Introducing Hank

My dad and his beautiful bride, Kelly, recently adopted a puppy.  His name is Hank.  I happen to think he's absolutely adorable.  He turned 10 weeks old on Friday the 4th.  I got to meet him yesterday for the first time.  Here are just a few pictures of the cuteness.

For the record, I've had puppy fever since I was 16 years old.  That's a LOT of years to really, really want something.  But so far, my life just hasn't been one that would be fair to a dog.  And until that changes, I'll simply have to make do with soaking up the puppy kisses from other peoples' dogs.

I'll be seeing hank again in about a week, so you can expect more photos soon. 

Not Ashamed

Psalm 34:1-5, Contemporary English Version:

I will always praise the Lord.  With all my heart, I will praise the Lord.  Let all who are helpless, listen and be glad.  Honor the Lord with me!  Celebrate His great name.  I asked the Lord for help, and he saved me from all my fears.  Keep your eyes on the Lord!  You will shine like the sun and never blush with shame.

 I have led a life that is far from perfect.  I have sinned, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes deliberately.  I've had experiences that filled me with intense shame.  But even the worst of it all fades away when my eyes are fixed on Him.  When my gaze is steadily on Him, His glory and holiness and the love He has for me over-rides my own perceptions and beliefs, and I see myself as He sees me.  I am redeemed, chosen, called.  I am his child.  And most of all, I am loved.

People can tell when I've got my eyes fixed on Him.  When my attention is on God, and His love for me, my face changes.  During those times, I get told repeatedly by others that I look so good, that they can tell I'm doing well.  When my gaze shifts, and I'm looking at the world or myself, people ask me what's wrong.  It's a spiritual principal with natural, tangible, visible evidence.

Where is your attention?  Where are your eyes fixed?  How can you tell?

I'm Alive

Ephesians 2:1-10, NIV

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.  All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts.  Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.  But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

This passage means so much to me.  I don't know about anyone else, but I know that I personally slip into legalism sometimes.  I'll do something I shouldn't do, or I'll neglect something I should do, and I'll start to feel un-saved.  It's just a feeling, but I know that if I don't counter it with scripture, it will take root in my heart, invade my thoughts, and if it continued unchecked, I would convince myself I was no longer saved at all.  My salvation causes obedience.  Obedience does not cause my salvation. 

What distortions do you battle in your own life, and what scripture do you use to contradict them?

It's Not About Me

I have a confession to make:  I have been chugging along, moving through life, and slowly, a lie has crept in.  That lie?  "I have sinned, therefor I am no longer blameless in God's eyes."  Yes, that lie really did try to find a place in me.  I wasn't aware of it; I just knew I had a vague discomfort and lack of trust.  It's only been through reading my Bible that that lie has become clear. 

Two verses really spoke to me, and are what made it clear to me that I've let an untruth start to take root.  1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 says,

God Himself - the God of peace - has sanctified me through and through.  My whole spirit, soul, and body will be kept blameless at the coming of my Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls me is faithful, and He will do it.

Did you catch that?  God Himself has sanctified me.  Not me.  It's not my works, it's His.  Don't let the devil sneak in and alienate you from God who loves you.  Don't be ashamed; be bold.  Know that HE will do it.

It's Been A Long Time

It's been well over a year since I last wrote here.  Life has a way of continuing even when all we want is for moments to linger.  So much has happened during these months away, and yet so little has changed.

One thing that has changed is my relationship with my in-laws.  Where it used to be choppy and disconnected, a certain ease and closeness is developing.  I am thankful for that, as they are truly beautiful people.

The PTSD symptoms have faded until recently.  I'm in the middle of some intense stuff.  It's exhausting to struggle this way, but I know that life is worth fighting for.  I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a loving church, and a competent therapist to help me through.  Most of all, my God has promised to never leave or forsake me.  And with Him on my side, I can't possibly fail.

I am hoping to get back to regularly updating here, but we will just have to see how it plays out over time.

With Hope

Grief.  That thing we feel when someone dear to us, steps into eternity.  That empty, hollow, overflowing feeling.  The way the world looks gray and dull when picturing it without our loved one there.  Most of us know the ache of waking that first morning, knowing it's your first full day without him or her.  Most of us know what it is to stand there in the cemetery, waiting for them to lower someone precious into the ground for a final time. 

But not all of us know hope.  Not all of us believe in heaven and eternal life.  That is the part I don't understand.  How does a person who has no hope, grieve and then move on?  Where do they draw their strength from?  How do they reconcile the death with the eternal nature of our spirits - something we know deep inside regardless of creed?

I believe in eternity.  I believe in Heaven.  I believe that my daughter and my other children are all there waiting for me.  I believe my Gramma is there, and that as we always talked about when I was growing up, she will meet me at the Eastern Gate.  I believe my great-grandpa Max is there.  My great-uncle Elmer.  My brother.

And it fills me with hope and anticipation.  The day is coming when I'll be reunited with them all, and I will never have to say goodbye again.

So I grieve, but with hope.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I have often pondered eternity.  In a way, I get it.  It's, like, forever.  It never ends.  It just goes on and on and on... but at the same time, I don't really get it.  How can something simply never cease?  But it's there, in my heart - I "know with my knower" that it's real.

And for today, that is what I am thinking about.  Where will you be spending your eternity?

It's Been Awhile

So, I have been very delinquent in the upkeep of this blog.

Why?

To be honest, I haven't felt like I have anything compelling to share.  But I do miss the writing, so I may just get back into the swing of things - time will tell.

Lately, I've had a barrage of medical problems.  First, a long battle with recurrent infection in my leg, followed by a brief break and then a battle with unexplained weight loss, followed by a bite from a deer tick (which I was unaware of, but I'll get to that in a moment), followed by a bite from a brown recluse spider which turned necrotic and now, two months in, is still healing, followed by waking up one morning with Bell's Palsy, followed by a positive Lyme test (hence knowing I got bit by a deer tick, and the high titer indicates it's been a while).  So now I am on steroids for the Bell's and antibiotics for the Lyme.  I have a 3 inch defect in my leg which is healing daily, but it's still taking it's time.  My right side of my face doesn't work right now - not my mouth, not my eye, not my forehead or my cheek.  I've got my eye taped shut as that's the only way to stop the constant burning and watering.

But in all this?  Yes, in all this, my God is faithful.  He hasn't left me or forsaken me.  He has done much good.  He protected my kidneys in the middle of a systemic reaction to the brown recluse bite.  He is healing the result of that bite quickly.  He kept me from fear when I woke up with half my face not functioning.  He allowed the steroids to work quickly to reduce the pain in the nerves of my face.  He had the doctor test for Lyme disease, of which I've had no other symptoms.  And He will continue to prove Himself faithful - it's how He is.

Deuteronomy 7:9

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

 

Psalm 71:22

I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, Holy One of Israel

 

Psalm 89:8

Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you

 

1 Corinthians 1:9

God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

Hebrews 3:6

But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory.

I'll be real honest with all of you.  In the last 45 days. 30 of them have involved prescription treatment for migraine headache.  when I get a migraine, it starts behind my right eye, wraps around my forehead and back into my temple.  it pulses and throbs and burns like you wouldn't believe, making me vomit from the pain alone.  then the light and sound sensitivity  and motion sickness kick in and the visual disturbances.  If I blessed, a dose of imitrex followed by a quiet, motionless nap    for about eight hours reduces the attack.  If not.... then I get to wait overnight before I can try again.

I have never experienced this type of intractable migraine.  I am applying for medical leave from work while my doctors and I sort things out.

please pray,

The Reason

In those days Caesar Agustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.  (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.)   And everyone went to t heir own town to register.   So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.   He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.   While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

 

 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”  So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.   When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.

Annaliah

My dearest Annaliah,

How I wish you were here.  On this day six years ago, you were expected to arrive.  We thought that this day (or one close to it) would go down as the day our lives were permanently altered for the better.  We thought we'd have a child - you - and that we'd have someone we were responsible for for the rest of our lives.  We had visions of holding you and dreams of sticky fingered hugs and slobbery kisses and heart warming giggles.  We had faith and hope and expectation.

Today, we don't have you.  We don't have any children living with us on earth.  We don't know what it is to get up at night with a crying baby or to struggle with a car seat or to have to put a child's needs above our own.  We don't know sticky fingers or slobbery kisses or giggles or smiles or cries of delight.  Your voice doesn't fill our home and your body doesn't fill our arms.

We are without you.

And it hurts.  It hurts to be without you.  It hurts to be "just us."  It hurts to not know parenthood.  I remember when you were on the way.  One day in particular stands out.  Your daddy and I were driving around, thinking about looking for a different apartment - one that would be better suited to life with a child.  We had a CD playing, from your Grandma Arlene.  The sound of children singing filled the car, and I smiled as I looked at your daddy.  We were both truly happy.

I miss that feeling.  The feeling of unquenchable joy mixed with anticipation and a hint of fear.  I miss knowing that regardless of what went wrong or right, in just a few short months we would have a child of our own.  I miss the way it felt like everything was going to be just fine.  Because since you've left, we've known a lot of heartache.  We've cried a lot and spent a lot of sleepless nights.  We've held hands as doctors deliver yet another negative report and we've scraped and scrambled to make ends meet so we could have just one more chance at parenthood.  We've weathered a lot of storms, sweet child, without you.

But this is temporary.  We will not spend eternity without you - we will spend it with you.  The day is coming when we will get where we are going.  And on that day, we will see you face to face.  We hold onto that hope and that dream, and it gives us light when everything around us looks dark and grim. 

You make heaven feel real.  You keep eternity on our minds and in our hearts.  Child of mine, even though I am without you, I am grateful for you.  You have changed me, and your daddy too.  We aren't the same and we never will be.  Even without you, we are with you. 

We love you.

Mommy

The Better Men

It isn't easy, life.  We struggle and fight for so much, and sometimes it seems worthwhile.  Sometimes it doesn't. 

I'm here to say, fight on. 

This life we lead, the freedom we enjoy, it wasn't cheap.  It didn't come easy... it didn't even come hard.  It came at the highest cost possible - human lives.  Sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives and lovers and friends.   Heroes, all.

I stand free because of them, and for that, I am truly thankful. 

Are you?

In My Dreams

During the day, I miss her.  My Gramma, that is.  I miss her every day.  I miss her when something is beautiful, I miss her when things get ugly.  I miss her when I smile and when I cry, and when I do well and when I fail.  When I feel like I am soaring high and when the weight of the world is crushing me, I miss her.

Growing up, she was part of every day.  Most of what I did, she was there and she was in the middle of.  I never really learned to let go of that.  The last time Derek and I drove away from their home, I said to remember and treasure that image, as it wouldn't last.  I had the idea that something was about to change, but I didn't really know at all.

I never would have guessed she was to be taken so abruptly from this world.  To think that a driver's carelessness would be the thing responsible for such a staggering loss... I just wouldn't have done it.  That's what happens to other people, not to me.  Not to her.  But despite being willing to give up everything to go back and change it somehow, with chilling finality, she was killed that day.

She's not dead though - not spiritually.  I know she lives and is rejoicing and dancing in heaven.  But until I join her there, she's gone from my world.  She can't tell me who to love or what to do or how to be, no matter how desperately I wish for her wisdom. 

But at night when I dream, I don't know that.  When I dream, she is alive and present.  Usually, in the dreams, I know she is dead and I know she can't be there... and yet, there she is.  She laughs and smiles and speaks, and we all act like it's perfectly natural for her to be doing those things.  I wish dream-hugs lasted after waking.  I wish I could retain that sense of wholeness and safety after sleep stops for the day.  Some mornings, I let myself sleep through my alarm just so I can have a little longer with her.

But in my dreams is just that... in my dreams.

The reality of it all is, the pain is real.  The alone is real.  The sadness and the lingering sense of shock and disbelief and the empty feelings... they are all real.  Even more real, though, is the fact that this isn't going to last forever.  I'll see her again, and it will be a forever reunion.  It's going to be the end of the pain, the end of the nightmares, the end of the loneliness.  THAT is the reality I try my hardest to focus on.

And in my dreams... in my dreams, I let myself have a reminder that this situation isn't exactly as it appears.

Without You

Dear Doctor F. and Nurses T., M., and D.:

I am writing to inform you that I intend to progress forward mostly without you.  My leg has no visible ulcerations and there is in fact no need for a dressing on it.  I am without fever, my white count is within acceptable limits, and I don't feel "punky."

So while I understand that this may be temporary and that setbacks are a very real possibility, perhaps even probability, for now... adios.

Thank you for the time and energy you've poured into me in the last five months (yes, five MONTHS of biweekly appointments, at a minimum; several of those months were three or more appointments weekly, and there was a large chunk of time where they were daily necessities).  I won't forget about it or you.

It's just that now, it's time to get back to the business of living.

Newness

It's weird how seldom I actually try NEW things.  Not just things I haven't done lately, or things I've considered and rejected previously, but entirely NEW things.

As  most of you probably know, I am not the "theater type" of person.  I lack the patience and desire.  OR at least, I used to.  This past weekend, a friend invited me to attend three plays with her, put on by  American Players Theater.  I knew I would like spending time with her, but I wasn't so sure about the plays.  Turns out, I had a lot of fun and actually really enjoyed watching the plays.  Unlike my suspicions, it was better than TV in person, which is what I expected it to be. 

So here's to new things.

NICIAW - Depression, PTSD, Arthritis, Ligament Damage

Ruth writes:

1. The illness I live with is: Depression, PTSD, arthritis and serious ankle ligament damage/foot bone spur from an old injury.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1995 onward's, various things diagnosed over the years. Injury happened in 1990, or 1991, can't quite remember.

3. But I had symptoms since: With the depression, looking back I realize I've suffered for as long as I can remember.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Not being able to hold down a job.

5. Most people assume: There is nothing wrong as none are immediately visible, although I use crutches a lot more these days.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting up and getting motivated, especially if I'm in a lot of physical pain, it does have a knock on affect.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: n/a.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My computer, linked to the internet, as they provides me with a way of connecting with people. Also, reading and music, so my Kindle and iPod.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Dealing with the insomnia, nightmares and pain control.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) - Two types of anti depressants, pain killers, one of two types depending on the level of pain. Sometime I also require sleeping tablets.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Have found Reiki useful in helping me relax.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: visible!

13. Regarding working and career: I had to give up work back in 1995, and again in 2006. I really miss it, and wish I could do more.

14. People would be surprised to know: How much physical and emotional pain I am in every day as I have got used to hiding it very well.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Not being able to work.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Have to courage to try and spread awareness by doing things like filling in this form.

17. The commercials about my illness: Can't say I've really seen any.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Riding horses.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Work and riding horses, and I had worked with animals professionally ..

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: None.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Treasure every moment.

22. My illness has taught me: To be patient with myself.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: 'It doesn't look/seem that bad.' Or a Doctor that once said. 'It could have been worse.' ... I think the only thing that is worse than being subjected to child abuse would have been if they had killed me!

24. But I love it when people: Say something spontaneously that make me realize I'm not 'lazy' and that I am justified in feeling like I do. Especially when it comes from somebody I have a huge amount of respect for. Happened last year, and whenever I need to remind myself that I am allowed to feel like this I remember what they said. was a very affirming moment.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: A quote from the After Silence store. 'You thought you'd destroy me, but you only made me stronger.'

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It does get easier to live with what you are going through, it takes time, be kind to yourself in the meantime.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How much people can wrongly assume what you are capable of.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Provided me with a safe haven.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It's time the barriers of ignorance were pulled down, and the only way to do that is to debunk the myths by speaking up about our experiences so people don't have the grounds to assume.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Hopeful that slowly people are recognizing that illness covers more than they perhaps realized before

NICIAW - Eczema, Asthma, Allergies

Kay writes:

1. The illness I live with is
Its chronic allergies really. I'm atopic with eczema, asthma and hayfever with allergies to soap, most cosmetic products, fragrances, colourants, dust, fur/feather bearing animals and even pineapple and kiwi fruits. Lately I seem to have added water to the list.
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year 1985

3. But I had symptoms since:
All my life.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:
Not using any soaps, perfumes or shampoos. I can only use detergents suitable for sensitive skins without added fragrances or fabric softeners.I also have a skin maintenance regime and need to walk with creams every where I go to keep my skin constantly hydrated so its less likely to break down. I also have a supply of a variety of gloves to use for household chores. I keep clothes that are worn close to the skin restricted to natural fabrics as is possible. This isn't easy when it comes to shopping for bras
5. Most people assume:
That because I don't use soap my hygiene must be bad. They also assume that the allergies can be ignored so they expect me to be volunteering to do the washing up when I visit them when they have not provided any protective wear for me. Its even worse when something needs cleaning up and they try to give me a soapy cloth to wipe things up. I can't touch that with my bare hands and not suffer for it.

6. The hardest part about mornings are:
If its a good day then there's the bath and body creamings to go through. On a bad skin day I'd see what damage I'd done whilst sleeping to my inflamed skin. I can sometimes scratch in my sleep which leads to bleeding. I've even put on cotton gloves as scratch mitts when things were really bad. A bad skin day can mean I also begin with unwrapping clingfilm bandages that covered the worse affected areas over night. I also have to hope that this latest bath doesn't leave me coming out stinging in pain from head to foot due to the latest reaction I'm having with water.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
Don't really have one

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
A washing machine. With all those creams I go through a lot of bed linen quickly. they do rub off on the sheets. I tried using the laundrette when my washing machine was broken and I was waiting to get a replacement. It was a nightmare

9. The hardest part about nights are:
On a good night its just creaming up and hoping its enough to keep most itching at bay. On a bad night itching may keep me awake. A bad skin day could mean putting on extra cream and doing the clingfilm bandage wrap over the worse affected area.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)
Its just the one extra strong antihistamine. Its all about the creams and bath oils for me. Thankfully I haven't had to use an inhaler for a while.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:
There's nothing available currently within my means or access.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose; A broken arm since it would heal and improve. People also wouldn't ignore it if it restricts/changes the way you do things.

13. Regarding working and career:
It does make it difficult for me to do certain jobs. I have tried and can only manage up to a certain limit.

14. People would be surprised to know:
That I adore animals especially the furry ones though I should stay away from them. My immune system isn't low.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:
Its not going to go away.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:
I haven't really explored that as yet.

17. The commercials about my illness:
The nearest I've ever seen is when they have the annual hayfever treatments ads there's nothing on skin stuff.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
This would be a bit after diagnosis, I miss having a pet I could pet
19. It was really hard to have to give up:
That'd be the furry pet again.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:
Hmmm that would be swimming and taking long walks. Swimming did help my lungs regarding the asthma. Though I may have to stop the swimming over the water thing now.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:
Have a bubble fight and be okay hugging someone who wore lots of perfume and body spray.

22. My illness has taught me:
There's more than one way of doing things

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:
Take more vitamins to boost your immune system. I am not malnourished and my immune system is not low its over active.

24. But I love it when people:
Don't spray around lots of air fresheners

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
I'll have to work on that one

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:
Start up a creaming regime and your good hygiene can still be maintained.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
It doesn't define me as a person.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Washed my dishes.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
Jen asked.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
OK

NICIAW - ADHD, Depression, Anxiety

Chantel writes:

My name is Chantel and I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in 2000 when I was 9 years old. I showed signs of having it at a much earlier age but it is sometimes hard to differentiate between normal childhood inattentiveness and hyperactivity versus true ADHD. I also struggle with depression and anxiety as these play hand-in-hand at times with the ADHD.

It had always been hard for me to follow even the simplest of instructions; not because I wasn’t smart or didn’t know how but because my brain couldn’t slow down enough to even hear the whole set of instructions. I would only get bits and pieces of information at a time because my attention would wander off and on, thus getting me into trouble. I could NOT pay attention if my life depended on it. While all the other kids were outside at recess I was inside doing homework or sitting in time out because I also was always getting into trouble. I would blurt out answers or talk when I wasn’t supposed to. It made the other kids not like me. I was different. I got made fun of a lot. I didn’t like being the weird and annoying kid. I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind just wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t help it. Simple basic math homework of 15 question multiplication problems proved to take me hours and I would stay up bawling all night long because I thought I had to be the stupidest kid in the world. I had no self-worth or friends to speak of and the teachers were terrible to me. That all changed!

I got on medicine when I was 9 and it made such a difference! My C’s and D’s turned into almost all A’s and occasional B’s. Of course it took a lot of different medication changes to find my niche but I am so thankful! I also used behavioral therapy to help train my impulsiveness due to the ADHD.

I still have problems with ADHD in adult life though as it will be a life long struggle I am afraid. My grades did improve and I found out how smart I really was and that I was NOT stupid, but still I struggle with the social aspect of it now. I still am perceived as the “weird” one and frankly I don’t have too many friends and I think that is one of the worst parts of this: loneliness and rejection.

It really bothers me when people tell me to just “stop acting like that” and that I use it as a crutch because I do NOT. I don’t like having this. If I had to choose between a visible or invisible illness I would choose visible because at least I would be believed and get the support and validation that I need to keep going through the day when I become discouraged. Support makes such a difference. I read my Bible when I become discouraged. Philippians 4:13 is one of my favorite verses (among many) that helps me in life.

I chose to be involved in Invisible Illness Week because I wish to bring awareness to these types of illnesses. Just because a person has no physical indication that they are ill does not mean that they aren’t. I hope that the stigma associated with mental health illnesses and other illnesses that cannot be seen with the eyes one day lifts and is recognized and validated. I want it to be that we will no longer be seen as the “weird” or “crazy” ones because our illnesses cannot be seen; we will be seen for what we are: human beings deserving of support and understanding. Blessings to all of you

NICIAW - Fibromyalgia, Meniere's Disease

Izebell writes:

1. The illness I live with is:
PTSD, Fibromyalgia, Meniere's Disease, Tinnitus, Joint Hypermobility, Carpal Tunnel, Arm/hand nerve impingement, DDNOS, chondromalacia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
Meniere's, tinnitus - 1995
Fibromyalgia - 2000
PTSD - 2005, 2006, 2011 (different docs)
the rest 2012
Chondromalacia - 1979

3. But I had symptoms since:
Fibro - Not sure
PTSD - 1970
Meniere's/tinnitus - 1995
Joint stuff - 1974
Carpal tunnel/nerve issues - 2006
DDNOS - 1976 (not really sure)
Chondromalacia - 1973

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:
Giving up the things I enjoy doing and making sure I have a few days of rest built in after a busy day.

5. Most people assume:
That I am either just fine or complain a lot

6. The hardest part about mornings are:
Waking still feeling exhausted

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
Untold Stories of the ER

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
My braces

9. The hardest part about nights are:
Not sleeping and being too exhausted to interact with My Beloved. There's nothing left for him.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)
8 RX and 6 vitamins

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:
I have tried herbs, chiropractic, massage therapy, acupuncture, diet

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:
Visible as people can then see something wrong and are more willing to help out

13. Regarding working and career:
I am probably going to have to stop working soon as my hands can't do it any more. Because of the fibro, it takes about 2-3 times longer for me to heal from surgery and I am having my right hand/arm fixed later this year.

14. People would be surprised to know:
How many illnesses I have.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:
The loss of social interaction due to the inability to participate in my favorite hobby

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:
Go on almost all rides at Disneyland - Tower of Terror is the best! (the virtual reality ones are out, however)

17. The commercials about my illness:
Don't exist

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
Bowling but my body just can't do it any more

19. It was really hard to have to give up:
Quilting as it kept me sane and brought me joy.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:
Haven't found it yet as most involve my hands

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:
Hike a local mountain - 4 miles up and I did it once

22. My illness has taught me:
That God is in control and my strength and support come from Him. All others will fail me.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:
You just need to exercise

24. But I love it when people:
Say "You don't look it!" when I tell them my age. I also like hearing "I understand".

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13 My life verse

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:
It can get better and you won't always feel like this.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
That pain is just a part of life and it's usually in the background except right now.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Bring us meals

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
Millions of people suffer and the public needs to be educated so they will stop saying stupid stuff.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Validated

NICIAW - Pain

An unnamed reader writes:

I've had pain for years but due to being uninsured + in the United States ("greatest medical system in the world," I laughed when I found out people called it that) I've never been diagnosed with anything. I know that I have bone spurs in my feet. I hope I don't have arthritis, because my whole career is based on my ability to move, and if I lose my career I have nothing.

My best theory is that my cartilage was so worn down by the schedule I had to follow when I was trafficked that the bones began to grind together. I worked 20-22 hours a day every day for years. Every time I used to take a step the bones would grind. I just got used to it. There are no gadgets that help this, however I find it is very important to stay warm enough and I have rice bags that I heat up and use to soothe the joints. I'd say my greatest gadget is my pain tolerance, which is very very high.

I would not choose a visible illness over this. If I had a visible illness, I'd never be hired, and the amount of sympathy from other people would not be great enough to cover the loss. People would see my illness before they saw my accomplishments, I think, and things like that really annoy me.

If I could change one thing, I'd make the United States have a universal free health care system. I'll pay more taxes, certainly would be lower than the $200/month I would pay for private insurance if I had money like that.