferis-Mark Ellis-Valerie Ellis-Albert Elmarry-Edgar Emery-Doris Eng-Christopher Epps-Ulf Ericson-Erwin Erker-William Erwin-Jose Espinal-Fanny Espinoza-Bridget Esposito-Francis Esposito -Michael Esposito -William Esposito -Ruben Esquilin-Sadie Ette-Barbara Etzold-Eric Evans-Robert Evans-Meredith Emily -June Ewart-Catherine Fagan-Patricia Fagan-Keith Fairben-Sandra Fajardo-Smith-William Fallon-William Fallon, Jr-Anthony Fallone-Dolores Fanelli-John Fanning-Kathleen Faragher-Thomas Farino-Nancy Farley-Elizabeth Farmer-Douglas Farnum-John Farrell-John Farrell, Jr-Terrence Farrell-Joseph Farrelly-Thomas Farrelly-Syed Fatha-Christopher Faughnan-Wendy Faulkner-Shannon Fava-Bernard Favuzza-Robert Fazio-Ronald Fazio-William Feehan-Francis Feely-Garth Feeney-Sean Fegan-Lee Fehling-Peter Feidelberg-Alan Feinberg-Rosa Feliciano-Edward Fergus-George Ferguson-Henry Fernandez-Judy Fernandez-Julio Fernandez-Elisa Ferraina-Anne Ferreira-Robert Ferris-David Ferrugio-Louis Fersini-Michael Ferugio-Bradley Fetchet-Jennifer Fialko-Kristen Fiedel-Samuel Fields-Michael Finnegan-Timothy Finnerty-Michael Fiore-Stephen Fiorelli-Paul Fiori-John Fiorito-John Fischer-Andrew Fisher-Bennett Fisher-John Fisher-Thomas Fisher-Lucy Fishman-Ryan Fitzgerald-Thomas Fitzpatrick-Richard Fitzsimons-Salvatore Fiumefreddo-Christina Flannery-Eileen Flecha-Andre Fletcher-Carl Flickinger-John Florio-Joseph Flounders-David Fodor-Michael Fodor-Stephen Fogel-Thomas Foley-David Fontana-Chih Foo-Godwin Forde-Donald Foreman-Christopher Forsythe-Claudia Foster-Noel Foster-Ana Fosteris-Robert Foti-Jeffrey Fox-Virginia Fox-Pauline Francis-Virgin Francis-Gary Frank-Morton Frank-Peter Frank-Richard Fraser-Kevin Frawley-Clyde Frazier -Lillian Frederick-Andrew Fredricks-Tamitha Freeman-Brett Freiman-Peter Freund-Arlene Fried -Alan Friedlander-Andrew Friedman-Gregg Froehner-Peter Fry-Clement Fumando-Steven Furman-Paul Furmato-Fredric Gabler-Richard Gabrielle-James Gadiel-Pamela Gaff -Ervin Gailliard-Deanna Galante-Grace Galante-Anthony Gallagher-Daniel Gallagher-John Gallagher-Lourdes Galletti-Cono Gallo-Vincenzo Gallucci-Thomas Galvin-Giovanna Gambale-Thomas Gambino-Giann Gamboa-Peter Ganci-Ladkat Ganesh-Claude Gann-Osseni Garba-Charles Garbarini-Ceasar Garcia-David Garcia-Juan Garcia-Marlyn Garcia-Christopher Gardner-Douglas Gardner-Harvey Gardner-Jeffrey Gardner-Thomas Gardner-William Gardner-Francesco Garfi-Rocco Gargano-James Gartenberg-Matthew Garvey-Bruce Gary-Boyd Gatton-Donald Gavagan-Terence Gazzani-Gary Geidel-Paul Geier-Julie Geis-Peter Gelinas-Steven Geller-Howard Gelling-Peter Genco-Steven Genovese-Alayne Gentul-Edward Geraghty-Suzanne Geraty-Ralph Gerhardt-Robert Gerlich-Denis Germain-Marina Gertsberg-Susan Getzendanner-James Geyer-Joseph Giaccone-Vincent Giammona-Debra Gibbon-James Giberson-Craig Gibson-Ronnie Gies-Laura Giglio-Andrew Gilbert-Timothy Gilbert-Paul Gilbey-Paul Gill-Mark Gilles-Evan Gillette-Ronald Gilligan-Rodney Gillis-Laura Gilly-John Ginley-Donna Giordano-Jeffrey Giordano-John Giordano-Steven Giorgetti-Martin Giovinazzo-Kum-Kum Girolamo-Salvatore Gitto-Cynthia Giugliano-Mon Gjonbalaj-Dianne Gladstone-Keith Glascoe-Thomas Glasser-Harry Glenn-Barry Glick-Steven Glick-John Gnazzo-William Godshalk-Michael Gogliormella-Brian Goldberg-Jeffrey Goldflam-Michelle Goldstein-Monica Goldstein-Steven Goldstein -Andrew Golkin -Dennis Gomes-Enrique Gomez-Jose Gomez-Manuel Gomez-Wilder Gomez-Jenine Gonzalez-Mauricio Gonzalez-Rosa Gonzalez-Calvin Gooding-Harry Goody-Kiran Gopu-Catherine Gorayeb-Kerene Gordon-Sebastian Gorki-Kieran Gorman-Thomas Gorman-Michael Gould-Yuji Goya-Jon Grabowski-Christopher Grady-Edwin Graf -David Graifman-Gilbert Granados-Elvira Granitto-Winston Grant-Christopher Gray-James Gray-Tara Gray-Linda Grayling-John Grazioso-Timothy Grazioso -Derrick Green-Wade Green-Elaine Greenberg-Gayle greene-James Greenleaf-Eileen Greenstein -Elizabeth Gregg-Denise Gregory-Donald Gregory-Florence Gregory-Pedro Grehan -John Griffin-Tawanna Griffin-Joan Griffith-Warren Grifka-Ramon Grijalvo-Joseph Grillo-David Grimner-Kenneth Grouzalis-Joseph Grzelak-Matthew Grzymalski-Robert Gschaar-Liming Gu-Jose Guadalupe-Cindy Guan-Joel Gonzalez-Geoffrey Guja-Joseph Gullickson-Babita Guman-Douglas Gurian-Janet Gustafson-Philip Guza-Barbara Guzzardo-Peter Gyulavary-Gary Haag-Andrea Haberman-Barbara Habib-Philip Haentzler-Nezam Hafiz-Karen Hagerty-Steven Hagis-Mary Hague-David Halderman-Maile Hale-Richard Hall-Vaswald Hall-Robert Halligan-Vincent Halloran-James Halvorson-Mohammad Hamdani-Felicia Hamilton-Robert Hamilton-Frederic Han-Christopher Hanley-Sean Hanley-Valerie Hanna-Thomas Hannafin-Kevin Hannaford-Michael Hannan-Dana Hannon-Vassilios Haramis-James Haran-Jeffrey Hardy-Timothy Hargrave-Daniel Harlin-Frances Haros-Harvey Harrell-Stephen Harrell-Melissa Harrington-Aisha Harris-Stewart Harris-John Hart -John Hartz-Emeric Harvey-Thomas Haskell-Timothy Haskell-Joseph Hasson-Leonard Hatton-Terence Hatton-Michael Haub-Timothy Haviland-Donald Havlish-Anthony Hawkins -Nobuhiro Hayatsu-Philip Hayes-William Haynes-Scott Hazelcorn-Michael Healey-Roberta Heber-Charles Heeran-John Heffernan-Joseph Heller-Joann Heltibridle-Mark Hemschoot-Ronnie Henderson-Brian Hennessey -Michelle Henrique-Joseph Henry-William Henry-John Henwood-Robert Hepburn-Mary Herencia-Lindsay Herkness-Harvey Hermer-Claribel Hernandez-Eduardo Hernandez-Nuberto Hernandez-Raul Hernandez-Gary Herold-Jeffrey Hersch -Thomas Hetzel-Brian Hickey-Ysidro Hidalgo-Timothy Higgins-Robert Higley-Todd Hill-Clara Hinds-Neal Hinds-Mark Hindy-Katsuyuki Hirai-Heather Ho-Tara Hobbs-Thomas Hobbs-James Hobin-Robert Hobson-DaJuan Hodges-Ronald Hoerner-Patrick Hoey-Marcia Hoffman-Stephen Hoffman-Frederick Hoffmann-Michele Hoffmann-Judith Hofmiller-Thomas Hohlweck-Jonathan Hohmann-John Holland-Joseph Holland-Elizabeth Holmes-Thomas Holohan -Bradley Hoorn-James Hopper-Montgomery Hord-Michael Horn-Matthew Horning -Robert Horohoe-Aaron Horwitz-Charles Houston-Uhuru Houston-George Howard-Michael Howell-Steven Howell-Jennifer Howley-Milagros Hromada-Marian Hrycak -Stephen Huczko-Kris Hughes-Paul Hughes-Robert Hughes-Thomas Hughes-Timothy Hughes-Susan Huie-Lamar Hulse-William Hunt-Kathleen Hunt-Casey-Joseph Hunter-Robert Hussa-Abid Hussain-Thomas Hynes-Walter Hynes-Joseph Ianelli-Zuhtu Ibis-Jonathan Ielpi-Michael Iken-Daniel Ilkanayev-Frederick Ill-Abraham Ilowitz-Anthony Infante-Louis Inghilterra-Christopher Ingrassia-Paul Innella-Stephanie Irby-Douglas Irgang-Kristin Irvine-Todd Isaac-Erik Isbrandtsen-Taizo Ishikawa-Aram Iskenderian-John Iskyan-Kazushige Ito-Aleksandr Ivantsov-Virginia Jablonski-Brooke Jackman-Aaron Jacobs-Ariel Jacobs-Jason Jacobs-Michael 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NICIAW - Bipolar II and PTSD

Emily writes:

1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar II and PTSD

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2002 (and PTSD again dx in 2006 after knee injury)

3. But I had symptoms since: 1985ish

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Unsure of how to respond to this

5. Most people assume: I'm normal, until they see it on paper, then assume I'm insane and should be locked away

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Waking up

7. My favorite medical TV show is: (used to be) ER

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: vibrator (yep--no men in this girl's life! ha ha) and Android phone

9. The hardest part about nights are: shutting off my mind to go to sleep

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 4 RX and 2 OTC

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have VERY recently started to do chiropractic and massage therapy (big hurdle letting people touch me!!)

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible: The general public seems to be okay with broken limbs, but not broken hearts or minds.

13. Regarding working and career: I get through

14. People would be surprised to know: They know pretty much all of it -- I have AMAZING coworkers and a great support system Monday-Friday!

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: It's not new, been dealing for quite a while

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: go into public without panic attacks

17. The commercials about my illness: ARE there commercials!?

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: n/a

19. It was really hard to have to give up: NOT trusting people (I'm working on it!)

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: being more social... not so much a "hobby" per say, but trying to get out and do more things in general

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Pee my pants with excitement

22. My illness has taught me: how to be stronger and that I am more of a fighter than I ever thought I was

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: oh there are too many to list!

24. But I love it when people: Go out of their way to help others, big or small

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Never been in that position

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how close-minded SO many people are

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: my sister got me groceries so I didn't have to go out and deal with the world

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Jenn asked me to be

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: a little less alone

NICIAW - Pyoderma Gangrenosum

Jay wrote:

1. The illness I live with is:
Pyoderma Gangrenosum - you can't see it under the dressings I wear

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
2012

3. But I had symptoms since:
2010

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:
Having periods of extreme inactivity in order to let lesions heal

5. Most people assume:
That the wounds are self inflicted, and/or that they hurt only as much as they look like they hurt.  They don't know the agony.  They also assume that traditional wound care is the best approach, when it really is not.

6. The hardest part about mornings are:
When a new lesion is forming and it has adhered to the dressing overnight, while the pain relievers have all worn off, and I have to not only unstick it but redress it before I can do simple things like walk around the house to prepare for my day.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
I'm a House fan - I like dark humor.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
It's a toss up between Vaseline gauze and Duoderm - without either, I've got nothing I can use to put dressings on my wounds.

9. The hardest part about nights are:
The pain seems to creep in even more at night, probably for lack of distraction.  Laying awake from pain while so tired that tears are flowing gets old, fast.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)
2 pain meds, and 5 other prescriptions

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:
Have only found alternative methods of advancing my condition; at this point, having found a system that works as well as medically expected, I am not interested in other options to try.  I am allergic to most dressings as well as many substances one might ingest. 

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:
Invisible.  I prefer not to be the center of attention.

13. Regarding working and career:
The various things I have fought in the last several years have killed my career.  I work as a Martial Arts instructor part time, and the P.G. makes that occasionally nightmarish painful.

14. People would be surprised to know:
That I complain less and use less pain medication than is expected of someone in my condition.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:
That I can't just fix it, that I can't prevent it, and I can't really do anything about it once it flares up.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:
Keep my leg - doctors were talking about amputation prior to diagnosis.

17. The commercials about my illness:
Don't exist.  It's a gruesome, painful illness but is thankfully pretty rare.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
Taking a long, hot bath.  I haven't had the chance since due to the constant lesions on my legs.

19. It was really hard to have to give up:
The long hot baths that I used to enjoy every night.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:
Wood working in earnest.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:
Remember that hot bath idea?

22. My illness has taught me:
That people are quick to judge and slow to show empathy when they can't understand or explain something that is going on.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:
"That looks absolutely disgusting."  Also, when they say "that doesn't look bad at all."

24. But I love it when people:
Just treat me like the regular person I am.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:
If a dressing seems not to be working - do something else.  And don't let anybody perform a debridement on your wound, it will only make things worse.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
How little support is actually available for someone in my situation.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Went and refilled my pain medicine prescription, then came back and made me dinner to eat with the pills.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
It's important to raise awareness even of less common illnesses.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Like I had a chance to be heard.

It Makes Me Ache For Heaven

A lot of the time, I'm really genuinely grateful for my earthly life.  I like it.  It's beautiful.  Some times, my attitude isn't so good.  Always, I know that my life is a gift - as is every life. 

And some lives.... some lives have touched me in a way that makes me ache for heaven.  In a way that changes my decisions because I think, "No, I have to make it.  I have to see this person again."  I know my motivation for following God is supposed to not just be about what I'll get out of it, but if I am being genuinely honest... sometimes, it is.  Sometimes all I have left is what I know will happen when I get where I'm going.

And seeing Jim... means more to me than I'd have ever imagined it would.  It's a big, important deal.  Just having the hope of seeing him again, is enough to change my actions sometimes.  He's not the only person I miss... but today, he is the one I miss the most. 

It's been a year.  It feels like forever has passed and it feels as fresh as if it was yesterday.

Tonight I pause to remember not one of the Better Men, but one of the Best Men.

NICIAW - Year Two!

I am reposting this because I've received several entries already, but I don't want folks to forget - there are still two weeks left. Thank you all so much.  Even if you already submitted something last year, feel free to do so again this year.  You deserve to be heard.

Please visit This Link to learn more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Week.

Thousands, millions even, of people suffer with invisible illness. As months, weeks, and years go by, we learn to stay silent, to quit complaining, to "toughen up." We learn to not ask for support or help. We get tired of being a burden. Sometimes, we find ourselves dreading the next person who says "But you look just fine." This year, from September 10th - 16th, I will be publishing as many stories as are submitted to me. You can follow this checklist, or you can write it in any other format you choose. But try to view it as an opportunity to show the world what it is like to be you. It's important to me this year, to give my readers a voice. You can email me at kyukidojen@hotmail.com and I will gladly post on your behalf. Please include what you want me to call you in the post dedicated to you, and as well as you can, answer the following questions. It is time to see just how NOT alone we really are.

1. The illness I live with is:

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:

3. But I had symptoms since:

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:

5. Most people assume:

6. The hardest part about mornings are:

7. My favorite medical TV show is:

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:

9. The hardest part about nights are:

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:

13. Regarding working and career:

14. People would be surprised to know:

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:

17. The commercials about my illness:

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:

19. It was really hard to have to give up:

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:

22. My illness has taught me:

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:

24. But I love it when people:

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:

I am NOT sorry...

So, I hear it all the time.  "I'm sorry, but..." "... I disagree."  "... I don't want to."  Blah blah blah.  I'm sorry but... it is a phrase I have come to truly loathe.

It isn't used as a positive phrase the majority of the time (i.e., I am sorry to have to say this, but your test result came back badly.").  It's just used as an excuse to say things we would not dare say without some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. 

"I'm sorry but your hair looks really bad."

"I'm sorry, but that's what I want and so that's what I will do."

But the one usage that gets me going... that torques me off and makes me want to scream is this... "I'm sorry, but that's just what I believe."

We need to stand up for our beliefs, not hide behind insincere apologies for them.  I believe in God, Creator God who created all that is and was and will ever be.  I believe His son came to earth in human form, while somehow retaining his God-hood (is that a word?)  I believe he lived a truly sinless life, and was crucified one day when he was about 33 years old.  He didn't stay dead though - three days later He rose and ascended and is seated at the right hand of God the father.  I believe that that sacrifice is what earns me a place in heaven.  I have given my heart and soul to Him,and I believe it is all real.

And I'm not sorry.  I'm not sorry I believe it, not sorry I said it.  I'm not sorry if it offends you and I'm not sorry if you disagree. 

It's Supposed To Hurt

I burned my finger recently.  Was putting in a baking sheet with supper on top, and the front of my finger hit the oven rack.  I heard it go "psssttt" before I felt my hand jerking back (luckily, without the baking sheet full of food).  It's a tiny burn - from my fingernail down to the knuckle, just under half an inch.  And it's just on one finger.

And you know what?  It hurts.  It's distracting.  It makes me feel generally uncomfortable, even though it's just a tiny injury.

That's how our conscience should be.  When we blurt out a bad word, it should sting like this.  It should distract us and bother us.  When we fudge the truth just a little, it should burn.

But our consciences are like my dad's hands.

He is a mechanic (a gifted one, at that), and does a lot of welding and other things that burn his hands.  He doesn't even feel them anymore.  He can have big, angry blisters and not have even noticed they were there until I ask what they are from.  Sometimes, even after he thinks about it, he can't remember. 

We get that way.  We get so used to our little transgressions that we fail to feel the sting. 

The problem with that isn't the absence of pain.  The problem is, when our conscience hurts, we turn to God.  We pray, we repent, we resolve to change for the better.  When that happens, the result is good.  But when we get so accustomed to the little pains, we don't bother turning to him - because we aren't even really aware that anything is wrong at all.

Psalm 139:23-24
God, examine me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any bad thing in me.  Lead me on the road to everlasting life.

We have hope though.  No matter how seared our consciences are, God can still search us and show us what we need to see.  The question is, are you (and am I) brave enough to do that?

Your Walk Talks

Growing up, I had an outstanding youth group leader, Mr. Jay.  He had this way about him... we played games and went hiking and had adventures, and we also would sit in the study at the church and discuss the really deep issues in life.  He took a group of kids who would never have been a group by choice, and knitted us together into something beautiful.

One of the things he used to say was this:

"Your walk talks, and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks."

In other words... yeah, what you say matters.  It gets through to people.  But not to nearly the degree that what you DO gets through.

I was laying on the couch this afternoon thinking, and that's what kept coming back to mind.  I know for me personally, my walk and my talk don't always line up.  I send mixed messages, even though I'd rather not. 

What areas of your life do you need to examine and sort out?  What things do you need to answer once and for all, so that your walk and your talk are saying the same thing?  Just one little phrase that stuck in my head (and I'd bet lots of other teenagers heard him say it and let it stick in their heads too), that gets to me every time I let it.

Prayer Request

My daddy cut his finger today, really badly.  He cut almost entirely through his extensor tendon.  He's waiting now to see the doctor for titches and surgical evaluation - not sure yet if he'll be able to just get stitched up or if he's going to need surgery to repair thing.

**update**

Dad's home from the clinic with plenty of stitches in.  He's not in a splint or cast right now; enough of the tendon is intact to not need that.  He's nervous about possible infection or lingering pain, so if you could pry specifically about that, I'd appreciate it a lot.

***update again***

Dad's finger is feeling plenty stiff but otherwise is okay.  He's not liking having to be careful not to muck up the sutures, but that's just expected and par for the course.  He is healing well.  Thank you for praying everyone.

Exercise Regimens, Cancer and You

For the first time, I have chosen to allow a guest post.  What he says, I agree with very much.  I think his message is important and unlike other requests I've had for guest posting, I feel that this one is worth passing on to my readers.

Exercise Regimens, Cancer and You

Guest Post by David Haas

Cancer can bring your life to a screeching halt, but you’ll find that as you go through treatment and as each day comes closer to normal, you still need to move forward. One way to normalize each day after a cancer diagnosis is through exercise. The National Cancer Institute states that exercise has an enormous positive benefit on both cancer treatment and cancer risk reduction. However, if you have never exercised before it can be hard to get into it.

If you are worried about getting started with exercise, remember that you do not have to do it alone. You will find that there are likely family members and friends who are wiling to help you, but if you want good concrete information, take it to a gym and talk to a professional trainer. At the very least, the gym will help you learn how to use all the different equipment. A lack of knowledge in this area is very common with adults, and when you are nervous about using the equipment for the first time, remember that everyone had to start from somewhere!

Remember that you do not need to stick with one exercise if you find that it is boring, dull or painful. As a matter of fact, the old saying of “no pain, no gain” is completely wrong. Good exercise leaves you feeling sore and pleasantly tired. Exercise taken too far leads to pain and fatigue. If you are pushing your body too hard, you’ll find that you won’t be able to exercise the next day. This is something that can make a huge difference in how well you do in the future, so remember to take it easy, especially if you are nervous about getting started.

Once you have started, stay started! Anyone can do a few strenuous exercises over the space of a few days, but it takes a great deal more effort to keep at it for a regular stretch of time. Make a schedule and stick to it. Remember that just by exercising three or four times a week, you can make a huge difference in your physique and well-being.

Whether you are dealing with breast cancer, testicular cancer or mesothelioma, you’ll find that exercise can improve your general health and rate for success. At the very least, exercise can improve your mood. Exercise releases endorphins into your body, and it allows you to clear out the stress that you may be experiencing. Take a few moments to consider what your options are and what kind of exercise is most likely to suit you.

Exercise can be fun. Don’t let a lack of experience and depression stop you. Consider the link between cancer and fitness and use what you know to spur you forward.

What I Am Proudest Of

This is what I am proudest of.  Out of every thing God has given me the ability to do, everything I have accomplished, every drop of sweat and blood and every tear, nothing has meant as much to me as this. 

When I was twelve, I was just a scrawny, insecure, abused little girl with no hope and no concept of "future."  All I had was the present, and the present was nothing I wanted.  But one afternoon, my dad came home from his new job and handed me a newsletter put out by a local hospital.  He said "read the class list - see if there is anything in there that you would like to do together."  My eyes landed on "Karate for adults and children aged eight and up.  Maximum 25 students."  Dad and I made 23.  All of us white belts, with one lone black belt as the instructor.  That man became first an instructor and then a mentor and then my doctor and then my friend, as years passed.  And it turned out not to be Karate - it was Tae Kwan Do, but with some Judo and Hapkido mixed in. 

At our school, earning a black belt is no easy feat.  It takes years, and it takes everything you have to give - and then more.  At age twelve, I saw that and suddenly, I had something in my future.  Something I wanted - needed even.  Something that I could do. I knew I could.  It literally changed everything about who I was.  Not dramatically, especially at first.  But a subtle shift from hopeless to hopeful, from lost to found, from broken to healed. 

There has not been a day since, that I have questioned whether God used martial arts to save my life.  He did.  He still is. 

And that is why this is what I am proudest of.

P.G. With No Baby

I've been told  many, many times that "whatever is wrong is self inflicted" in reference to my leg.  And I've been assured that it definitely couldn't hurt as much as I say it hurts.  I've been told I'm not sick, that there's no physical reason for the symptoms I battle daily.

But recently, that's all changed.  My doc believes in me and has fought to help me heal, and has endured the highs and lows as my leg gets better and worse unpredictably.  And finally, there's a word for what I am fighting.  Two words, actually.  Pyoderma gangrenosum.  Look it up if you want, but be warned that most articles include graphic and rather unappealing pictures.  Basically, it means my body attacks itself from the inside out (so in that regard, I suppose you could call it self-inflicted).  It favors previously damaged skin, but I have no control over when or where or how badly it will do so.  When it flares, my skin first turns red, then warm and spongy, then blisters, then peels and rapidly erodes  until I have ulcers muscle-deep and usually bigger than a silver dollar.  It is excruciatingly painful - far more so than it should be given the wounds themselves.  It has coupled with a disturbing lack of immune response to allow infection after infection to form, for which I am almost daily at the clinic receiving treatment. 

Now, that said, I'm not trying to whine.  I honestly have a beautiful life, made that way by a faithful God.  It's just that people often wonder what it is that is actually wrong with me - what keeps me so sick so much of the time.  And this is certainly not the only problem, but it is a big one.  One I'll overcome.  And when I do, God will get the glory because it will be by His grace.

Lisa Snot

As kids, we learn language by listening.  We repeat what we hear - exactly as we hear it.  Trouble is, sometimes our brains will twist around what really goes in, to match what we have previously heard.  The results, I think, can be hilarious.

For example, when I was in second grade, we were asked to write about a person we would like to meet some day.  Any person in the world.  I chose José Canoosey.  You know, the guy at the beginning of the national anthem?  I wanted to find out why it mattered what he did in the morning, by the dawn's early light.

A friend of mine for years believed that things were "nuke-warm."  His logic?  When we nuke stuff, we don't always do it long enough so it comes out just kinda not warm and not cold.  We were in high school before I finally convinced him that most of the world referred to that state of being as LUKE warm.  Which made him ask, "Who's Luke?"  Good question, friend.  Good question.

Another friend recently shared that growing up in church, she found herself wondering every service who Lisa Snot was, and why Lisa Snot went into temptation. 

A child in my class has been memorizing definitions of the various forms he does.  One such definition refers back to the Silla Dynasty (Korea).  But in his head, he has always heard and therefore believed we were referring to the SillY Dynasty.  And he wanted to know who or what made that dynasty so silly, and why we were disrespectful of it by calling it that.

So.  Tell me about the things you or your friends or children you know have heard and said, only to later find out you were just a little off the mark.

Where Honor Lives

July 4th, in our nation, is a special day.

We celebrate freedom.  Families gather, we eat food that tastes yummy but probably isn't so good for us, we spend time laughing and running barefoot through the yard.  Together.  Then we gather to watch various substances that have been crammed into little vessels get flung into the air where they explode in bursts of color and light.

And it's all very nice.

But it's not what is inside me on this day.  Today I don't think about exuberant displays of freedom.  I don't think about living in a country that has so many little "perks" that we are forced to complain about the little stuff because the "big stuff" just isn't a present problem here. 

I think about honor.

In my head, I think about Independence Day when I was maybe ten or twelve.  My best friend and I were with my grandparents on their boat, watching the fireworks display surrounded by other boats as we floated in the Mississippi.  The light and sound from the fireworks was bouncing off the bluffs that surrounded us.  It was loud and bright and you could feel the energy in the air.  Excitement and exhilaration.

I looked down from my perch, with my legs dangling high above the water and my arms resting on the rail around the roof of the boat.  There was a small bass boat tied to our boat - nobody we knew.  But for the first time in the hours we'd spent so close together, I looked at them.  A young boy - maybe five years old.  His little life jacket stood out against the dark floor of the boat where he sat, leaning on the legs of an older man.  He was probably seventy, maybe more.  He wore a navy blue shirt and his gray hair was thinning.  His face had "the look" - you know, the expression that says "I love my life, I love who I am with, and this moment is beautiful" at the same time it says "I have seen and heard and lived through things most of the world can't even imagine.  I have seen the darkest parts of the world."  And I could see in his eyes, that the darkness he had seen was what let him really appreciate the light around him now.

Usually, after the pyrotechnics are completed, it is a rush to get every boat started and compete to be the first to leave that stretch of river.  But before that rush starts, there is always about two minutes of silence, where people are waiting to see if it is really over.  And that night, the silence was pierced after about thirty seconds.  Somewhere in the darkness, on a boat or perhaps standing somewhere on shore, two people had and played bagpipes.  The familiar sound of our national anthem was almost haunting as it rolled and echoed across the water.  Most people silently stayed where they were; unsure whether they should respond or not.  But the old man in the boat next to ours?  He stood tall and straight, his hand raised in a sharp solute, eyes fixed on the flag displayed on the front of our boat.  In that moment, I saw honor alive and well in him.  But it doesn't end there.  The small boy was almost asleep in the bottom of the boat.  He watched the man stand, watched him solute, and struggled to his feet.  He did his best to emulate the man he clearly admired; feet together, knobby little-boy knees straight, shoulders back, and his best attempt at a solute. 

As the anthem faded away, some people started to move.  And then slowly, softly, the first strains of Amazing Grace floated through the darkness.  The man continued staring at our flag as tears rolled down his face.  The young boy looked up at him, and then took his hand.

"Gwampah, I wuv you.  I wepect you.  Fank you for pwotecting us.  I wemembew.  And I wemembew yoah fwends too.  I won't evah fowget."

And that, my friends, is where honor lives.  In the heart of the child who saw, recognized, and embraced that which was worth honoring.

Yesterday was Father's Day.

Usually, on Father's Day, I write something for my husband.  Something to the effect of "You're the one I love and you have children who live in heaven and you're still a daddy."

And that's all true.

But this year, I'm doing something a little different.

I left yesterday noticeably not mentioned.  Because the truth is, it doesn't matter what words I use.  It doesn't matter how heartfelt or true or poignant they are.  Nothing I can say is going to change the fact that when my husband walks in the door after work, there are no tiny feet or sticky fingers or shining eyes to greet him.  There aren't any words that can fill that void in his heart and in his life.  And there isn't anything I can do to change that.

It is hard to know where the balance is.  When does "living life anyway" become "denial of reality?"  How do you know if it's "healthy grief" or "abnormal fixation?" 

What do you say when you love someone and you are literally willing to offer up your body in an effort to make his dream come true?  How do I show him how much I really would fight to change this, when no amount of fighting actually will change anything at all?

And what should a person say when words seem only to muddy the waters? 

Is saying "Happy Father's Day" really the best thing for my husband?

I have thought about it a lot this year.  Mother's Day came and went.  I was told "Happy Mother's Day" and I spent time thinking about Annaliah and when my husband gave me the beautiful card he got me, I was touched.  But I haven't looked at the card since; because it hurts.  And I know for him, it hurts when something reminds him.

So rather than trying to use words to put a band aid on the hole in his heart that was made the day our daughter stepped into eternity, I am just saying this:

"I love you.  I am in this with you.  And we'll see her soon."

And I am reminding him of the one thing that He has spoken softly, many times:
Be still and know, that He is God.

What If?

It seems like the longer I live, the more chances I get to ask myself "What if?"

What if June 1, 2006 had gone differently?  What if that ultrasound had shown a healthy, living fourteen week baby?  What if my deep-rooted fear and sinking feeling had been unfounded?

I'd have a child now; she'd be about five and a half.  I'd be thanking God for the time with her and mourning how quickly it had passed.  And she'd have had five and a half years of experiences to shape her into who she is. 

Instead, my baby went to heaven before I got to meet her.  Instead, my husband and I saw that still, silent ultrasound and spent the next day begging and praying and trying to hope that things weren't as they seemed.  Instead, we chose her name with tears and longing.  Instead, we watched her due date come and go and our arms stayed achingly empty.

What if on January 31, 2007 I had let my Gramma stay at my house to take care of me after my knee surgery?  What if she had not been in the van during that crash?  What if the van hadn't been there?  What if the driver of that milk truck hadn't chosen to use his cell phone?  What if the road crews had done a better job of spreading salt on that particular stretch?

Would that mean that today, I'd be able to ask my Gramma how to love my dying friend?  Would it mean that I'd have someone to give me the push I need to love without reservation?  Would it mean I'd have fewer nights filled with empty, silent tears?  Would my heart hurt a little less?

What if I had chosen to ignore the growing attachment and attraction I felt toward Derek nine years ago?

I'd have loved and perhaps married someone else.  And I'd have missed out on so much.  I'd have missed the laughter and the joy and the tender moments.  I'd have missed the frustration and fear and uncertainty.  I'd never have stood in disbelief as I watched my new relatives dance in a circle to weird Greek music.  I wouldn't have found myself having to choose between what I wanted and what was right as I responded to certain situations.  I wouldn't be laying on the couch with my leg in the air, knowing that tonight my husband will come home and I will be proud of how well he did today as he works a job that he is not "naturally gifted" to do.

What if in September of 1999, the person visiting me in the hospital had simply said "That is sad and I am sorry" when I told him I had to find a new home?  What if his wife had said she didn't want to start again with yet another teenager?  What if my dad hadn't been agreeable?  What if the doctors had said no?

I wouldn't have learned to love.  I wouldn't have learned to laugh, or to trust, or to be honest.  I wouldn't have experienced unconditional acceptance into a family that loved me just because they wanted to.  I wouldn't have had the foundation I needed to go out into the world and build a life.  And truthfully, I probably wouldn't have survived.

What if my childhood had been easier?  What if I'd never been betrayed, abandoned, or abused?  What if I hadn't survived things that are almost unspeakable?

I would have been closer to "normal."  I wouldn't have been living with PTSD for as long as I can remember.  I would have had less fear, less anger, less pain.  I wouldn't have had to be as strong or as brave.  I wouldn't have learned to lie about everything.  I could have "just been me."  But I wouldn't have had a reason to develop the compassion I have today.  I wouldn't have such a personal motivation to drive so much of what I do.  I wouldn't know how profoundly forgiveness changes a person.  I would never have seen the amazing transformation that happens when someone literally turns from evil and surrenders to Christ.  I probably wouldn't be as accepting of others and I am certain that I'd have less wisdom, less strength, and less hope. 

I could go on, and on, and on.  Because there are hundreds, no, thousands, of "what ifs" in my life.  In every life.  There are so many things that change the course of our lives from that moment on.  Sometimes, we get the better option.  Sometimes, we don't.  Always, we can choose to look back and ask "What if?"  Sometimes, doing so can help us.  It can give us insight, it can give us wisdom, help us make better choices in the future.  It can give us a chance to be grateful and an opportunity to embrace peace and acceptance.  But it can also hurt us.  It can make us regret things we cannot change.  It can make us grieve, it can make us angry and uncertain and afraid.  We can look back and feel slighted and compel us to make decisions that are hurtful to us now.

I have one final "what if" that I would like to ask.  One question that I think we all need to answer for ourselves, in our own hearts and minds.  One thing that needs to be settled permanently within each of us.

What if I choose to look back at my life from time to time, and ask myself how things could have been different, and then I take that perspective and use it to answer the 'what ifs' that face me every day, so that I can face tomorrow without regret?

Leg Time

1st Peter 2:24:
Who His own self [meaning Christ] bore our sins in His own body on the cross, so that we, being dead to sin, should live righteously:  By His stripes you were healed.

Healed.  It is with joy and excitement and hope and thanksgiving that I speak that word.  Healed.

For years, I attacked my own body.  I kept it hidden from most of the world, but not from the doctors who worked so hard to help me heal from those attacks.  I received compassionate, skilled medical care; many who admit to self injury are not so fortunate.

But medicine and time can only heal so much.

My right leg has been hurt quite badly, many times.  A few years back, it caught up to me.  Requiring yet another set of sutures landed me in the hospital.  Hospitals are good places to go if you are sick.  Hospitals are also good places to go if one wishes to be exposed to a plethora of hurtful bacteria.  My leg got infected, and for the first time in my life, the medical care I received was sub-par.  It festered and deteriorated for months before I had the first of too many emergency procedures.  At that time, it was found that the years of injury had caused significant vascular impairment.  In other words, you can only wreck so many arteries (big and small) before your foot simply doesn't get enough blood.  Because of the circulation problems and the effects of stress on my immune system and the unfortunate combination of resistant bacteria, it has been a rocky road since then.  I have spent more days either in a walking boot or on crutches, than I have spent walking normally.  I've got very limited sensation.  Lasting muscle weakness.  Pain, all the time.  And when stuff happens - little stuff, like a scuff on my heal from the stairs or a scratch from one of the cats - it doesn't heal like it should.  It can't. 

Last fall, things cascaded downhill really quickly. 

I am proud to say, though, that I have not done anything to deliberately harm myself in any way since the beginning of 2010.  I've been taking care of my body; seeing it as a gift from God.  It has been a fight.  A difficult, frustrating fight that has been worth it every second of the way. 

But it is in my medical record that I used to hurt myself, deliberately.  Every time a professional has entered the picture to try to help with my leg, it has been assumed b y them that I am still doing things to hurt myself.  It's led to ineffective and unprofessional treatment.

I am now three months into a process of trying to heal the ulcers that broke through the surface of my skin graft and proceeded to worsen and deepen for weeks as wound care specialists treated me for infection.  Infection that isn't present.  And it has been three and a half weeks of daily (yes, every day) appointments with my family doctor.  Three and a half weeks of finally having someone acknowledge that this is not something within my control, and it is not something I have caused.  Three and a half weeks of compassion and the best medical care that my doctor and the nurses working with him can provide. 
And healing is happening.  All the fancy solutions and ointments have been abandoned in favor of simplicity.  Pain relief has been not only provided but encouraged.  Nobody is wasting time trying to place blame.  And the wound that physically should not be able to do so, is healing.  Rapidly and well.  Skin is growing where skin can't grow.  I am completely without signs of systemic infection, and there is also no evidence of bacterial colonization.  Some of the defects that were present even after reconstruction and grafting surgeries have been filled in with healthy tissue.

It is nothing short of amazing.  Even miraculous.

And instead of a future full of continuous appointments and frustration and pain, there is an end in sight.  The day is not so far off when I will be able to leave the clinic and know that I don't have to go back any time soon.  Don't get me wrong; my doctor and the nurses and even the receptionists are wonderful people.  People I care about, people who are uplifting and kind, who are the sort of people I would choose to spend time with simply for the sake of their company.  It's just that the daily appointments, the constant need for said appointments, and the amount of energy, time, and attention being devoted to me, feels suffocating.  I'm the sort of person that prefers to fly under the radar.  Solitude doesn't feel lonely to me - it feels peaceful.  There are times when I am not sure what I look forward to more - being healed or the simple reality of not needing and not receiving this sort of intervention every day. 

Eventually though, I will be well enough to just pack a bag and go stay with my dad and family without having to worry about making it to my next appointment.  Eventually, my time and energy will be put into something more, something better.  Eventually, I  won't require so much as an Advil or Tylenol for pain relief, let alone narcotics.  Eventually, I'll walk into that clinic on two feet with no crutches in my hands, and I will undergo the recommended yearly physical exam, and there won't be any problems.  I'll smile at the nice people and walk back out the door.

There Are Days

Ten years ago (well, nine years and eleven and a half months), I graduated from high school.  I remember sitting in the second row of chairs, surrounded by people I'd spent most of my life knowing.  I remember looking around me and seeing how easy they had it.  How simple and enjoyable and effortless their lives were.  How beautiful they were.  How little they struggled and how seldom they had to fight.  I stared briefly at every face.

And I remember them.

But the last ten years have taught me something.  They didn't have it easy.  Their lives weren't necessarily any simpler than mine.  They didn't have a unequal share of happiness.  And they fought.  They grew up with one parent, they were abused, they had eating disorders and were addicted to drugs and self harm.  But they fought.  And because they fought, they got to keep going.  They got to build lives and families and careers.  They got to develop strength and faith and wisdom. 

I see those things reflected in them now.

And I see them reflected in me now.  I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for the lessons and for the joy and for the beauty and for the relationships I've had since that day.  Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by the negatives though.  On mother's day, I let that happen.  It was an empty, heavy day.  I found my thoughts constantly focusing on one thing:  my Gramma, who was the closest thing I had to a mother growing up, is in heaven.  My babies are there too, and I've never met them.  And my mom?  There's an ocean of time and emotional distance between us.  I miss her, always.  She's sick; each night when I am trying to fall asleep, I inevitably find myself thinking about the fact that I don't know if I'll ever see her again.

I let myself focus on that, and it pulled me down. 

This week has felt like swimming through quick sand.  My physical energy is depleted.  Emotionally I've been on edge.  Mentally, my thoughts are jumpy and disconnected.  And each day has gotten just a little harder.

Those things have combined with the reappearance of pain and other symptoms from endometriosis to create days like today.  Days when I'm just... unwell.  Unwell enough to lack the strength even to sit upright.  Unwell enough that I can't focus to follow the plot in the book I'm trying to read.  Unwell enough that my body temperature is up and my blood pressure is down.  Unwell enough that lab work is coming back abnormal.

There are days like that in every one's life, as far as I can tell. 

And as far as I can tell, the only thing I can really do about it, is to rest.  So that is what I am doing.  I am resting.  I want to be with people, to do things, to "be productive."  But there are days when that seems to be too much to ask.

There are certain truths that keep rolling through my head and heart though.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares about you.

Come to Me all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

He leads me beside still waters.  He restores my soul.

Fear not.

Fully God, fully man.  He has done it all, lived through it all, faced it all.  Perfectly.  I don't have to be perfect, because He already was and still is.  And that is why I can have faith and hope.

Even though there are days...

There's This Song

And for the last five and a half weeks, it has been intermittently true.  There is someone in my life who some say, I should not love.  Some say, I should not care.  But I do, and I always will.  And that someone... is sick.   Really sick.  And for a few different reasons, I cannot be there.  I think maybe it looks like I don't want to be there.  Or like I am not comprehending the seriousness of what is happening.  Or like I am just... choosing to be absent.  And I think that is maybe giving, to some people, the impression that I don't care. 

Couldn't be further from the truth.

Being here is okay, most of the time.  But there are moments, every day, when it feels like it is tearing me into pieces.  Moments when I think of this person and I literally cannot breathe.  I think of the pain that is being endured and the battles being fought and lost, and I find myself wondering where this could all go.  In my heart, deep down, I have a pretty good idea, and I don't like it.

So if you see me and there are tears streaming down my face or I look tired or pale; or if you think I am avoiding you or neglecting relationships... that it isn't about you, nor is it even really about me.  It is about someone I love and miss deeply and fear greatly for.

This song is performed/recorded by LifeHouse. 
Lyrics are (C) State One Songs America

Broken
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyesThat are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)

I'm barely holding on to you