There's This Song

And for the last five and a half weeks, it has been intermittently true.  There is someone in my life who some say, I should not love.  Some say, I should not care.  But I do, and I always will.  And that someone... is sick.   Really sick.  And for a few different reasons, I cannot be there.  I think maybe it looks like I don't want to be there.  Or like I am not comprehending the seriousness of what is happening.  Or like I am just... choosing to be absent.  And I think that is maybe giving, to some people, the impression that I don't care. 

Couldn't be further from the truth.

Being here is okay, most of the time.  But there are moments, every day, when it feels like it is tearing me into pieces.  Moments when I think of this person and I literally cannot breathe.  I think of the pain that is being endured and the battles being fought and lost, and I find myself wondering where this could all go.  In my heart, deep down, I have a pretty good idea, and I don't like it.

So if you see me and there are tears streaming down my face or I look tired or pale; or if you think I am avoiding you or neglecting relationships... that it isn't about you, nor is it even really about me.  It is about someone I love and miss deeply and fear greatly for.

This song is performed/recorded by LifeHouse. 
Lyrics are (C) State One Songs America

Broken
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyesThat are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating

In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)

I'm barely holding on to you

Silence.

You may have noticed, if you're particularly observant, that there has been nothing aside from scheduled posts, for a while now.

I've been silent.

My whole life, I have wondered at the tradition known as "a moment of silence."  It always seemed awkward, it seemed unnatural and unhelpful.

Then one of the Better Men... No, one of the BEST Men... threw off his chains and hurts and went to heaven.  It was unexpected, to say the very least.  It was tragic.  It was heartbreaking.  I wanted so badly to talk about it here, but... for once, I understood the silence.  There are not words.  What do you say about a man who is being buried not many years after his son, not many years after his granddaughter?  Do you rejoice because Jim and Roy and Natalie are together?  Do you rejoice because he has children and grandchildren there who never took a breath on this earth, and now he can know them?  Do you rejoice because He is home and he is whole?

Yes.

And for so many... you mourn.  Not for him.  But for those who have the task of learning how to live now.  How to exist in a world where he... isn't.  For the memories that won't be made. 

My heart hurts so much, for so many...
For his mother.

For his wife Rachel.

For his children and their spouses:
Eric and Toni, and their children Ethan, Katie, Emily, and Amanda
Roger and Amber, and their sons Evan and Gunner
Karl and Iris, and their son Israel
Marilyn and Ivan, and their children Trevor, Nicole, Devin, Wyatt, and Keegan
Judith and Craig, and their sons Luke and Ryan

For Carmen, who was his son Roy's wife, and their children Austin, Angel, and Garrett

And for so, so many more.

But I confess... tonight, the person on my heart the most is his youngest daughter, Judith.  She is kind, and genuine, and has ready and quick smile, just like her daddy.  Sparkling green eyes and a passion for her God and for her children.  Gentle and humble. 

It's not that Judith is the only one hurting... it's just that she is the one most like me.  The one whose pain I can understand the best. 

This song is for her.  Because my words are all used up, and I need some time in silence.


Daddy Hung The Moon
~Jeff and Sheri Easter

We made the perfect pair
The best of friends
Daddy and me
I'd be walking on air
Every time he'd smile
And say he was proud of me
We said our prayers
He'd tuck me in then
I'd look in his eyes
I knew his love could fill an ocean
And light up an endless sky

Daddy hung the moon
Out-shined the stars
Put a song inside my heart
Daddy hung the moon
Oh I know it must be true
His smile could light the world
Of this green-eyed daddy's girl
God may have made the stars
But daddy hung the moon

His favorite words were
"I love you"
He always said
There was nothing I couldn't do
There's a world of hurt out there
Little boys and girls
Who've never known love like I do
If I had one wish
I'd wish to make it right
Oh I'd give them all a daddy
And make him just like mine

Cause daddy hung the moon
Out-shined the stars
Placed a song inside my heart
Daddy hung the moon
Oh I know it must be true
His smile could light the world
Of this green-eyed daddy's girl

God made the world
In seven days
The sun to shine and the clouds for rain
But when He made the sky
He saved one part for a little girl
Who knew in her heart

Daddy hung the moon
Out-shined the stars
Placed a song inside my heart
Daddy hung the moon
Oh I know must be true
His smile still lights my world
And I'm still my daddy's girl.
God may have made the stars
But daddy hung the moon

No Words. Just Tears.

Heavy heart this past week, and it's not for me.  So much going so wrong for those I love...

SO tonight, I am going to share so much going so RIGHT for so many. 

And I freely admit, this makes me bawl my eyes out.

A Few More Days - Matthew West

In Rememberance of 9-11

I don't have a lot of words right now.

But I found this song.  And I am posting it in place of words of my own.

Piccolo... nice one.

Not so very long ago, I told my dad I wanted an ebony piccolo.  I have a standard marching piccolo, which I love playing,  And yes, I know it's weird to love playing piccolo,  Alone.  But that's not the point.  The point is...

This shows the uncoventional holes and keys, creating the need to learn new fingerings.  Which I cannot find ANYWHERE.

Isn't it pretty?  Straight out of the new camera, no editing at all. 

As I said, it does not have conventional modern keys.  But it has an amazing, rich tone.... if only I knew how to play the notes.

Heal the Wound...

Every once in a while, I write a post wherein I expose to you the things that I usually keep carefully covered up.  The things that are uncomfortable, unpopular... without beauty and without grace.  This is going to be one of those.  If you want to continue to look at me the same way you always have - stop reading here.  I'll resume "regular" posting soon.

If you are okay with maybe changing what you think of me, of my life... if you're okay with reality being different than you might think, keep going.

If you were sitting here in the room with me, you wouldn't see my legs.  They'd be covered.  My right hand would probably be covering my left arm.  I'd talk to you, look you in the eyes.  You'd see me smile, see my brows pull together with concern.  I'd listen to your every word, tell you I cared.  And I would care.  I'd do whatever I could to show you His love.  But you wouldn't see my legs.

Unless you were truly broken.

If your hope was gone, if your heart was shattered, if tears were streaming down your face.  I'd take your hand, look into your eyes.  I wouldn't look away.  I might shake, and my voice would get quiet.  I'd pull up the leg of my pants.

You'd look down, wondering what I was doing.  The ugly, red hole in my leg... the lines across my skin... the evidence of old wounds would be there for you to see.  Your face would register surprise.  Maybe repulsion, maybe curiosity.  You'd stare, for a few seconds, maybe minutes.  Silence, until your eyes shifted back to my face.

And then, I would tell you why the song that is playing right now means anything at all to me. 

I would tell you that my hope has been gone.  My heart shattered.  I've cried until I had no more tears.  I've stared silently at the darkness, afraid of the light.  I would take a deep breath.  I would tell you that time and again, the pain and the blood have flowed out of me.  That my own hands have been instruments of destruction.

I would look down, and you would too.  Together, we'd look at the scars.

And I would tell you why I have stopped wishing for God to take them away.  Each one is a silent witness, proclaiming this truth: He is enough.  He is there.  He is faithful.

I do not show them off.  I do not want the world to see them if I don't have a chance to explain.  I am ashamed of what I've done.  But I am not ashamed of Him.  I am not ashamed to say that out of the ashes left by burnt out hope, He is creating a masterpiece.  I cannot see it - it is not finished, and I am on the inside looking out. 

I am breathing.  My heart is beating.  My hands are warm, there is fire in my eyes, my back is strong.  And it is not because of anything I am or have or can do.  It is Him.

He has preserved me.  He will present me blameless.  He lifts my head, He washes the shame from my face.  In Him, there is freedom.  Life.  Liberty.  There is no condemnation.  No fear.

He is your hope.  He is the only thing that can hold the pieces of your heart together.  He is the One who never leaves, never fails, never ends.  His shoulders are broad - they can carry the weight of the world.  And He loves you.  He has redeemed you.  He knew you before you were born, and He knows every minute tomorrow holds. 

The hurt, the loss, the destruction I have known, are not visible.  You can't see them.  If you were here in this room, there wouldn't be any way for you to know about them.  Except for the scars.

They speak.

They might make you cry.  They might make you cringe.  They might make you wonder if I've ever known the pain that you're feeling now. 

They will show you dependence. 

If you were here, I would squeeze your hands, ask you to look at me.

I would tell you that you will fall, again and again.  That your heart might be broken anew.  That you will feel more pain.  And I would tell you that He will pick you up.  That He will hold you, and wash you, and purify you.  I would remind you that in Him, there is healing and fullness of joy. 

And after you left, I would be thankful for the scars.  Not for the pain.  Not for the wounds.  Not for the sorrow.  But for the healing.  For the truth.  For Him.  For you.

If you were here.

It's Mother's Day.

Heaven Is The Face
(C) Steven Curtis Chapman


Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.

Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Mommy please come play with me for awhile."

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You inow, that this is what I'm aching for.
God, You know, I just can't see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest
Falling fast asleep while I sing.

And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her
Safe from harm while she dreams.

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God you know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door.

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphan's bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy

Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things
I miss with her gone

Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven is the face of my little girl

Today, I don't have any words of my own. Just a special dream, an aching heart, and a desire to be with my little girl. So I'm going to let Mr. Chapman speak for me. Use the player at the top of the post if you want to hear the song again.