This could very well be my last day here in the hospital. That would be fantastic, you know. I'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, though. I may go home to resume all activity, or maybe I'll go home for more bed rest. If it's the bed rest thing, I'm going to stay in the same place I spent my high school years, simply because everything is on one floor. Or maybe I'll stay here on total bed rest still. Or stay, but with "bathroom privileges." Really no idea.
Today has been a rough one as far as feeling just... crummy. I ache everywhere - all my muscles and joints. My head is pounding, stomach rolling. Foot has gone completely numb to the touch, but still feels constant pins and needles. Donor site is super sore - had to rip the bandage away so it isn't getting brushed, and even then... my skin twitches and it almost makes me yelp.
Yes, I used the word yelp.
Have been being a jerk today as far as company goes - haven't wanted any. A friend who works here stopped in, and it was good to see her, but... over all, I want to be alone. Completely left to my own devices and quiet and peace.
I have to figure out supper, and to be honest... I think I just want oatmeal and strawberries and yogurt and bacon. Not a typical "supper" but it's about the only thing that doesn't turn my stomach at the mere thought of eating it.
There is also that hot fudge and marshmallow sundae down the hall in the freezer for me. But that's not "healing food," it's just yummy.
The nurse just came in and did a "mental health assessment." She doesn't seem to know what to do with the answers I gave her (honest answers). Is it really that unusual for a patient to come in with PTSD and also be in the middle of some serious depression?? Here's to hoping she doesn't page some random on-call person for me to talk to. Blech - who really wants a stranger to talk to, ya know?
Prayer requests today - I don't want to stay here any longer than absolutely necessary. I don't want these aches and sweats and chills and new pain and new numbness to mean anything actually bad. That this is just a normal healing progression. Otherwise, I'll check back in tomorrow and let you all know the verdict - home, here, what can I do, all that jazz.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Last Day?
Friday, May 14, 2010
It's a Heaven Day Today
Today is post-op day 3. That means that the day after tomorrow, I may get to go home. Which would be fantastic.
However, having spent the last five months fighting to get this thing healed up, I am not going to argue with anything the surgeon says or recommends.
For the most part, the care I have received here has been phenomenal. The therapist who leads my DBT group stopped by to give me the homework from the group I missed. The psych. nurse who assists with that group came down today and spent nearly an hour - it was actually quite helpful.
My psychiatrist has been in at least twice every day, making sure that as my body gets all wonky from the surgery, the psych meds are adjusted as needed. Have had a few nurses and/or nurse's aids who are rather bitter that my "bed rest" does not involve a catheter or bedpan. Not sure why - it's less work for them this way, and it's definitely less traumatic for me. If the surgeon had not agreed to the modification, the psychiatrist would have prescribed some pretty serious sedatives.
Plus there's the whole laptop that's been supplied for my use. And the fact that some friends have allowed me to borrow some of their movies.
I guess I don't really have anything else to update you with. The wrappings (half-cast and LOTS of padding) won't come off until Sunday, and we won't know if the graft took, or how well it took, until then. Can't say when I'll be home, because nobody knows.
But I do know that when I get there, my house will be amazingly clean. My wonderful aunt Barb came over today, and she worked hard (very hard, from what I hear) to make my homecoming easier and safer. Extremely grateful.
My grampa's sweet, dear sister Hazel has stepped into eternity to join that cloud of witnesses. Those of us still here will miss her, but truth is, she's never been better than she is now. Today is her heaven day.
Specific prayer requests - rapid regrowth of skin at the donor site, and rapid growth at the graft site. Less of the pins and needles sensation, less itching. And it'd be great if the really persistent and very uncomfortable aching in my tibia were to ease up a bit.
So, that's all I've got for tonight.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Day 2. Or 3. Depends how you view it.
Had my surgery early Tuesday afternoon.
There were no complications. The doctor wasn't able to do as much reconstructing as he wanted, but that is okay. He got the skin graft in place, put the biggest splint/bandage on my leg that I have ever seen, and is very optimistic that the graft will take.
I'm hooked up to a hospital grade Slurpee now, which is a pity. I miss my little one.
This bed rest thing... there are people who do this for months at a time and they stay sane. I don't get that. I suppose maybe if I were actually miserable, it wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the truth is, they've got my pain under control and I feel pretty great.
Fortunately, they do supply us with laptops to use. So I can tell you all in real time that I am doing well. Just ordered a late lunch (like 4 hours late - whoops). Will be taking a nap sometime shortly thereafter, unless the pigeons outside provide me with adequate entertainment. We shall see...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Scheduled Post #1
Today was the Big Day. As written on my pre-op orders, my surgeon performed, on "the lower right extremity," a "deep structure, muscular, and vascular reconstruction followed by a partial-thickness skin graft." I would imagine that right about now, I am in my hospital room either asleep or wishing I was. I'm receiving some pretty heavy duty antibiotics to fight the three bacteria that grew out in very large quantities on the last culture, and have formed obvious colonies in my wound. I've got a couple big whitish-yellow ones, and a couple big greenish ones. Or I should say, I had those. The surgeon removed them.
I can honestly say that while I doubt the next few weeks will be all that enjoyable, I am quite convinced that it is the right decision.
I'm not proud, but the wound was self-inflicted a long time ago. Toward the middle of January, actually. We are now pushing the middle of May. That's five months spent trying to deal with one stupid cut. I'm going to tell you a little bit more about it, just because I want to write it out for my own sake. And maybe some of you will read it and get the guts to stand up for yourself more effectively than I did.
The cut was deep - one of the deeper ones I've ever made. My bone was exposed, a muscle cut through nearly all the way, and an artery severed completely. My husband came home and found me with that and several other cuts, sitting on the floor in a daze. He called 911 - I think I asked him to. I had lost a lot of blood, and was scared. Very scared.
The nearest emergency room happens to be one we don't prefer, but when one calls 911, one loses the option to choose. Fortunately, they allowed me to call my regular physician to come in and do the repairs. He did an excellent job - I was able to walk when he was finished, despite the muscle damage.
I was admitted to the psychiatric unit of a different hospital. While there, nurses changed the dressing on my leg daily. After about a week, I noticed that one cut did not look quite right. I pointed it out to the nurse, and she assured me it looked fine. I know my body pretty well, and knew it didn't look "fine," but I let it go. The next day, it looked even more "off." I pointed it out again, with my husband present. She said that all wounds heal differently and it looked fine to her. The next day, the same thing. 12 days after the original injury, the sutures were removed. The wound looked swollen, was hot, and just a tiny bit pink. But I had no fever and there was no visible pus. I insisted, again with my husband and two nurses present, that it felt very much infected and asked that they please have a physician look at the wound. The nurse practitioner barely pressed on one end and the whole thing split, revealing the infection I had told them was present.
It took a month for the wound to close. Most of that month, I was in the psychiatric unit. I was accused of wound tampering and told that I was the reason for the infection. Cultures grew out bacteria normally found in fecal material, as well as some found in dirt, and some found exclusively in certain species of pet birds. In other words, the infection came from someone who just didn't do a good job of washing his or her hands.
After the scar was fully formed, my leg would frequently swell and get hot just below it. I was assured that that meant nothing. No problem. When yellow fluid began draining from the corner of that scar and from several others, I was told again that it was normal fluid and there was no issue. I let it go. Again.
Nearly a month passed, with constant drainage, swelling, and pain. I was assured by physicians (not mine - he was not yet cleared to see patients following a horrid accident) that it was fine. Told I was being a hypochondriac. My chart was noted that I was suspected to be a Munchhausen's patient. (Munchhausen's is a disease where patients make themselves sick in order to get attention from doctors. For the the record, I loathe having to go to the doctor. For anything.)
I woke up one morning with a leg that was grossly swollen, red, and hot. I had a fever, ached from head to toe, and couldn't stand even the brush of my pant leg against my leg. I emailed my doctor, and waited for the clinic to open. I was given a 2:30 appointment. When we got there, the doctor let us know that a surgeon was on his way over to look at it. Two hours later, I was wheeled into surgery and the abscess was drained. A wide, eye-shaped hole was left that went all the way down to the bone and muscle, to allow all of the "fluid" to drain. Wet-to-dry dressings were applied, that I changed out twice each day. After two weeks of no visible healing happening at all, the surgeon decided he'd order a wound V.A.C. Meanwhile, I noticed that there were little black spots forming inside the wound, around the edges mostly. He assured me that these were just dried spots of blood.
And then the whole thing turned black. As if someone had dumped tar into the wound. And the black started to spread. The surgeon took two days to believe me over the phone, and I came in a day early to get the wound V.A.C. put on. He was shocked to see that it really was black. Rather than do anything, though, he applied the V.A.C. (henceforth referred to as Slurpy) over the top of the eschar. He said he believed it would take care of itself.
Four days later, when I went back in for the dressing change, the necrosis and infection had spread dramatically. Went in the next morning for yet another operation, and stayed in the hospital for 6 days. The day I went home, the doctor applied a special dressing that contained silver. He said that would help kill off any micro-organisms. It started to sting and burn as soon as it was applied, and within two hours, I was in nearly unbearable pain. The doctor did not believe me, said that it was normal for it to burn a little. A nurse brought up Munchhausen's yet again. I asked to either be transferred or released so I could seek a second opinion.
By the next morning when I saw a physician in a wound clinic at a different facility, the reaction between my body and the silver had enlarged the hole in my leg considerably. I was in absolute agony. I was angry, tired, and barely able to think. The dressing was removed, taking with it all of the granulation tissue that had formed during my 6 days in the hospital, as well as the facia over one of my muscles. Fortunately, the exposed nerve stayed intact. The nurse dumped saline into the wound, over and over. Each time, it briefly stung but the agony lessened. By the time she was done, it felt just like it should - sore, a bit of stinging, some aching... nothing even remotely unbearable. The wound doctor looked at the wound and photographed it. Noted that my tibia was exposed. Noted that there were areas of necrosis that went deep into one of the muscles. Noted the exposed nerve. Noted the end of a vein that had been severed by the last surgery. And then referred me to a plastic surgeon.
He took more photographs, looked at the wound more. Talked to me about the fact that he was pretty sure the wound would not heal without significant intervention. Scraped away some colonies of bacteria. Burned away a bit of necrosis. Flushed everything out with saline. Put Slurpy back on, with a normal slurpy sponge. And scheduled today's reconstruction and skin grafts.
The point here? If you know, and I mean absolutely know something is wrong in your body, don't let a doctor or nurse blow it off. I did, and here I sit five months later, waiting to have major surgery and praying that everything can be achieved in one operation. I am on narcotics, and have been for the last three months. I have three types of bacteria that are not antibiotic resistant, and yet continue to colonize the gaping hole in my leg. And if that first nurse, the one who said all wounds heal differently, had listened... well, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. Had it been treated correctly way back in January, all of this would have been avoided.
Speak up folks, and be loud.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Lest You Doubt
Lest you doubt the advisability of my last Slurpy venture... when I spoke with the nurse today, she said that as long as I changed things out, and not the ER, then it was fine and I was good to go.
Meaning...
I NEVER have to feel the feeling of that stupid sponge ripping away from my muscle again. EVER. I'll be asleep when they do it tomorrow, and then... home free.
WOOT!
Tonight, the eve of my "lower extremity reconstruction," I am finding myself surprised. Because I am not nervous, afraid, angry, or feeling guilty (since it originally started with self harm). I am feeling sad. Incredibly, amazingly sad and I hate it. I am not very good at emotions. Usually, I block them out and try not to feel them. My therapist says I'm supposed to knock that off though, so I guess I have to just... well, feel sad.
And wonder why.
There's the obvious Mother's Day thing, but I don't think that's it. Hmm....
Now it is off with me to have an almost-midnight snack (10 chicken nuggets, lots of mac and cheese, and some corn) true to pre-op tradition. :) Or should I say :*(
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Bad Slurpy and Bad Jenn
So, when I was given Slurpy, I was also given instructions as to the proper procedure if Slurpy stopped... well, slurping.
Step one, check for leaks. I checked for leaks. None found. Applied an extra layer of the plastic film that seals everything, just in case there really was a leak and I couldn't find it. Still no slurping.
Step two - change the canister on the machine, in case it's clogged and can't slurp. Considering the bacteria growing around the opening, that seemed pretty logical to me. Changed the canister and temporarily bumped the pressure to 200. Still extremely limited slurping.
Step three, is supposed to be take a new sponge and hose to the emergency room and have them reapply them. This is not a step I followed. It would cost $125. We have been told that in that case, we should be prepared for a mediocre dressing. One that may or may not hold up until the next appointment. SO....
I changed my own Slurpy sponge. Used lots of rubbing alcohol to make things sterile, was very careful to use plenty of DuoDerm to protect my skin. Made sure the hose has adequate contact with the sponge. Very carefully trimmed the sponge with clean hands and sterile (well, rubbing alcohol soaked) scissors. Very carefully secured the sponge so it wouldn't move when I put on the big sheets of plastic. Applied the sheets carefully, and then used more rubbing alcohol to clean the ends of the hose where it connects together.
And you know what? Slurpy is slurping along happily. The dressing looks GREAT, and since it's 11:00 on Saturday night, I think I can skip my Monday dressing change. I'll call Monday morning and ask. But... if they go for it, this will be the LAST dressing change for Slurpy that I am awake for. Well, I'll have Slurpy in the hospital, too, but it will be a different kind of foam that won't stick at all.
Only a couple things that concerned me. One is the amount of necrosis... the old spots have grown, there's some new ones, and there's a bunch under one edge of the wound. There's also a couple obvious bacterial colonies. Hopefully the antibiotics will take care of that, but if not, the surgeon said he can simply remove some of the flesh from underneath and it will be fine. Slurpy keeps things moving out, not burrowing in, so it's a little different than an actual "infection" of the wound would be. Otherwise, things looked good - lots of granulation tissue is growing, so my leg should hopefully not look too stupid once it's done healing.
And that's all for tonight folks.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Update. Again.
So, you may remember that just over a week ago, I posted a link to this picture (as well as several that were a little more graphic):






I am currently at home. Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, May 11th. I will get a call tomorrow to let me know whether or not I need to come in prior to my surgery date for premedication. The latest cultures of my wound have shown a particularly resistant strain of pseudomonas. Dr. B. has to go back to the infectious disease specialists to find out if they think that IV meds during and after the surgery will be sufficient, or if they think I should come in early for IV meds.Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
You'll notice that there are red lines around the wound - those lines are where the living tissue meets the dead tissue. It's bright red there and extremely sensitive. And that's all I've got to say about my leg today.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Today's Appointment.
Today did not go how I expected. On Wednesday, I was told that I'd be having all the dead flesh cut out today. Using only a local, and no sedation. This would be okay as far as pain goes - I can handle that. But it would have caused horrific flashbacks.
Today, w showed up and the surgeon informed us that the "line of demarcation" (which is the line where the dead flesh meets living flesh) hasn't clearly defined itself yet. So he put the wound vac on without removing any of the dead flesh. Meaning no pain for me! Well, some, but not much.
I'm a little confused by this, as it does say in the little instruction book that if there is necrotic tissue with an eschar present, the wound vac should not be used until the eschar has been completely removed. BUT... I will trust him on this one. His plan is to see me back in clinic on Tuesday, and if the necrosis (and the related eschar) have grown/spread, I'll have to go back into surgery. He wants to avoid that at all costs, so we will see how things go on that front.
Meanwhile, I did talk briefly with him about the reasons he cannot remove the dead flesh with a local or even spinal anesthetic, and he's agreed that if it comes down to removing things, I will be put under general anesthesia.
So I am very grateful for today's outcome.
The wound vac itself is silly - it's like having to carry around a purse. And it makes little gurgles and slurpy sounds. And there's almost no pain in the wound itself since the vac was applied. It fits perfectly inside my boot - I just leave the top a bit looser so the hose isn't digging into my leg at all. It's weird walking - I can feel the hose brushing my leg, and I'm just not used to having things like that hanging down inside my pants. :) The doctor was optimistic, I think, and I am going to choose to go with his optimism.
His one concern was the fact that there have been five cultures done on this wound (well, two on the original and three on the surgical one). The original cultures showed 5 kinds of bacteria, one exclusive to parrots and one "hospital bug." Obviously, someone doing my wound care didn't do a good job of washing his or her hands. Anyway... the post-surgical cultures have been growing only tiny quantities of unidentifiable organisms. In other words, no obvious infection. However, the surgeon agrees with me that it acts like infection and more importantly smells like infection. So I'm on some very high-dose antibiotics right now in an effort to stop the spread of tissue death. My God, He is God. I know I will be well and whole again. I know I will keep my leg. I know I will return to full health.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Surgeon Says...
So, as some of you may know, I've been on the phone with a man who is not my husband an awful lot lately. His name is Dr. T, and he is my surgeon. I struggled for two days to convince him to see me, because my leg wound was turning black. He kept saying it was fine, that it wasn't really black. Actually, my description yesterday was "the middle is black, and the skin radiating out from the edges is mottled yellow and green and brown and black."
I've got a picture of what I was trying to describe. It's a bit... graphic. So if you're squeamish, do not click on the link below.
Click here to see what my leg looked like on April 20th
However, after my husband saw what it looked like, he called the surgeon himself and got me an appointment. Went in, had to wait 45 minutes, and the surgeon came in. He looked at it and I promise, he did a double take. He apparently really didn't think it was actually black. He thought that we were seeing blood clots or something of the sort. No, not so much.
He scraped away at the tissue he described as "dead" and then scraped some more. Then he got giddy, and called it a word I can't remember. And then the bomb got dropped - it was actually my fault. The cutting I did in January (haven't done any since before the last time I was hospitalized, by the way) has really hindered my superficial blood supply. The wound he made to treat the previous tissue death, inadvertently removed the blood supply for much of the surrounding skin/tissue as well.
Because of that, the skin, and the tissue beneath, has died. It looks gross. Smells worse than it looks. And it creeps me out. He said it's okay - that it will be self-limiting and should be about done progressing. On Friday, his plan is to keep me wide awake, use only a local anesthetic, and remove the tissue that has died. Time for a little baring of my soul, so to speak... that absolutely, thoroughly terrifies me. So if you pray for me, please, PLEASE pray for peace as I go in Friday morning. Once all of the dead tissue is removed, he will be putting a wound vac on. I haven't researched this yet, so if anybody has had one, or knows much about them, please share.
After all his scraping and carrying on, I don't think my leg looks any better at all. I think it looks worse, to be honest. But here is what it looks like today. Again, if you are squeamish, do NOT click the link below.
Click here to see what my leg looked like on April 21st
So, that's my update for those of you (and there have been quite a few) who have asked how my leg is.






I am a Christian. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I have babies in heaven. I take pictures. Love to write. I strive to show compassion.
Derek is also a Christian. He is a husband - to me. An amazing husband. He loves intensely. Laughs freely. He is strong. I am amazed when I consider that he chose ME. I love him. He loves me.
This is my Gramma. Eileen. Of everyone I have ever known, she is the one I desire to be like. She was wildly compassionate. Generous. A woman of integrity. Goofy. Cute. My hero. She is in Heaven.
Bayleigh is intense. She is small. She is beautiful. Sweet. Wild. Mischevious without limits. And she chirps.
Furbis is the epitome of catness. He is handsome. Big. Sweet. Dangerously intelligent. Strong. He breaks things. And talks.
Calliah is special. Furbis chose her. She is sweet. Not very smart. Funny. Pretty. Puts her toys in water. And the more she loves you, the harder she bites.
Izzy is super sweet. She's pretty. Passionate about playing. She licks things. She doesn't talk much. Snuggles a lot. And sleeps on my head.