Emotion. Psalms.

This post is going to be a short one... because the thing that's weighing most heavily on me tonight, the thing that I truly need to write out, may or may not be something that I share here. But, for those who may be following along in the Psalms with me...

Jump ahead to Psalm 18. I'm going to pick it up in the middle, share a few verses, and wrap it up. Meanwhile, if you would, take a minute to head over to Jennifer's blog. Her sweet son, Stellan, is struggling. Fighting for his very life. Please, take a little time out of your day to pray for him, for his parents (Jennifer and Israel), and for his doctors as they prepare for a very risky procedure.

Verses 1-3
I love You, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer;
My God is my Rock in Whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation - my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, Who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

My life has not been what I would call easy. Blessed, for sure. Good, mostly. Amazing, thrilling, exhilarating? At times. But not easy. And yet, through everything... He has been there. In the darkness, in the sadness, in the hurt, He comforted. In the joy, the peace, the beauty, He showed Himself. He truly is my rock and my Deliverer. It is He who has delivered me, and it is He in whom I take refuge.

Verses 4-6
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears.

I'm not going to expound on verses four and five. They speak for themselves, and there isn't anything that I would like to say, other than "I get that."

It's verse six I want to talk about. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. That is the only thing I could do. There wasn't strength for anything else. No earthly way forward. Men (or women) could not help. The battle was not physical, not a flesh-and-blood thing. It was (and is, and will be for the rest of my earthly life) spiritual.

It's hard, truthfully, to cry out to God when it feels like I'm failing. When that insistent little voice whispers "You did this and you never do that. Surely, God can't accept you anymore. You've gone too far, done it one too many times now." When that happens, shame rushes in and confidence is harder to grasp than the wind. It is at that time that I truly feel unworthy. And it at that time that doubt raises its ugly head, blocking my view. And it is hard, so hard, to cry out to God. And yet, it is then that I most desperately need to do just that. And it is then, when I am totally and utterly dependent on His grace, on His mercy, on the sacrifice He made and the sinless life He lived, that He has shown Himself faithful.

He has heard my cry. Not just heard... but really heard. It's not like when a bird outside serenades. When that happens, we hear the song, but we don't really hear it. Am I making sense? God hears us. Not just perceives that we are making noise, but really hears what we say.

Verses 7-18
The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because He was angry.
Smoke rose from His nostrils;
consuming fire came from His mouth,
burning coals blasted out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under His feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
He soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him -
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot His arrows and scattered the enemies,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at Your rebuke, O Lord,
at the blast of breath from Your nostrils.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.

This is one of my favorite passages, because of the picture it paints. I don't know about you, but my mind works in pictures. I see the wind, the dark and swirling clouds, the lightning and parting waters. I have stood, arms thrown open wide, as a storm rushed in. I've felt every hair stand at attention in wonder.

And yet... this passage, pales in comparison to the work He has done inside of each person who allows it. It pales in comparison to what He has done in me. For me. I'm not going to draw any more parallels, not going to expound on that thought any further.

I'm ending here, with this statement. This passage, these words recorded for all eternity, bring to mind a few emotions. Awe. Wonder. A sense of being loved. But more than any of that, they bring gratitude. I am so unspeakably grateful for what He has done and Who He is. And for tonight, that is where I am going to close.

In the Meantime...

So, as you have probably noticed, I have taken a couple days off from posting my studies from the Psalms. I have not abandoned it, nor have I abandoned this blog.

But my heart has been heavy with something... other. Something beyond my own "struggles" and my own "journey." I have been looking around myself, at the people I know. And have been struck with the struggles they are going through.

A girl a few years younger than me, desperately seeking love and acceptance. Having not found it where she expected, she's turned against her own body. She's using blades to release her frustrations, and the pain and shame that go with this cutting are stopping her from getting the help she desperately needs.

A woman several years older than I, at the end of her rope. No, not at the end. She reached the end months ago and it's no longer even in sight. A woman who last time we spoke, poured her heart out to me. The depths of anguish in her nearly broke my heart. Her desperate need for belonging, for encouragement. I want to hope for her - she doesn't have any left of her own. Watching her give up is so hard. Trying to find words to comfort her? Impossible.

A family that appears to be "together" and happy that is falling apart.

A young couple with a tiny, tiny son at home. He weighs a mere four pounds, and was born almost two months early because his sweet mommy was too sick to keep him inside any longer.

Some dear friends of ours who are struggling financially, more than my own husband and I ever have.

And these are just the ones who popped quickly into my head. There are more, people that I can't mention here because I want to protect their privacy.

But there is one more that I can mention.

His name is Stellan. He is a beautiful little boy who is right now fighting for his very life. The doctors are doing everything they can. His mommy and daddy (Jennifer and Israel) are praying and watching and holding onto their God with all that is in them. Please, pray with me for this little one. His heart needs to slow down, and it needs to slow down now. Whether this happens by some blatant miracle, or whether the doctors finally find something that works, doesn't matter. For more information, you can go to My Charming Kids.

Psalm 16

Tonight, I read through three chapters in the book of Psalms. Not because chapters 14 and 15 weren't good, but because I just didn't find much "emotion" in them. It may well be that it's there, and I don't see (or feel) it. Regardless, I am going with chapter 16 tonight. Are you coming too?

Verse 1:
Keep me safe, O God,
for in You I take refuge.

Do you do this? I try to do this. But sometimes... sometimes, I want something more tangible. Something that takes less faith. In those times, I turn to other people. To ideas or concepts. To technology. Not that any of those things are wrong. I believe if it will help, go for it. It's just... that needs to be done while trusting God. While taking refuge in HIM. Because ultimately, He is our protector, our refuge. The only place, the only One, in whom we can truly take refuge.

Verse 2:
I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
apart from You I have no good thing."

Have you ever seen the verse that says every good and perfect thing is from God? I have. This verse invokes... gratitude. And utter and total dependence. With God... good things. Without God? No good things. Sure, there are things that aren't obviously attached to or dependent on or directly sent from God. But really, in light of knowing and walking with Him, everything pales and just doesn't seem so good anymore.

Verses 3&4:
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

Verses 5 & 6:
Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundry lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I relate to this. Not so much to the portion and cup part... but to the secure lot and the pleasant places. I look around me right now, and here is what I see. I see trees - our home is surrounded by trees. Big, old, healthy trees. Through the trees, I see clouds, lit up with the reds of sunset. I smell flowers and freshly mown grass. If I mute the music, I hear birds singing. No cars, no machines. It's peaceful here. Beautiful. Pleasant. Delightful, even.

Verse 7:
I will praise the Lord, Who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

This one is interesting. God has never spoken audibly to me. But He has spoken to my heart in a voice so consuming that there would be no possible way to ignore it. He's counseled me in the dark of night, and in the bright glaring light of day. He has never left me to "figure it out myself." And I am so, so thankful. I praise Him for it.

And now, sleep is calling me. Stay tuned tomorrow night - I'll finish up, starting with verse 8.

Psalm 13. At last.

Psalm 13.

Verse 1:
How long, O LORD?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

Have you ever felt like God has forgotten you? My immediate response to that question was "No, never." But then, I thought about it some more. I've never felt like God has forgotten me. I've been raised to know that that's impossible. But I have felt like He's forgotten to answer. I've prayed, and waited for the answer for days. When the days turned into weeks, and then months, and even years... it really did feel almost like He'd forgotten to answer. Like maybe that one prayer slipped by unnoticed. Have you ever felt that way?

David then asks God how long He'll hide His face from him. I've felt like God must surely be hiding his face from me. But when I really consider myself... God isn't hiding His face from me at all. Rather, I am putting things between Him and I, things that make it difficult, if not impossible to see Him. He has never turned away, and promises that He never will. And yet... haven't we all felt sometimes that God must be hiding from us?

Verse 2:
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

This is one that makes me wish I could say "I don't get it." I wish that I didn't know what david is talking about here... I wish I didn't know what it is like to "have sorrow in my heart" every day. But I do. And I've wrestled with my thoughts. Oh, how I've wrestled. Not as much recently, but it hasn't been so long that I've forgotten. Not even close to that long.

And when I was wrestling, when there was sorrow in my heart every day... it really did feel like my enemy, the enemy of my very soul, was triumphing over me. Have you ever felt that defeated?

Verses 3 & 4:
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

Here is where this gets heavy. You can think whatever you want, but to me, this verse talks about suicide. I suspect that many people have wrestled with the idea. I know some who have given in to it. Who have yielded to the pressure, who have been unable to fight any longer. People who took steps to end their lives. Most of them were not successful. Most.

It seems hard to fathom that David, DAVID, wrestled with that temptation. Out of everyone we read about in the Bible, David seems so very close to God. He loves Him so intensely. Seeks Him earnestly. Clearly has an active, full relationship with Him. And in spite of that... he is wrestling with this?

If you are wrestling with those thoughts tonight - thoughts that maybe your life isn't worth living any longer - please, please don't stop reading here. You need to know something: God loves you. He has a plan for you. A good plan, a plan to bless you and give you hope for the future. There is help for you. Pray, ask God to bring you comfort. And please, reach out. There are so many ways to get assistance. You can call 911. Call or go to any emergency room. Call 1-800-273-TALK.

I end where David did. I have gone through the first four verses. I'm not referring only to going through them in study. I mean I have gone through them, in life. And now, I can say with David:

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Rescue Me

I'm going to take a moment and be transparent. If you read here often, you'll know that this transparency thing is something I've been working on this past year. Obviously, there are things that should most decidedly not be published for the world to see. Beyond those, there are things that should be even more closely guarded. But there are also times when letting others see our weakness can be of benefit to them. Times when admitting that we don't "have it all together" can do so much to encourage others.

Truth is, I have been struggling for over a year now. With the same things. I really, truthfully cannot share those things here - it wouldn't be prudent, and it wouldn't help anybody to know. But I can share little pieces of the struggle.

I can share that calling it a struggle is sort of like calling a tsunami a wave. Technically true, but an understatement of gargantuan proportions. I think calling it an all out war would be more accurate.

It's been exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically. And as often happens, that exhaustion has spilled over into my spiritual life. I can't even begin to describe how much I am depending on God's grace right now. Grace, and mercy. And love. Love that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what I do, but everything to do with Who He is, and what He has done.

I have good news, though. Recent weeks have seen a turn around during my devotional time. And a turn around in other areas. In some ways, it is as though everything has exploded and there is no way I can keep going. In other ways, it is as though I have never been so utterly dependent on Him, and so thoroughly awestruck by His unfailing, unwavering, unchanging love. There's more battles to be fought. I don't know how many, or for how long. I don't know what victory will entail. But I do know that He is faithful.

And days like this, days when I am desperate for Him, when I am at the end of myself, I can relate to Peter. I feel like I've stepped out of the boat in the midst of the storm. I've just walked across water, and it is an amazing, incredible feeling. And now, having taken my eyes off of Him for just a moment to consider the storm raging around me, I am sinking. I am realizing that I just cannot do this on my own. There is no way. And like Peter, I don't have the time or the energy to come up with an eloquent prayer that will be passed down for generations to come. Tonight, Peter's prayer is my prayer.

"Lord, rescue me."

Selah is one of my favorite groups. Not because of their impressive stage presence or deeply profound lyrics. It's their genuine faith and desire to honor and glorify God that attracts me. But I would be lying if I didn't say that one particular song of theirs struck something inside of me tonight. I've added the lyrics to the end of this post, and put the song itself at the top of my playlist for now. You can open my playlist and listen to music while you browse by clicking on the "Music" link in the column on the right.

Rescue Me
(C) Selah

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die
With You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the heavens
Here is my hand
Is my heart and my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me, my God and my King
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me

Psalm 13

This one is a bit... heavier... than I normally would post here. I'm not going to avoid it or sidestep it, but I am going to take another day to really consider it, to ponder it. To pray over what to say here. Tonight, I am not really in a position to comment on any scripture. So I'll post it in a couple of versions. If you have any thoughts you would like to share on the passage, please do. You can leave a comment (hidden until I approve them) or use the link over on the right. If I don't receive anything before I post, it will be all me. If I do receive something (or many somethings), I'll include them in the post.

Without further words on my part, here is Psalm 13.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Not Me Monday

In light of the new "Not Me Monday" banner, I am writing a new "Not Me Monday" introduction for my blog.

I'm distinctly lacking in inspiration tonight, though, so you'll have to wait until next Monday to read it. Which leads me into the "meat" of this post.

I would never simply direct my readers to head over to MckMama's blog for an explanation of what "Not Me Monday" is really about, instead of telling you myself.

I would also never create a ridiculously detailed binder of processes for a job - and then, five years later, pass that binder on to someone who is now training for that job. Because I'm not a list maker or note taker. Seriously. I'm not. And because of that, I wouldn't make that binder. But if I did, I'm sure my pack-rat habits would dictate that the binder still be present in my home.

I did not hire a photographer for my best friend's wedding because I found her through MckMama's blog. But if I did, it wouldn't be just based on that - it would also be because I met her six years ago. At a park in a nearby city. And I saw her a few times after that. So I do technically sort of know her from real life. But since I would never hire a photographer because I found her on a complete stranger's blog, it doesn't really matter, does it? If you are curious about this mystery photographer that I did not hire, you can check her out over at Sailor and Company. Sami, if you read this... see you in October. :)

I did not ride 17.63 miles yesterday on a bike with a seat designed for... well, for something other than riding 17.63 miles. And today, I am not finding it difficult to sit in any of the traditional "sitting positions" because of it. And if that were so, that discomfort is surely something too personal to share in such a public forum. Right?

I am not sleepy. And I am not going to bed having only written a pathetically short Emotions from the Psalms post and an almost as pathetic "Not Me Monday" post. Because I have nothing better to do at night than blog. Or something.

Oh... and when I ran spell check on this post, I did not contemplate gloating about the fact that it only found one error. Because I'm not that shallow. I only post about important and significant achievements. Not silly things like proper spelling.

Psalm 12

Tonight, I am in Psalm 12. I don't know why, but I'm struggling to pull emotion from it. Perhaps it's exhaustion, perhaps it's simply the power of distraction. Either way, rather than skip posting all together as I have the last couple days, I'll share the two verses that did something to me.

Verse 5:
"Because of the oppression of the weak
and the groaning of the needy,
I will now arise," says the LORD.
"I will protect them from those who malign them."

I thought this was interesting. There's nothing here about eloquent prayers or selfless giving. There's no indication that the weak and needy did anything at all to "earn" God's favor. A mere expression of emotion - not even words, but just a groan - moved God to action. In the past, I've always tried to keep emotion out of my prayers. Wanting to be a "good Christian" and wanting to be "above" letting emotions have any say in my life. Here, a part of God's character is revealed. A part where He is moved by emotions. A part where people express those emotions, when words fail.

His response to the groans? "I will arise. I will protect them from those who malign them." Powerful words, when you consider the Source.

Verse 6:
And the words of the LORD are flawless,
like silver refined in a furnace of clay,
purified seven times.

This says what I would like to say. God's Words are flawless. He cannot and does not lie. Ever. He doesn't change. Doesn't waver. So His response here? It's the same response He would have today, for me, if my emotions were overwhelming. If my needs were so great that all I could do was groan, He'd respond.

Pretty amazing, if you ask me.

Psalm 8

No expounding tonight. No words of my own. I'm taking a small step back and I'm just going to let king David speak for me.

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.
O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth

Remember this?

I learned something with this recent wedding.... NEVER edit tired. It goes poorly. It gets frustrating, vision fails, brainwaves cease, and it is general just... well, it yields pictures like this:


But if you take that SAME image, and try it when you're not so tired, and further away from sleep, you might like the results a bit better...



I'm still kicking myself for accidentally deleting the copy of this shot that was properly exposed (that's what happens when you let yourself delete shots while waiting for the wedding to start). But at least it was somewhat salvagable...

Say What Wednesday

We all do it. I think. Regardless, I know that many of us sometimes let words come out of our mouths that just make us go "Huh?" Or sometimes, words that make everybody around us crack up.

So, without further introduction, here is my "Say What?! Wednesday" post. And yes, I know it's Thursday today. But I am going to post this with a publish date of Wednesday. Because that makes me look like I remembered to do this yesterday. Or something...

So today, I was talking with a couple coworkers. I told one of them, "Derek told me to ask you to sing the song about the mouse in a bar." I have no idea what this song is, but I've been told it's funny. So I wanted to hear it. She looked at me kind of wierd. I continued on, "Derek tells me to do things a lot because he thinks they'll be fun." And then one of my coworkers snorted. She snorted because she was holding in laughter. Because according to her, it was a sort of... off-sounding statement.

I began a message that I left for a customer today with the following words... "Thank you for calling _____, the best value in wireless. My name is Jennifer..." I froze. I had called them, not the other way around. I continued on, though, trying to cover my error. "Hehe. That is what I'd say if you had called me. But I called you. To find out if you need any further assistance with your account." And waited for the option to review or delete my message. It never came. They'll get my special message tonight. And I bet they don't want my help with anything else.

I know that these are weak examples, but seeing as how it's a day late anyway, I'm allowed.

My last one is a joke. Told by our trainer at work. Who is infamous for... less-than-humerous jokes that get everybody laughing because of how funny he thinks they are.

I had just entered some information backwards into a search tool, and told him so. He laughed. And shouted, with Superman-esque enthusiasm, "Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!" He is dyslexic. So it's okay for him to say that. And yes, I do mean UNTIE. Not unite.

Please, bail me out here folks... what did yousay or hear this week that made you go, "Say what?!"

Psalm 6

Tonight, I am back to the sixth Psalm. As I mentioned before, I have been given an assignment of sorts. An assignment to focus on the relationship David has with His God. More specifically, to focus on his emotions and how they play into that relationship. I'm trusting the Holy Spirit to reveal to me the character and nature of God, and to help me as I relate to Him.

I've actually been in the sixth Psalm since Saturday. I've labored over whether to post it or not. My conclusion? Share some things, in hopes that it will help or bless those who read. Because really, I don't have anything to prove. That's not the point of this assignment - right or wrong. The point is to grow. To learn. To develop.

My words aren't annointed or inspired. They are simply... me. And as my Pastor has shared, life is life for everyone. And since that is true, I want to share a bit of mine.

Verse 1: O Lord, rebuke me not in Your anger nor discipline and chasten me in Your hot displeasure.

I'm struggling to relate to this emotion. You see, I'm blessed in the realm of discipline, chastening, and rebuking. Not blessed as in able to do them all very well. But blessed in that I've learned that these things, when done according to their actual purpose, are done out of love. I sort of "got it" after being on the receiving end several times. But I really got that when I had the awesome privelage of being a nanny for an amazing little boy. As he grew, so did the love I had for him. When he got old enough to start making rational choices, I found myself rebuking him. Correcting. Chastening. And you know what? I did it purely out of love. Because I loved him too much to let him continue on in error.

Even so, I can relate, a little, to the emotion that David may have felt here. Because, love or not, being rebuked is never fun at the time. And there is still that tiny, almost non-existant pretty big part of me that doesn't want anybody to know about any of my faults. And for rebuking, chastening, or correcting... my faults need to be known.

Verses 2 and 3: Have mercy on me and be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am weak (faint and withered away); O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. My [inner] self [as well as my body] is also exceedingly disturbed and troubled. But You, O Lord, how long [until You return and speak peace to me]?

These two verses? I get these. I've been weak. So weak that I despaired for my life. Emotionally empty and drained. And when that happened, my body suffered for it. It was truly as if my very bones were troubled. This emotion... dispair, desperation, fear, and just a tiny sliver of hope... a tiny sliver that says maybe it could be better. A tiny sliver that gives us the courage to cry out to God.

Verse 4: Return [to my relief], O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of Your steadfast love and mercy.

I've prayed for this. I've prayed that God would come in, and change my heart. That He would change my life. Deliver me. Not because I deserve it - truth be told, none of us do. I don't know all the sins of anybody - except for me. I know what I do. I know what I say, what I think. I know my intentions and secret thoughts. And in light of those, I am desperately dependent on God's steadfast love and mercy. Without it, I am entirely without hope. And with it? Well... you get the idea.

I'm going to skip over verse 5, since I have nothing to say about it. But you can read it - in any Bible.

For tonight, I'm ending with verses 6 and 7.

I am weary with my groaning; all night I soak my pillow with tears, I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye grows dim because of grief; it grows old because of all my enemies.

Have you ever been in there? Has the light of dawn ever illuminated your pillow, revealing the wetness of countless tears? Have you ever spent an entire night so distraught that you were unable to sleep at all?

I have. This is what David is talking about. True sorrow. True grief. Heartbreak. I've been there. I suspect, if you've been living life very long at all, you have too. The thing I am taking from this passage tonight, and applying to my own life, is this:

I do not have to hide my sorrow, my tears, my pain, from God. I can pour them out to Him. It's appropriate. Acceptable. And when I am overwhelmed? When my vision truly grows dim with sorrow? Call out to Him. Here, David is our example.

What have you learned from this passage? Does it strike a chord somewhere in you? It may be (in fact, it probably is) that you get something so very different from what I got. I'd love to hear. Leave a comment on this post, or you can use the link on the right hand side of the page. All comments on this blog are moderated, so if you'd prefer to keep the comment just between us, just say so and I will respect that.

Good night, and God bless.

Not Me. Not Today.

The past week was long, busy, and not the easiest of weeks. In light of that, I will not be doing a "Not Me Monday" post today. You can head over to MckMama's blog to check out other people's "Not Me's."

As for me, I am going to bed.

Tomorrow, you can expect another "emotion from Psalms" post. I've been keeping up with the reading - just not with the posting of the reading.

This Weekend...

This weekend, my husband and I shot a wedding. It was his first. He did pretty well. I haven't really gotten to his shots yet, but here is a handful that I took and like.

I've been told that all brides are beautiful.... but seriously, Rachael was absolutely stunning. I loved watching the two of them interact. The way they look at eachother is priceles...

Rachael has two beautiful daughters. The shot came out... a little bit underexposed. So I had to do some editing and softening to get rid of the pixelated look. I'm not sure what else to do... I just know it feels incomplete some how.

Lastly... I like this shot. This little girl goes to our church. She's a beautiful little girl... with a lot of spunk. Just a few seconds after I snapped this, she started chasing another kid with that bat.

This wedding was very special to me. I've been praying for this woman for a long time. Praying that she'd keep her fervency for God. That she'd never forget who she is in Him, or what He's done for her. That she would meet that special man who would treat her, and her children, with respect and a gentle, patient love. And would be as on fire for God as she is.

This weekend, I got a special treat. I got to watch the answer to that prayer play out in front of me. I know that I am not the only one who prayed. My prayer now is different. It's thanksgiving for this man and woman. It's a request for ever-increasing grace and mercy. For a peaceful home. For an uncommon ease in uniting. And it's for the kids - that they would easily and quickly get used to having Jonny around.

Congratulations, both of you!

Psalm 5

(vs.1) Lord, listen to my words. Understand my sadness.

David doesn't leave anything up to chance here. There's no guessing how he feels - he comes out and says it straight up. He's feeling sad. This caught my attention - directness is something I not only prefer, but in many situations, need.

(vs.2, 3) Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you. Lord, every morning you hear my voice. Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.

These next two verses show me how David dealt with his sadness. I notice he didn't hide it. He didn't pretend it didn't exist. He didn't whisper for help - he cried for it. He expresses no remorse for his sadness. Merely a statement that it is, and that he has given it to God.

(vs. 4-8) You are not a God who is pleased with the wicked; you do not live with those who do evil. Those people who make fun of you cannot stand before you. You hate all those who do evil. You destroy liars; the Lord hates those who kill and trick others. Because of your great love, I can come into your Temple. Because I fear and respect you, I can worship in your holy Temple. Lord, since I have many enemies, show me the right thing to do. Show me clearly how you want me to live.

The one thing I relate to here, is David's request for God to show him the right thing to do about his enemies. I've prayed this same prayer, earnestly. Lord, show me what to do. Show me how to let your love move through me, show me how to live. Teach me how to behave toward them.

(vs. 9,10) My enemies' mouths do not tell the truth; in their hearts they want to destroy others. Their throats are like open graves; they use their tongues for telling lies. God, declare them guilty! Let them fall into their own traps. Send them away because their sins are many; they have turned against you.

Okay. I really get this. David is sad. And what's on his mind? The decietful nature of his enemies. There is little that people can do that hurts me more than when they lie to me. Or in front of me. God tells us to love truth. And I do. And I hate lies. The absolute worst lies of all? The ones that hurt me deeper than any others? The ones that escape my own mouth.

(vs. 11,12) But let everyone who trusts you be happy; let them sing glad songs forever. Protect those who love you and who are happy because of you. Lord, you bless those who do what is right; you protect them like a soldier's shield.

I trust God. And I sing glad songs to Him. I try to do what's right. And when I really consider what this means? What an awesome reason to be happy. So awesome, that in the midst of all the storms life can throw at me, I still have something to be happy about. What about you?

I've got a post about that very thing rolling around in my head, actually. I will be working on it in the coming weeks. Meanwhile... you could comment here and let me know how you keep your focus on the one thing we really have to be happy about. And not just happy... joyful even. What have you done so that you don't "lose your joy" in the middle of life's trials? If you wouldn't object, I will take the comments I receive and make a whole other post about them.

Say What?! Wednesday

So, I was thinking today, about the things that we sometimes say that just come out so... wrong. Not the serious things. But the funny ones. And I decided I'm gonna maybe try hosting my very own blog festival thingy... for me and all SIX of my regular readers. Yes, I know who you are. Okay. Not really. At least, not most of you.

Anyway. I have six regular readers who CONFESS their readership. For the rest of you - this is your chance to step out and participate.

In a manner similar to MckMama, I am going to begin hosting Say What?! Wednesday. The point? Well, you know those times when, with perfectly good intentions, we say exactly what we mean... only it doesn't quite come out right? Or someone else says something to you, and all you can do in response is laugh, or scratch your head in confusion? This is your chance to share those silly things, and get a good laugh. Of course, I am stepping out and taking a risk that nobody will post... in which case, I will sheepishly move this back to some previous, long-forgotten date, and try again next week. So either grab a button (on the sidebar) for your own blog, or add your own Say What?! to the comments on this post.

Anyway... here are my Say What?! moments.

The first, I confess, is sort of old. I may have even mentioned it here. But I'm saying it again. I received an e-mail requesting my assistance with a baby bird. In which the sender, who did genuinely want to help this little bird. But I'm thinking that his or her true intentions didn't quite come through...

"I've put it in a flower pot, with grass. On the trampoline."

Okay... where does one even start with that?

The second is also something someone else said. I'm not sure what, exactly, it was that they said. Because it was in a different language. Where I work, we take incoming customer service calls from business customers. We speak to a lot of people from all walks of life, and it's a lot of fun. Often times, to resolve the issue that we get called about, we need to call customer's back.

Yesterday, I had the joy of speaking to the King of Zamunda. Okay. Not really. But if you've ever seen "Coming To America" you'll know who I mean when I refer to the King of Zamunda. I talked to a guy who sounded EXACTLY like that. I held in my laughter during the entire call. But when I called him back to let him know I'd been able to fix the problem with his account, I actually had to hang up on the voicemail message because I could not quit laughing.

Seriously. I don't know what language he speaks. I just know I didn't understand a single word. Except the last word. Which probably means something serious in his language, but sounded exactly, completely, and 100% like he said "Hubba HUBBA." As in the sound that people on older television shows say when they see someone attractive. He ended his voicemail message with this. In his King of Zamunda voice. Yeah. It doesn't seem nearly so funny when I type it out.

Lastly, tonight, I went for a nice walk with my husband. I smiled at him and said "I've prayed before all of my weddings." It took a second to realize what I'd just said. What I meant was that when I photograph a wedding, I always pray first. But that's not what I said.

Psalm 4

Today, I was caught when I read verse seven of Psalm 4. But the joy that you have given me... joy. It's not so much an emotion... but in some ways, it is. It's that calm, unshakable assurance. It's not based on how it feels... but it does feel good. So... I kept going, with that joy in the back of my mind (or in the front... or where ever thoughts go when they're almost the focus of your attention). When I lie down, I go to sleep in peace.

Can I be real for just a minute? Not that I make a habit of being fake when I write here, but I don't always let you (readers) see my struggles. Sleep is the one activity in life I struggle most with. I've seen doctors, talked to helpful, well meaning people. Taken medication, tried all manner of natural "sleep aids" and "sleep enhancers." Developed a bedtime routine. Learned to keep my mind carefully in check. And the truth? Tonight, when I do fall asleep, it will be with the assistance of the two little pills I just swallowed. I don't like that. I would prefer not to admit that I need that help. But, it's true whether I admit it or not.

And if I were to lie down, with no medication, and I were to sleep all night? Well, I would definitely relate to the joy that David is talking about here. There have been brief seasons in my life where sleep has come easily. Read these two verses with me.

Psalm 4:7,8
But the joy that you have given me is more than they will ever have with all their grain and wine. When I lie down, I go to sleep in peace; you alone, O LORD, keep me perfectly safe.

He keeps me safe. Perfectly safe. Not mostly safe. Not almost safe. But perfectly safe. Because of Him, the Almighty King, I can do what Psalm 4:9 says.

Psalm 4:8, CEV:
I can lie down and sleep soundly because you, LORD, will keep me safe.

Tonight, this is what I'm saying. I may not actually believe it the way I should. My faith may be shakey, and I may be fighting thoughts of "yeah, but..." I may have just swallowed two little pills, and it may be that I feel guilty for even needing that. But I'm growing. God loves me too much to leave me the same. And so, I will say tonight...

I can lie down and sleep soundly, because my GOD will keep me safe.

Psalm 1

I've been given an "assignment" of sorts... for the next two months, I will spend time each day in the Psalms. I'm focusing on the relationship David has there, with his God. And learning from it. Praying. Trusting the Holy Spirit to reveal to me the character and nature of God, and to help me as I relate to Him. I'm going to try to post each day as I go.

I'm starting with Psalm 1, the whole thing.

Happy are those who reject the advice of evil people, who do not follow the example of sinners or join those who have no use for God. Instead, they find joy in obeying the Law of the LORD, and they study it day and night.

They are like trees that grow beside a stream, that bear fruit at the right time, and whose leaves do not dry up. They succeed in everything they do. But evil people are not like this at all; they are like straw that the wind blows away. Sinners will be condemned by God and kept apart from God's own people. The righteous are guided and protected by the LORD, but the evil are on the way to their doom.

To be honest, I often times struggle with emotions - how to feel about things, and how to act in light of those feeligns. For lots of reasons, one of which is my distinctly Norwegian heritage. Here, it says that the people who reject the advice of evil people (I do), and if I do not follow the example of sinners or join those who have no use for God, I will be happy. At least, that's how I read it. I do find joy in obeying the Law of the Lord. I don't study His word as I should, but I am trying. And the more I do, the more complete I am. And this, really, is something to be happy about.

Do You Ever Wonder?

Have you ever met someone?

What I mean is, have you ever gone out looking for people?

I mean.

Well.

I mean, have you ever...

Okay. I'm going to stop asking questions designed to help you relate to me, and just say what I'm thinking.

Several years ago - five or six, maybe even seven - I went out to a park with my church's evangelism team. It was the first time I'd ever "witnessed" on purpose, and I was petrified. I prayed that God would show me someone easy. A man and woman sitting in lawn chairs caught my eye. I felt compelled. I walked up, started a conversation. Asked about their lives. Had a great time getting to know them just a little. Then I remembered why I'd started the conversation in the first place. Asked about their relationship with Christ. They asked if I was from (insert the name of my church here). I smiled sheepishly and said yes. They said they figured, since they'd seen it in the announcements. Turns out that they pastor another local church and come to ours when they don't have a service at the same time. What an easy way to start off!

Next was a young lady. She was sitting down by the river, watching the water go by. Something about her just... caught my attention. Arrested and held it firmly, rather. She was so... peaceful. Thoughtful. Seemed like she was searching for something.

Started talking. Found out she'd just moved to our town. Had a husband. Two daughters. Sweet, sweet woman. Loved her God, loved her Jesus. Hadn't found a church home yet, but they were searching. Maybe that's what God wanted me to talk to her about? She and her husband, and her daughters came to our church a few times. I still don't know what God did with that encounter... turned out their church home was not to be the same as mine. They settled in somewhere else. And I've thought of and prayed for them fairly often ever since.

That's a lot of years to pray for someone when you don't actually know them. Or where they are. Or what they're doing.

I found out recently, though, that God's been doing awesome things in their lives. They now have five kids. Are on fire for their King. Established in their church. And I know it! What a blessing to find this out through a long, twisty, crazy way. Involving a total stranger, pictures of kids I've never met playing on a beach hours away from here, a sick baby, a blog I read frequently, and a friend who needs a wedding photographer.

Just a reminder that God... He is God everywhere. All the time. And when we pray - even if we don't know what to pray - He hears.

I Am With You

This promise, this unchangeable, unshakable truth, is so precious to me. He is with me. With me. Wherever I go. Whatever I do. He is with me. Nothing can hide me from Him. From His love. From His mercy. His goodness. His correction. He is with me.

Matthew 28:20 - Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

This promise, this unchangeable, unshakable truth, bothers me. He is with me. With me. Wherever I go. Whatever I do. He is with me. I can't hide from him. Nothing I do escapes him. There are plenty of things I've done that I wish he hadn't seen. Things I've confessed, sure. Things He's forgiven. Things He loves me in spite of. And yet... He is with me?

It is one of those things that will stop me in my tracks. It will freeze the words that are about to come flying out of my mouth. It will arrest my attention. It causes me to hesitate before doing things that may not be the most... wholesome. It, in essence, enhances my conscience.

But it also gives me courage when inside, I am imagining every bad outcome. It gives me strength when I am falling apart and know I can't keep going. It gives me hope when there doesn't seem to be any answer.

Lo, I am with you always.

A great, glorious promise.

I Made It For You.

This morning, I was still up when the sun started to rise (if you follow me on twitter, you'll know that my heart did its thing a bit last night and I ended up having to take something for it). Anyway... the sunrise looked like it promised to be a good one. I slipped outside in my jammies, and walked across the neighbor's field to stand at the edge of the valley. It was quiet. Peaceful. Birds were singing. The flowers blooming at the edge of the field were filling the air and my head with their fragrence. As I stood there, the sky seemed to catch fire. It started slowly - just the clouds on the eastern horizon. But it spread, rapidly, until the entire sky was red, quickly moving clouds. It was amazing.

As I walked back toward our house, I prayed. Thank you, Lord, for the beauty around me. You created such a beautiful world. And then, a still, small voice - softer than the dew on the grass, and mighter than the biggest storm - spoke to my heart. "I made this for you."

He did. He made this world for us. For us to live in, to dwell in. It's a mere shadow of what it was made to be. And even so, if we'll allow Him, God will never cease to amaze us with His creation. Take a minute today to look around you and notice what He's done. The amazing, beautiful things He has done.

Calm In the Storm

Tonight, my husband and I stood outside our home. In the field that meets up with our driveway. And got these two pictures. All around, I could hear thunder... I could almost feel it. And lightning was flashing all around. And yet... it was calm. Peaceful.

I admit, there is something about a storm that is just downright attractive to me. I crave standing in the midst of them. With power all around me. Rain pouring down. Arms stretched out. And in the midst of those storms, God is so near. And that's why I crave them. I crave that closeness. That nearness. That reminder of how awesome He is - there is no storm on earth that could compare to His power, His might. And still... He loves me. What a privilege.

Tonight, there is someone dear to me, whom I have never met, who is walking through a storm. Right now, it's raging so loudly around her and her sweet son that Idon't know how she's able to hear anything else. And yet... I know she is able to. She loves her God, and trusts Him. And I do too. Will you pray with me? Pray that her son's life would be preserved. That his heart would be calmed. That the doctors would have wisdom to know what to do next. And pray for his parents. That they would remain aware of His presence. That they would not be overwhelmed by fear or trepidation.

Please pray... you can get updates here.

When I Say I Am A Christian.

I was browsing through some random pages today, and I came across two poems entitled "When I Say I Am A Christian." I'm going to include them here... because I like them. A lot. And I wish I would have thought to write them myself.

When I Say I Am a Christian
Carol Wimmer - (C) 1988

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost"
That is why I chose this way

When I say "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need someone to be my guide

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting I have failed
And cannot ever pay the debt

When I say "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are too visible
But God believes I'm worth it

When I say "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
Which is why I seek His name

When I say "I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge
I have no authority
I only know I'm loved


I'm A Christian
Maya Angelou

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'!"
I'm whispering "I was lost..."
"Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say "I'm a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou...
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

The Winds of Change.

Updated. Again:
So, lots of changes here. One of which involves removing the music that used to play. I did it to make things load more smoothly. You can vote to keep it gone or to bring it back (poll is located on the lefthand side of the blog). Because really - the music is for you, the reader. Let me know - you've got a week!

On another note - I plan to take a slightly different direction in coming months - one that is more reader focused. When I originally started this blog, it was about me. And me only. I had no intention of ever sharing it with anybody other than my writing teacher who had requested that all of us in the class do so. Then, my grandma was killed and it became an outlet as I worked through grief unlike anything I'd known. Then it moved on to being just random snippets.

Now, I'd like it to transform again. I want to address things that you, the readers, want to know about. I'm not a teacher, preacher, or anything else. Just a woman. Who loves her God. And longs to bring Him glory through the words I write. SO... if there is an issue you'd like to see addressed, something you'd like to say, or you'd like to request prayer, leave me a comment or send me an e-mail (use the link on the right) - I'll get back to you as soon as I can. :)

Updated:
Okay. I'm not done. But I am done - it is way too late for me to be up. I'm fighting with how to make my widgets have their own border and color. I figured it out before, but now something is amok. Oh well... that's for later. :)

Original:
I'm about to make some major changes to the layout of this blog... I apologize in advance for the fact that it's going to look pretty shabby for a few hours - but I promise that it will look good when I'm done. :)

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I was up with the sun. It was so beautiful, that I had to wake up my husband to show him. This is what we see in the mornings, from our bed. We are so blesssed!

Moving on - yesterday was mostly unproductive. I did accomplish one thing, though. You see, we have two salamanders. We got them when we were helping some people move - they were hanging out by their basement door. When we got them, they were about four inches long and very unhealthy in appearance - gray, skinny, dry, wrinkly... just generally "unfit."

They live in an aquarium. Which, after we moved, they totally trashed. Dug up the plants, put dirt in the water, generally mucked it up. So yesterday, I spent about five hours redoing it. I'm pleased with how it turned out. I think they are too.

I did make them a couple hide-outs - one for in the water and one for out of the water. But they aren't in the pictures (obviously).

I guess it's just a week for redoing things, eh?

A Picture. A HAPPY Picture.

Nice picture, eh? I was sitting here today, wishing I could find something to do that would be at least semi-productive. So I decided to brows through the pictures on my flashcard that haven't been downloaded.

When I did that, I found this picture:

I saw some potential with it, but nothing fantastic. But... as all true PaintShop (or PhotoShop) addcits will do... I decided to play a little bit. So, Play I did.

This is what I came up with:

If you want some information on how to turn this:

into this:

You can head on over to MckMama's Blog. She's got some pretty great photography posts. And I am too lazy just now to do anything of the sort. So I'm passing the baton, or something. Head over, check it out, and learn. :)

Nope. Not Me. Not Today.

So MckMama..." is a phrase frequently uttered in our home, by myself and my husband. MckMama is one of those rare people who lets herself be seen by others. She lets us see her as she follows Christ - flaws and all.

Each week, MckMama hosts a blogfest called "Not Me Monday." Not Me Monday is, in a nutshell, a no-cost-involved self-therapy program designed for people like me. It gives those who participate full license to disclose all of those details that we usually keep carefully hidden. It also allows us (the participants) to read about all of the things that other people definitely did *NOT* do this past week.

So here are my "Not Me Monday's." Be sure to head on over to MckMama's Blog to check out more, that are probably more entertaining than mine could ever be.

1. I am an not the co-owner of an actual, real-life house. Because my husband and I didn't sign on the loan and title on Friday. And my dad didn't take us traipsing around in the woods to celebrate, and then buy us yummy food. Nope. Not me.
   
2. If that had happened, though, I certainly wouldn't have doggedly carried my camera with me. While hiking through weeds on steep hillsides. Wearing flip-flops. No. I don't do that.
   
3. But... if I were to ever do such a thing, the highlight of the evening definitely would not have been the biggest millipede I have ever seen... except for on tv, of course. But if that were all true, that millipede would have looked something like this...
   
4. I am not seriously lacking in the "Not Me" category. Because I don't work for a place that doesn't want me blogging about work. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't spend vast quantities of time there, so much so that I feel like it's where I live.
   
5. I am not cutting this post short in deference to my husband. Who is finding the noise and intensity of this storm a bit intimidating in regards to household electronics. I can tell he's not used to weathering storms while on top of a ridge...

Forgiveness.

I have wrestled with this post for quite a while. I’ve prayed. I’ve studied. And I’ve prayed more. And then I’ve chickened out, not posted it. I’ve argued with God, using the logic that I’m not a teacher. Not a preacher. And truthfully, I’m not. As long as I’m being truthful… I don’t always pray over what I post. Actually, I rarely do. I should – after all, I have no idea who will be reading, or how much it will impact them. And so I should be carefully guarding what is said here.

But that’s not the point I’m getting at.

I’m addressing forgiveness.

As a believer, I am called to forgive. It doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t get around that fact. I’m going to start with Galatians 6, verse one.

“Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.”

It’s time for transparency. I’ve seen people slip into sin. I’ve watched it happen, and thought to myself, “How could they? How does a person get so far off track?” I’ve watched people get snared and done nothing to help. I’ve smugly stood by and let them fall, while being grateful that I would never fall for that. The truth is, I may not ever fall for the same thing. If I don’t, it isn’t by my own might or power, but by the grace and power of God working in me.

Even so, for the most part, I don’t really have a hard time forgiving people if they sin – especially when it doesn’t really have anything to do with me.

Ephesians 4:31-32: Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Just as Christ has forgiven me. I am to forgive just as He has forgiven. Do you know what that means? There are things I have done that only God and myself know about. Things that I shudder to think could ever be discovered by another human. Christ forgave me for those things. The worst I have ever done, and the worst I will ever do, He has forgiven. And that is how I am to forgive others.

Okay. So when that person cuts me off in traffic, I am supposed to forgive them. Got it. I’m good with that. In fact, it’s rather easy. When else? When someone says they’ll be there, and they never show, I’m supposed to forgive them. Okay… not as easy as the traffic thing, but I can do it. No problem. Someone lies to me, steals from me, hurts me physically? Yep, you guessed – I am supposed to forgive them. It’s getting harder and harder, but I can still do it.

But why?

Colossians 3:13 – Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.

Okay. That’s right… He forgave me. He knew that not only would I sin before I “got saved” – I’d sin afterwards, too. And He knew that there would be days when I’d neglect to even say a quick “thank you.” He knew all that, and He forgave me anyway. Because of that, I am supposed to forgive others when they do wrong to me.

Okay.

Speaking of not even taking the time to say “thank you”… have you ever prayed the Lord’s prayer? I have. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve prayed that section of scripture.

“Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”

Um… has that phrase ever arrested your attention? Because it’s sure got mine. Jesus Himself told me to pray that. To ask God to forgive me as I forgive others who sin against me. I’ve done it, too. I’ve prayed those words more times than I can count. It’s the next verses that get to me though…

Okay, not the “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for Thine is the Kingdom, power, and glory forever” part. That’s in verse 13 of Matthew 6. Do you know what verses 14 and 15 say? I do. I can’t get away from them; can’t get them out of my head.

“For if you forgive people their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment, neither will the Father forgive you.”

Think about that.

Does it do the same thing to you that it does to me? Does it make you stop and really think? Does it make you cringe? Are there things that come to mind that you just can’t fathom forgiving?

I’m going to be very honest right now. There is one particular person who hurt me. Not a little and not just one time. The pain inflicted was physical and emotional, and in many ways is still with me today. I’m not going to say who, or how, or when. I will say this, though… I have been wrestling and struggling with Matthew 6:14 and 15 for years because of it.

It’s hard to forgive someone the first time they hurt you. Harder still the next time. But what about when you can no longer keep track of how many times they’ve done the same exact thing? What do you do when what they did invades your life – impacting your thoughts, your dreams, your relationships with other people, and even your walk with God? Then how do you forgive?

Can I keep being honest?

You can’t. Or at least, I can’t. Not without God’s help. But what if you already have that? What if you’ve prayed, you’ve asked God to help you, and you truly want to forgive?

The rest of this post is going to come straight from my heart. I am going to share what I have done, what I have learned, and what forgiveness actually looks like in my life. As you read, I pray that God would speak to your heart – and that you’d be willing to listen.

I’ve been wrestling. Struggling. I’ve stayed up late at night, risen early in the morning. I’ve gotten help from other people – people who are older, wiser, and have walked with God a lot longer than I.

There is someone I needed to forgive. Someone I didn’t want to forgive. But no matter how many Bibles I opened, I couldn’t find one that didn’t say I needed to forgive. I couldn’t imagine how I was to do this, and really, I didn’t even know what, exactly, it was that I was trying to do. As I’ve sought God, as I’ve been helped by others and spoken to through His Word, there are some very important things I’ve learned about forgiveness.

First, I need to forgive the person. The focus here is on the person who hurt me. It’s not on the hurt me, but on the person. A human being. Someone with flesh and blood. Someone who, in spite of whatever it is that they’ve done (or not done), is loved by God. Someone with a heart that beats within his or her chest. Someone who laughs, who cries. Someone who has known the depths of despair and the heights of love. Someone who will live, forever. When you strip away everything temporary, this person is no different from any of the rest of us. He or she knows fear, anger, betrayal… every pain that they have given to others, they’ve received themselves. For all I know, they’ve endured things I can’t even begin to imagine. Even if they haven’t… I need to forgive. The person.

The next thing to really speak to me was the notion that this person, like any other person, had the potential to spend eternity in Hell. The realities of hell are too horrific for me to comprehend. Absolute agony, more intense than anything anyone here on earth can even begin to imagine. Total and utter darkness. Complete separation from God, with no hope of reunion. An absolute absence of hope, of love, of peace, of joy. Being more alone than is possible here on earth. Forever. No end. This is what we all deserve. It is what we have earned. But I’m not going there, and you don’t have to either. Jesus has paid the price. And really, truthfully… if the love of God really is in me – if I really have chosen to follow Him – then I can’t wish that for anybody.

Once that sank in, I started to pray for this person. To pray that if they haven’t made that choice – if their eternal destiny right now is hell – that they’d repent. That somehow, someone or something would get through to them. It’s urgent. Important. Infinitely important. Honestly, I’d prefer that this person had never been a part of my life. But they were. And they are. So when I think of them, I pray. Because whether I would have chosen to know him or her, life has dictated that I do.

Once those two things had really solidified for me, I was stuck. I didn’t wish any ill for this individual. I didn’t intend to do anything untoward to them. I was even praying for his or her salvation. But it wasn’t quite enough, and I knew it. There was still one question burning in my mind: what is forgiveness? How do I know if I’ve done it? I think I have, but… what if I haven’t?

One thing that made me wonder was the fact that I still find myself feeling angry, hurt, and several other “negative” emotions that are directed toward this person. I asked myself, “If I had really forgiven him or her, would I still feel this way?”

Turns out, the answer is yes. Stay with me – I promise to explain further. But for now, I’m going to keep going.

I also wondered, what if I do sometimes find myself tempted to act… ahem, ungodly, toward this person? Then what?

It turns out that I’m actually still human, and still susceptible to those things that afflict us humans. It also turns out that the love of God constrains me… and as time goes by, the temptation is lessening. I don’t know if it will ever be gone completely – but I have learned that it doesn’t have anything to do with whether I’ve forgiven.

The next thing I found myself wondering, I actually took to my Pastor. I kept thinking about someone else that I struggled to forgive – and succeeded. I have since developed a desire to be with that person. I enjoy his or her company, and I even seek it out. But this other person? I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to talk to them. I really would be okay with going the rest of my life and never having any contact again. How does that line up with forgiveness?

Let me give you the example my Pastor gave to me. Suppose someone were to threaten him (my Pastor) at gunpoint? What if they told him they were going to kill him and his family? Then, suppose they went to prison. Thirty years later, Pastor has forgiven them, but they still haven’t repented. If Pastor never wants to see them again, does this mean he hasn’t forgiven them? No. It means he doesn’t want to be shot and killed. It means he wants to protect himself. And he wants to protect his family.

Then we talked about what forgiveness is.

Forgive… from the words “fore” and “give.” To give. Prior to, in advance of, or in the absence of. Forgiveness, while associated with repentance, is given independently of that repentance.

It isn’t between me and the individual – it is between me and God. It is an attitude of the heart, and the reason I do it is because of what God did for me – not because of anything this individual has or could do.

Forgiveness doesn’t have anything at all to do with my emotions. If I am still wrestling with anger, hurt, fear… that doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven. It just means that I’m human.
Forgiveness also has nothing to do with trust. Pastor gave another example here.

Suppose you have a man who is a convicted child molester, who has been “clean” for twenty years. He has repented of his way, and given his life to the Lord. He comes into our church. Will we let him? Absolutely. He can come to church. He can serve – in some areas. He can worship with us, sit in services, and come to the altar whenever he wants. But that man will not be allowed to serve anywhere in our children’s ministry. If a child goes into the bathroom, and the man then gets up and goes in as well – someone will follow. He will be watched. Does this mean we don’t forgive him? Of course not. It just means we don’t trust him.

Lastly, forgiveness doesn’t mean that what was done is okay. It doesn’t mean that what happened is forgotten, and it doesn’t mean that it would be acceptable for the individual to repeat previous actions. It does mean that I am releasing that person from whatever they owe me. Or whatever I think they owe me. It means that I don’t expect them to give me anything.

It means that I can say, “Yes. That was wrong. No, I don’t trust you. No, I don’t particularly care to be with you. But, you don’t owe me anything. I am moving forward, and as far as I am concerned, any debt you have is between you and God.”

Today, I took another step down this road called forgiveness. I prayed, and asked God to help me do it.

And then I wrote. I wrote down the things that I felt this person had taken away from me. And the things I felt this person had given me wrongly. And I wrote that today, I absolve this person of all he or she owes – both what I would have kept, and what I would prefer to never have received. I am letting it go of it all, and I will not pick it back up.

I signed it. Dated it.

And then, I ripped the sheet into three pieces. One piece with what this person “took” from me. One piece with what this person “gave” me. And one with that statement of forgiveness.

The piece with what he or she had taken away? I prayed over it, listing each item. “Lord… this person took away these things. I am releasing his or her obligation to give them back. I know it is a debt that cannot be repaid, but even if it could, I would not require it. I forgive him or her.” And then I ripped that paper up until all that was left was a pile of tiny pieces.

Then I moved on. “Lord, these things that have been left with me? I release him or her from any responsibility to remove them. I trust that You will do whatever needs to be done with what is left, and I forgive him or her.” I made another pile of tiny pieces of paper.

After taking a minute to contemplate what this really meant, I pushed the pieces into one pile. I took one last piece of paper – a scrap that had ended up being empty. I wrote “I forgive” on the piece of paper.

I put it on top of the pile.

And now? Now, there is nothing more than little scraps. I can’t make out any of the things that were taken, and I can’t make out any of the things that were “given” to me. All I can make out is forgiveness.

Yes, the pain is still there. And no, I don’t trust the person. No, I don’t even like the person. And this person may very well have to face consequences for what was done. But he or she owes me nothing. Nothing. Because I forgive.

Will you?

The Fact of Sin - and The Gift of God

We are – by nature – sinful. I know that it’s not popular to say so. I can understand that. None of us like to be reminded of what we’ve done, what we’ve said. We’d rather keep those thoughts a secret, and it would suit us better if those whispered words stayed behind closed doors. I’m sure none of us would object if it were possible to make sure that every hidden sin stayed hidden – forever. But that’s just not the way it is.

Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God.

I am part of the “all” in this verse. Are you? (hint: the correct answer here is “yes”). There has only been one, ever, who has lived a life completely free of it. That One was Jesus Himself. The Son of God. Nobody else has ever succeeded – could ever succeed – in living completely without sin. So, where do we go from here?

We have several options.

We can choose to ignore the fact that we fall short. We can tell ourselves that we are good. Maybe we’re “better” than the people around us, and because of that… well, maybe because of that, God will accept us. Maybe, in spite of our imperfection, we’re good enough. And maybe, since we’re better than a lot of people, we’re actually okay. Right?

Romans 3:9 – Well then, are we superior and better off than they? No, not at all. We have already charged (determined, seen) that all men, both Jews and Gentiles, are under sin, held down by and subject to its power and control. As it is written, “None is righteous, just and truthful and upright and conscientious, no, not one."

Romans 3:27,28 – So do we have a reason to brag about ourselves? No! And why not? It is the way of faith that stops all bragging, not the way of trying to obey the law. A person is made right with God through faith, not through obeying the law.

Hmm. I guess that means maybe we are in trouble. Maybe we really are being held captive by this sin. Maybe we need help. And maybe, if we really consider it, we really aren’t good enough.

But where does that leave us? What can we do? If we are sinners, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that, what hope do we have?

Romans 3:21-22, 2 – But God has a way to make people right with him… …and He has now shown us that way which the law and the prophets told us about. God makes people right with Himself through their faith in Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 1:7-8 – In Him (Christ) we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

Romans 5:20 – All that passing laws against sin did was produce more lawbreakers. But sin didn’t, and doesn’t, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it’s sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that’s the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life – a life that goes on and on and on.

Okay. So, He made a way. He made a way for sin not to utterly destroy us. That’s great news, right? But what do we do with it? How do we make it work? How do we use it?

Colossians 2:11 – Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It’s not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you’re already in – insiders – not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin.

Romans 3:22-25 – God makes people right with Himself through their faith in Jesus Christ. This is true for all who believe in Christ, because all people are the same. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of God’s glorious standard, and all need to be made right with God by His grace, which is a free gift. They need to be made free from Sin through Jesus Christ. God sent Him to die in our place to take away our sins. We receive forgiveness through faith in the blood of Jesus’ death…

What receiving forgiveness look like? What does this “faith” look like, and how do we do it?

1 John 1:9 – If we freely admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just, true to His own nature and promises, and will forgive our sins, dismiss our lawlessness, and continually cleanse us from all unrighteousness – everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action.

It really is that simple. If you’ve already “done this” – if you’ve given yourself to Him, if you’ve accepted His sacrifice, you already know. You know the peace, the joy… the hope. If you haven’t done this, if you haven’t accepted this gift, will you do it today? Will you do it now?

Do you believe that God is God? Do you believe that Jesus Christ of Nazareth is His Son? Do you believe that Jesus came to earth as the fully human, and yet fully God, child of a virgin girl? Do you believe that He was crucified on a cross, and He died to pay the price for every sin that had been and ever would be committed? Do you believe He was laid in that borrowed tomb, and three days later, rose from the dead? Do you believe? Will you take that chance?

If your answer is yes, I would ask that you do something about it right now. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. I invite you to stop everything else you are doing and give these next few moments to the King of all eternity.

Will you?

Let’s pray together…

“Lord, I know I have sinned. I’m not perfect. It’s easy for me to think I’m better than other people. Easy to hope that maybe I really am “good enough” to make it without You. But I know that’s not true. I know that I really cannot do this myself. I know that I’ve messed up in the past, and I know I’ll do it again.

I’m flawed Lord. I’m incomplete, broken, and unable. Thank You for helping me to see that. But Lord, You said that there is a way for me. You said that if I confess my sins, you’ll forgive me.

I’m confessing them now, Lord… confessing the lies I’ve told, the hatred I’ve let grow inside me. I’m confessing the hurtful words I’ve said, the promises I’ve broken, and the pride I have inside. All of it Lord, I’m confessing. I don’t want to stay the same – I want to honor You.

You said in Your Word (Romans 10:9-10) that if I will believe in my heart and confess with my mouth, I will be saved. I do believe. I believe that You are the Son of God. That you died on the cross for my sins. That you were put in the tomb, and three days later, you rose again. And I believe that sacrifice paid for my sins – the sins I’ve already committed, and the sins that I know I will commit in the future.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for loving me. For saving me. I am giving myself to you today, knowing that I can’t ignore you any more. I am trusting you to save me, to make me whole, and to wash away the stains that my sins have left on me. I know that some things will have to change, Lord, but I also know that You are with me. I know that You will help me, and will show me the way.”