SVT. And This Post Has Nothing To Do With Stellan.

So, once upon a time, I was 14. It had been a rough week, involving some pretty intense emotional issues and surgery on my knee. It was a Saturday, and it felt like my heart was literally about to explode.

Went to the hospital. Received fluids and a medication through an IV. Heart rate slowed down. Doctor's concluded it was an anxiety attack.

Happened a few more times. A couple of them, I passed out in the middle.

As I got older, it started happening more frequently. Instead of once or twice a year, it was every couple of months or so.

And then every month.

And then a couple times each month. And then nearly every week. And then often times twice a week.

And now, every day. Sometimes several times.

I brought it up a few months ago with my "temporary" family doctor (my "regular" family doc is still not seeing patients for most things, following his head injury). He kind of dismissed it - I've been struggling in the stress department, and I think we both figured that was it. I didn't go into detail about how long or consistently it's been going on - I just wasn't concerned.

A couple weeks ago I saw him for something that has NOTHING to do with my heart, and he noted that it was going just a little fast - about 120. Nothing too bad, just faster than "normal." I mentioned that it often times went a lot faster than that. He asked how fast. I truthfully told him that 160 wasn't uncommon. He didn't really like that answer. Said he wanted me to wear an event monitor for 30 days and see if we could get some ECG strips of the "abnormal rhythm."

Picked up the event monitor on Wednesday the 19th. First five days or so were great. Day six, I had an "almost event" where I thought it was about to take off, so I pushed record. And it (my pulse) promptly went back down to about 90.

Wednesday of the next week (the 26th), I felt miserable all day. I came home to sleep while my husband went to church. I noticed my heart felt awfully strange - heavy, and very much pounding and feeling kind of "fluttery." Recorded the event, then checked my pulse - 170. So pretty fast. I did what I figured out years ago, by accident. Gave myself a firm massage just under my jawbone. Today I found out that that's actually something that doctors will do with patients to try and slow their pulse down. And of course took the obligatory Metoprolol.

Thursday, I called in the monitor recording from the night before. Guy at the testing center was pretty concerned, said he'd send it to my doctor right away. I figured nothing would come of it. Ten minutes later, we were on our way to a funeral, and the phone rang. My doctor, calling to say he got the test results. Needed me to check my pulse right then. Lots of questions about how I was feeling. Suggested that I should really come in so he could evaluate. Decided not to do so, provided I was willing to come in the next day (Friday the 28th) if the fast heart rate came back at all. That was easy to agree to.

Well, it came back. Got a phone call from my doctor about 20 minutes after I sent the recording off. More questions. Had me take another Metoprolol, said I needed to see cardiology right then - that it was medically necessary.

I ended up leaving work 5.5 hours early to go to the cardiology clinic. Met with the cardiologist. He asked a lot of questions. Informed me he could tell I wasn't a smoker or a drinker. Asked if I wanted to be cured of the problem with my heart. I said yes to that, of course.

He did an exam, talked to me a bit about cholesterol (mine is ridiculously high, and it's not because of a weight issue). His nurse came in. He asked her to schedule an echo for a patient who would need an ablation to treat her SVT. I honestly believed he was talking about some other patient. Especially when he said he wanted a doctor from across the state to come see "her" and do the ablation. I've brought up the rapid pulse so many times before, and every time it's been dismissed as anxiety. There was no way he could be referring to me, and I knew it.

She nodded, and left the room. He then proceeded to show me my ECG strips from the monitoring I've done. I was honestly expecting to see just a plain old sinus rhythm (normal, healthy, and good) that was chugging along more quickly than normal. I was prepared to maybe see a couple blips of atrial fibrillation, since it seems to run in our family. This first picture is a pretty good depiction of what numerous ECG's I've had in the past showed. A nice, normal sinus rhythm of about 60 beats per minute.



And that is what I expected to see.

But, it was not to be. The heart rate on those strips was foreign. I've had lots of ECG's done in my life - each time I had an episode that I told a doctor about, they would do the ECG. Of course, it was always way too late to catch the abnormal rhythm, and they would tell me it must just be anxiety or something. But those strips from the event monitor? They looked like this:



I'm no professional, but I do know that an ECG is supposed to show a P,Q,R,S, and T wave. I also know that my normal resting pulse is between 55 and 65. The test strips proved that my initial statement that my heart sometimes goes up to 160 beats per minute was not quite accurate. During most of the monitors, my pulse was like the picture above - about 180 beats per minute. During some of them, though, it was "well over 200."

I'd like to pretend that I have this great, unshakable, unwavering faith. And I'd like to tell you all that I stayed calm, there was no fear, and I resolved to move forward. But, truth is, I was afraid. As the doctor explained that I was that patient he was talking to his nurse about, that it was me who would be seeing the doctor from across the state next week, and it was my heart that was going to have an ablation, I started to freak out just a bit.

I was a little hard on my husband. I told him what was going on via text message - the reception in the clinic is horrid, and I wasn't sure I could speak coherently. I left the office, and went downstairs for blood work. As soon as I was done in the lab, I found a quiet corner near the skywalk, where the reception was somewhat better. I called one of the sweetest, most level-headed people I know. She got details out of me. Reminded me of Who is really in charge of my life. Prayed with me.

I left, and spoke a bit to my husband on the phone as I drove to our church. One of the office staff was there. She prayed, anointed me with oil. Gave me an amazing hug. Instilled and spoke peace. Reminded me that the "SVT" is just a name. And that Jesus is a name above all names.

I would be lying if I told you I am no longer surprised, or that I'm not nervous at all. I am nervous. I don't like what I was told. I want to pretend it isn't so. But even now, with more medication in my system than there has been for a long time, I can feel that something isn't right. With the medicine, it will beat fast for only a minute or two, and then it slows down again to about 60.

And when it's going slow, and I'm blissfully unaware of its presence, it is easy for me to say that my heart is healed. It's easy to believe. It doesn't really require much faith at all. But when it starts to feel strange, and it's hard to count fast enough to calculate a pulse? It's not so easy to believe then. But I am trying. With everything in me.

If you would, can you pray for me this coming week? I've had surgery a lot of times - eight, if you don't include minor things that require only light sedation. I've never been afraid before hand. But this time is different. This is my heart. People don't tend to do well when their heart is damaged. I know that an electrophysiology study (EP Study) is a very low-risk procedure, and I know that ablations usually go very well. And more importantly, I know that my God, He is God. A faithful God, Who keeps His covenant to a thousand generations. Even so, it's taking everything I have to stay focused and grounded, and not give in to the fear that's trying to creep in.

And maybe, if you are taking the time to pray for me, you could pray for a few others as well? My husband - I can only imagine that this had to be as much of a shock to him as it was me. And the doctor who will be doing the EP Study and ablation - first name is Zalmen. I'm not going to give his last name, since I'd like to retain at least some anonymity. If you would pray, I would really appreciate it. I have an echocardiogram on Wednesday morning (I've had lots of these over the years due to a goofy valve), and see the doctor from across the state on Thursday morning.

48 hours.

The last 48 hours have been... full.

First, I want to say a HUGE thank you to my beloved, amazing, best-in-the-world husband. Four years (and one day) ago, he married me. I find myself often asking how it is that I got so blessed, and how it is that he can be so amazing. All the credit goes to my God.

In less happy news, we spent part of our anniversary yesterday at a funeral. Derek's "uncle" Jerry has gone to heaven. Better for him. Worse for us. I didn't know him. I am so thankful that I will eventually have a chance, though.

Finally, there is a medical situation in my life right now that came as a bit of a shock, to say the least. I'm not ready, yet, to share details. It's nothing terrible - in fact, it's curable even. But a shock none the less. By the end of the week I should have more information. I may wait until then to share, or I may share tomorrow or Sunday. We'll just have to way and see I guess. Either way, if you would, can you pray for the doctors? That they'd have wisdom and insight? Tonight, to be totally blunt, I am fighting fear. But for now, I'm going to just leave it at that.

An Explaination.

So, my last post promised that I would begin posting more regularly. 13 days ago. Yikes. I feel compelled to make excuses offer up an explaination. So here you go - a list of reasons I have been on a posting hiatus:

1. Life was getting the best of me.
   Or, to put it more accurately, I was finding myself overwhelmed and struggling to muddle through each day. By the time I came home each night, I was drained.
   
   
2. Refering back to number one, I had nothing left to pour out. I wanted to - wanted to pursue my assignment from the Psalms, wanted to share some of the things that have been rising up within. But there was just an... absence. Of motivation, of strength, of words.
   
3. Embarrasment. Having stepped away from my assignment, and broken my commitment, I was embarrassed to post. Which is silly - this is my blog, and whatever I post or do not post is up to me. And I want it to be "real" - an example of what it's really like to walk this Christian walk. Part of that "reality" is to let you (my readers) see me fail, and then pick myself up and keep going.
   
   
4. Time. I haven't had much of it to spare.
   
   
5. My husband's cat Bayleigh. Pictured over there --> on the right sidebar. Last week Friday (so 8 days ago), she came into the bathroom at about 11:00 PM as I was getting out of the tub, and made it abundantly clear that she was not at all okay. Called her vet, left a message with the answering service. Then called every other vet in the area hoping to find someone who would/could see her.
   
   Took her in at 7:30 the next morning, found out she had a bad bladder infection. They gave her some good drugs, lots of fluids, and informed us that she also had a pyometra (infected uterus) and needed surgery first thing Monday morning. We took her home in between, and babied her.
   
   Surgery Monday went fine, she came home Tuesday, and has been quickly (and sleepily) recovering ever since.
   
   
6. A nasty, nasty computer virus. Yep, somehow, somewhere, I picked one up. In spite of running Norton Antivirus non-stop. Well, non-stop until my subscription expired 12 days ago. Two days before the virus showed up. Entirely coincendental, I'm sure. Or not.
   
   Seriously. It was a real pain to get rid of. First step was to renew my Norton subscription. Which I did. Twice. Whoops. The refund from the second purchase will go through in 5-10 days, or so I was told when I spoke with one of their representatives. I'd like it faster, but I can't complain. It's not like it's their fault I was so impatient that I placed the order twice, convinced the first one didn't go through.
   
   Back to the virus. I was alerted to its presence about a week ago, when a large red circle with an "X" in the middle showed up in my system tray. It kept randomly generating a pop-up informing me that my computer was infected and I should click the link to download removal software. Yep - I got the infamous "Windows 2009 Security Update" virus. Fortunately, I knew better than to click the pop up. I also know enough to disconnect the network cable.
   
   After updating Norton, I realized that his obnoxious little virus prevents Norton from being able to open. Not being very programming-savy, I opened my task list and watched it as I tried opening Norton over and over. I finally noticed that each time, a task would pop up for about 3 seconds, and then disappear, and Norton would quit loading. So I finally got the bright idea to kill that task as soon as it popped up. And viola! Norton loaded.
   
   I figured my problem was resolved. Ran the full scan, which took most of the night (I slept while it worked). The program disappeared from my system tray, the task was gone from the task list. All was well.
   
   Or not. When I restarted my computer, the program promptly reappeared and began incessantly reminding me to download a "removal program." I pulled the network cable again. Looked at my task list - found the tasks that were new (yes, I am enough of a geek to be very familiar with which tasks should be on that list and which ones don't belong). Using my phone (because the computer was not connected), I browsed Microsoft's process library for the tasks in question (braviax.exe).
   
   I was bitterly disappointed less than thrilled with the description on the entry retrieved: "This is a process." Ya think? Very helpful, eh?
   
   I found a techie forum, filled with big words I don't understand, and instructions that were written in some foreign language. Or maybe it really was English, and I'm just not cut out to run with the techies. Either way, the instructions were almost useless. Except the part that listed the two search terms to use when removing the braviax virus from your registry. Which is not something I'd recommend doing if you're not used to checking and editing your registry, since you can totally mess up your computer doing it.
   
   After finding and removing all instances of "braviax" and "cru629" from my registry, I restarted my computer, expecting that dreaded red circle to reappear. It didn't. I re-ran my full system scan - Norton found nothing. I opened internet explorer. Still no sign of it. So I restarted it again. Nope, nada.
   
   I've been waiting for it to reappear for several hours now, and it seems that it's gone for good.
   
   I like winning.

The Post in Which You Are Spared.

So this post is to let you know that you are being spared. Spared from long, drawn out explainations of why this past week has been... hard. To say there has been a lot of up and down would be accurate - the same way that saying the ocean has a lot of water in it is accurate.

It's been full to the brim with secret struggles and uncertainty. Lots of room for questions, lots of time for reflection, and a shortage of answers.

But this post is one in which you are spared.

I am going to simply say, "I appologize for the lack of posts lately. There is a reason - several reasons, in fact. I am okay. I have not forgotten about this blog. I have not forgotten about the Psalms. I have just been... occupied."

And I'm going to tell you that I am sparing you from descriptions and/or pictures that illustrate the reason for the difficulty I've been having with sleep for the past week. I'll leave it at this: somehow, some way, something stumbled upon or through while out on the river has... impacted me. More specifically, impacted my knee and my foot. First suspicion was poison ivy. Now leaning more towards wild parsnip. Or some other plant or chemical or something. I'll leave it at that, and gimp away on my crutches.

Psalm 28.

Psalm 28

(verses 1 and 2)
To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.

Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.

This week, I have fallen short, in so many ways. Some obvious ways - such as reneging on my comitment to not only read a Psalm and study it, looking for emotion therein, but also to post about it daily. Other obvious ways - I am still plugging away at uploading and completing the galleries for the wedding I recently shot. I'm struggling to meet my upgrade goal at work - not that my job demands it, but I set the goal and I really want to meet it.

There are other less visible ways - not being as faithful to pray as I had been, choosing physical comfort over the opportunity to go to church, being short tempered with my husband.

And then there are those areas that are too deep, too significant, and truthfully, too personal to share here. And it is in those ways that I am struggling the most.

So, dear readers... if you would, please pray for me? I know I seem to ask that a lot, and I almost didn't ask now because of it. But I don't want this to be one-sided.

If there is something, anything, that I can be in prayer with and/or for you about, please don't hesitate to contact me. You can leave a comment - they are all "private" unless I choose to publish them, and I promise that any prayer request will NOT be published unless you request it. You can also send me an e-mail, using the link on the right hand side of this blog. I would count it an honor and privelage to pray with you.

That said, I am going to go make supper for my darling, sweet husband. Who happens to have washed our dishes. Nearly all of them. Without being asked. Have I mentioned lately that I adore him? His brownie points account is overflowing right about now...

Emotion. Psalms.

This post is going to be a short one... because the thing that's weighing most heavily on me tonight, the thing that I truly need to write out, may or may not be something that I share here. But, for those who may be following along in the Psalms with me...

Jump ahead to Psalm 18. I'm going to pick it up in the middle, share a few verses, and wrap it up. Meanwhile, if you would, take a minute to head over to Jennifer's blog. Her sweet son, Stellan, is struggling. Fighting for his very life. Please, take a little time out of your day to pray for him, for his parents (Jennifer and Israel), and for his doctors as they prepare for a very risky procedure.

Verses 1-3
I love You, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer;
My God is my Rock in Whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation - my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, Who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

My life has not been what I would call easy. Blessed, for sure. Good, mostly. Amazing, thrilling, exhilarating? At times. But not easy. And yet, through everything... He has been there. In the darkness, in the sadness, in the hurt, He comforted. In the joy, the peace, the beauty, He showed Himself. He truly is my rock and my Deliverer. It is He who has delivered me, and it is He in whom I take refuge.

Verses 4-6
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears.

I'm not going to expound on verses four and five. They speak for themselves, and there isn't anything that I would like to say, other than "I get that."

It's verse six I want to talk about. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. That is the only thing I could do. There wasn't strength for anything else. No earthly way forward. Men (or women) could not help. The battle was not physical, not a flesh-and-blood thing. It was (and is, and will be for the rest of my earthly life) spiritual.

It's hard, truthfully, to cry out to God when it feels like I'm failing. When that insistent little voice whispers "You did this and you never do that. Surely, God can't accept you anymore. You've gone too far, done it one too many times now." When that happens, shame rushes in and confidence is harder to grasp than the wind. It is at that time that I truly feel unworthy. And it at that time that doubt raises its ugly head, blocking my view. And it is hard, so hard, to cry out to God. And yet, it is then that I most desperately need to do just that. And it is then, when I am totally and utterly dependent on His grace, on His mercy, on the sacrifice He made and the sinless life He lived, that He has shown Himself faithful.

He has heard my cry. Not just heard... but really heard. It's not like when a bird outside serenades. When that happens, we hear the song, but we don't really hear it. Am I making sense? God hears us. Not just perceives that we are making noise, but really hears what we say.

Verses 7-18
The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because He was angry.
Smoke rose from His nostrils;
consuming fire came from His mouth,
burning coals blasted out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under His feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
He soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him -
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot His arrows and scattered the enemies,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at Your rebuke, O Lord,
at the blast of breath from Your nostrils.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.

This is one of my favorite passages, because of the picture it paints. I don't know about you, but my mind works in pictures. I see the wind, the dark and swirling clouds, the lightning and parting waters. I have stood, arms thrown open wide, as a storm rushed in. I've felt every hair stand at attention in wonder.

And yet... this passage, pales in comparison to the work He has done inside of each person who allows it. It pales in comparison to what He has done in me. For me. I'm not going to draw any more parallels, not going to expound on that thought any further.

I'm ending here, with this statement. This passage, these words recorded for all eternity, bring to mind a few emotions. Awe. Wonder. A sense of being loved. But more than any of that, they bring gratitude. I am so unspeakably grateful for what He has done and Who He is. And for tonight, that is where I am going to close.

In the Meantime...

So, as you have probably noticed, I have taken a couple days off from posting my studies from the Psalms. I have not abandoned it, nor have I abandoned this blog.

But my heart has been heavy with something... other. Something beyond my own "struggles" and my own "journey." I have been looking around myself, at the people I know. And have been struck with the struggles they are going through.

A girl a few years younger than me, desperately seeking love and acceptance. Having not found it where she expected, she's turned against her own body. She's using blades to release her frustrations, and the pain and shame that go with this cutting are stopping her from getting the help she desperately needs.

A woman several years older than I, at the end of her rope. No, not at the end. She reached the end months ago and it's no longer even in sight. A woman who last time we spoke, poured her heart out to me. The depths of anguish in her nearly broke my heart. Her desperate need for belonging, for encouragement. I want to hope for her - she doesn't have any left of her own. Watching her give up is so hard. Trying to find words to comfort her? Impossible.

A family that appears to be "together" and happy that is falling apart.

A young couple with a tiny, tiny son at home. He weighs a mere four pounds, and was born almost two months early because his sweet mommy was too sick to keep him inside any longer.

Some dear friends of ours who are struggling financially, more than my own husband and I ever have.

And these are just the ones who popped quickly into my head. There are more, people that I can't mention here because I want to protect their privacy.

But there is one more that I can mention.

His name is Stellan. He is a beautiful little boy who is right now fighting for his very life. The doctors are doing everything they can. His mommy and daddy (Jennifer and Israel) are praying and watching and holding onto their God with all that is in them. Please, pray with me for this little one. His heart needs to slow down, and it needs to slow down now. Whether this happens by some blatant miracle, or whether the doctors finally find something that works, doesn't matter. For more information, you can go to My Charming Kids.

Psalm 16

Tonight, I read through three chapters in the book of Psalms. Not because chapters 14 and 15 weren't good, but because I just didn't find much "emotion" in them. It may well be that it's there, and I don't see (or feel) it. Regardless, I am going with chapter 16 tonight. Are you coming too?

Verse 1:
Keep me safe, O God,
for in You I take refuge.

Do you do this? I try to do this. But sometimes... sometimes, I want something more tangible. Something that takes less faith. In those times, I turn to other people. To ideas or concepts. To technology. Not that any of those things are wrong. I believe if it will help, go for it. It's just... that needs to be done while trusting God. While taking refuge in HIM. Because ultimately, He is our protector, our refuge. The only place, the only One, in whom we can truly take refuge.

Verse 2:
I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
apart from You I have no good thing."

Have you ever seen the verse that says every good and perfect thing is from God? I have. This verse invokes... gratitude. And utter and total dependence. With God... good things. Without God? No good things. Sure, there are things that aren't obviously attached to or dependent on or directly sent from God. But really, in light of knowing and walking with Him, everything pales and just doesn't seem so good anymore.

Verses 3&4:
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

Verses 5 & 6:
Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundry lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I relate to this. Not so much to the portion and cup part... but to the secure lot and the pleasant places. I look around me right now, and here is what I see. I see trees - our home is surrounded by trees. Big, old, healthy trees. Through the trees, I see clouds, lit up with the reds of sunset. I smell flowers and freshly mown grass. If I mute the music, I hear birds singing. No cars, no machines. It's peaceful here. Beautiful. Pleasant. Delightful, even.

Verse 7:
I will praise the Lord, Who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.

This one is interesting. God has never spoken audibly to me. But He has spoken to my heart in a voice so consuming that there would be no possible way to ignore it. He's counseled me in the dark of night, and in the bright glaring light of day. He has never left me to "figure it out myself." And I am so, so thankful. I praise Him for it.

And now, sleep is calling me. Stay tuned tomorrow night - I'll finish up, starting with verse 8.

Psalm 13. At last.

Psalm 13.

Verse 1:
How long, O LORD?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

Have you ever felt like God has forgotten you? My immediate response to that question was "No, never." But then, I thought about it some more. I've never felt like God has forgotten me. I've been raised to know that that's impossible. But I have felt like He's forgotten to answer. I've prayed, and waited for the answer for days. When the days turned into weeks, and then months, and even years... it really did feel almost like He'd forgotten to answer. Like maybe that one prayer slipped by unnoticed. Have you ever felt that way?

David then asks God how long He'll hide His face from him. I've felt like God must surely be hiding his face from me. But when I really consider myself... God isn't hiding His face from me at all. Rather, I am putting things between Him and I, things that make it difficult, if not impossible to see Him. He has never turned away, and promises that He never will. And yet... haven't we all felt sometimes that God must be hiding from us?

Verse 2:
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

This is one that makes me wish I could say "I don't get it." I wish that I didn't know what david is talking about here... I wish I didn't know what it is like to "have sorrow in my heart" every day. But I do. And I've wrestled with my thoughts. Oh, how I've wrestled. Not as much recently, but it hasn't been so long that I've forgotten. Not even close to that long.

And when I was wrestling, when there was sorrow in my heart every day... it really did feel like my enemy, the enemy of my very soul, was triumphing over me. Have you ever felt that defeated?

Verses 3 & 4:
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

Here is where this gets heavy. You can think whatever you want, but to me, this verse talks about suicide. I suspect that many people have wrestled with the idea. I know some who have given in to it. Who have yielded to the pressure, who have been unable to fight any longer. People who took steps to end their lives. Most of them were not successful. Most.

It seems hard to fathom that David, DAVID, wrestled with that temptation. Out of everyone we read about in the Bible, David seems so very close to God. He loves Him so intensely. Seeks Him earnestly. Clearly has an active, full relationship with Him. And in spite of that... he is wrestling with this?

If you are wrestling with those thoughts tonight - thoughts that maybe your life isn't worth living any longer - please, please don't stop reading here. You need to know something: God loves you. He has a plan for you. A good plan, a plan to bless you and give you hope for the future. There is help for you. Pray, ask God to bring you comfort. And please, reach out. There are so many ways to get assistance. You can call 911. Call or go to any emergency room. Call 1-800-273-TALK.

I end where David did. I have gone through the first four verses. I'm not referring only to going through them in study. I mean I have gone through them, in life. And now, I can say with David:

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Rescue Me

I'm going to take a moment and be transparent. If you read here often, you'll know that this transparency thing is something I've been working on this past year. Obviously, there are things that should most decidedly not be published for the world to see. Beyond those, there are things that should be even more closely guarded. But there are also times when letting others see our weakness can be of benefit to them. Times when admitting that we don't "have it all together" can do so much to encourage others.

Truth is, I have been struggling for over a year now. With the same things. I really, truthfully cannot share those things here - it wouldn't be prudent, and it wouldn't help anybody to know. But I can share little pieces of the struggle.

I can share that calling it a struggle is sort of like calling a tsunami a wave. Technically true, but an understatement of gargantuan proportions. I think calling it an all out war would be more accurate.

It's been exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically. And as often happens, that exhaustion has spilled over into my spiritual life. I can't even begin to describe how much I am depending on God's grace right now. Grace, and mercy. And love. Love that has absolutely nothing to do with who I am or what I do, but everything to do with Who He is, and what He has done.

I have good news, though. Recent weeks have seen a turn around during my devotional time. And a turn around in other areas. In some ways, it is as though everything has exploded and there is no way I can keep going. In other ways, it is as though I have never been so utterly dependent on Him, and so thoroughly awestruck by His unfailing, unwavering, unchanging love. There's more battles to be fought. I don't know how many, or for how long. I don't know what victory will entail. But I do know that He is faithful.

And days like this, days when I am desperate for Him, when I am at the end of myself, I can relate to Peter. I feel like I've stepped out of the boat in the midst of the storm. I've just walked across water, and it is an amazing, incredible feeling. And now, having taken my eyes off of Him for just a moment to consider the storm raging around me, I am sinking. I am realizing that I just cannot do this on my own. There is no way. And like Peter, I don't have the time or the energy to come up with an eloquent prayer that will be passed down for generations to come. Tonight, Peter's prayer is my prayer.

"Lord, rescue me."

Selah is one of my favorite groups. Not because of their impressive stage presence or deeply profound lyrics. It's their genuine faith and desire to honor and glorify God that attracts me. But I would be lying if I didn't say that one particular song of theirs struck something inside of me tonight. I've added the lyrics to the end of this post, and put the song itself at the top of my playlist for now. You can open my playlist and listen to music while you browse by clicking on the "Music" link in the column on the right.

Rescue Me
(C) Selah

Deep is the river that I have to cross
Heavy the weight on my shoulder
I have discovered how great is the cost
Of trying alone to cross over
I try and I try but the current's too strong
It's pulling me under and my strength is gone
Don't leave me stranded

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

There is a bridge that is easy to cross
While all of our burdens are lifted
Peace is the land that is waiting for us
Lord give me faith to believe it
Cause I'm in a storm but I'm willing to fight
I'll overcome and I will not die
With You by my side

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me
Carry me over

I will sail over the oceans and
High over the mountains and
Soar up to the heavens
Here is my hand
Is my heart and my soul and my mind

Rescue me, my God and my King
The waters are rising and I cannot breathe
Wrap Your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me, my God and my King
You are the only one who can save me
Wrap your arms all around me and
Carry me over
Rescue me

Psalm 13

This one is a bit... heavier... than I normally would post here. I'm not going to avoid it or sidestep it, but I am going to take another day to really consider it, to ponder it. To pray over what to say here. Tonight, I am not really in a position to comment on any scripture. So I'll post it in a couple of versions. If you have any thoughts you would like to share on the passage, please do. You can leave a comment (hidden until I approve them) or use the link over on the right. If I don't receive anything before I post, it will be all me. If I do receive something (or many somethings), I'll include them in the post.

Without further words on my part, here is Psalm 13.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Not Me Monday

In light of the new "Not Me Monday" banner, I am writing a new "Not Me Monday" introduction for my blog.

I'm distinctly lacking in inspiration tonight, though, so you'll have to wait until next Monday to read it. Which leads me into the "meat" of this post.

I would never simply direct my readers to head over to MckMama's blog for an explanation of what "Not Me Monday" is really about, instead of telling you myself.

I would also never create a ridiculously detailed binder of processes for a job - and then, five years later, pass that binder on to someone who is now training for that job. Because I'm not a list maker or note taker. Seriously. I'm not. And because of that, I wouldn't make that binder. But if I did, I'm sure my pack-rat habits would dictate that the binder still be present in my home.

I did not hire a photographer for my best friend's wedding because I found her through MckMama's blog. But if I did, it wouldn't be just based on that - it would also be because I met her six years ago. At a park in a nearby city. And I saw her a few times after that. So I do technically sort of know her from real life. But since I would never hire a photographer because I found her on a complete stranger's blog, it doesn't really matter, does it? If you are curious about this mystery photographer that I did not hire, you can check her out over at Sailor and Company. Sami, if you read this... see you in October. :)

I did not ride 17.63 miles yesterday on a bike with a seat designed for... well, for something other than riding 17.63 miles. And today, I am not finding it difficult to sit in any of the traditional "sitting positions" because of it. And if that were so, that discomfort is surely something too personal to share in such a public forum. Right?

I am not sleepy. And I am not going to bed having only written a pathetically short Emotions from the Psalms post and an almost as pathetic "Not Me Monday" post. Because I have nothing better to do at night than blog. Or something.

Oh... and when I ran spell check on this post, I did not contemplate gloating about the fact that it only found one error. Because I'm not that shallow. I only post about important and significant achievements. Not silly things like proper spelling.

Psalm 12

Tonight, I am in Psalm 12. I don't know why, but I'm struggling to pull emotion from it. Perhaps it's exhaustion, perhaps it's simply the power of distraction. Either way, rather than skip posting all together as I have the last couple days, I'll share the two verses that did something to me.

Verse 5:
"Because of the oppression of the weak
and the groaning of the needy,
I will now arise," says the LORD.
"I will protect them from those who malign them."

I thought this was interesting. There's nothing here about eloquent prayers or selfless giving. There's no indication that the weak and needy did anything at all to "earn" God's favor. A mere expression of emotion - not even words, but just a groan - moved God to action. In the past, I've always tried to keep emotion out of my prayers. Wanting to be a "good Christian" and wanting to be "above" letting emotions have any say in my life. Here, a part of God's character is revealed. A part where He is moved by emotions. A part where people express those emotions, when words fail.

His response to the groans? "I will arise. I will protect them from those who malign them." Powerful words, when you consider the Source.

Verse 6:
And the words of the LORD are flawless,
like silver refined in a furnace of clay,
purified seven times.

This says what I would like to say. God's Words are flawless. He cannot and does not lie. Ever. He doesn't change. Doesn't waver. So His response here? It's the same response He would have today, for me, if my emotions were overwhelming. If my needs were so great that all I could do was groan, He'd respond.

Pretty amazing, if you ask me.

Psalm 8

No expounding tonight. No words of my own. I'm taking a small step back and I'm just going to let king David speak for me.

O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.
O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth

Remember this?

I learned something with this recent wedding.... NEVER edit tired. It goes poorly. It gets frustrating, vision fails, brainwaves cease, and it is general just... well, it yields pictures like this:


But if you take that SAME image, and try it when you're not so tired, and further away from sleep, you might like the results a bit better...



I'm still kicking myself for accidentally deleting the copy of this shot that was properly exposed (that's what happens when you let yourself delete shots while waiting for the wedding to start). But at least it was somewhat salvagable...

Say What Wednesday

We all do it. I think. Regardless, I know that many of us sometimes let words come out of our mouths that just make us go "Huh?" Or sometimes, words that make everybody around us crack up.

So, without further introduction, here is my "Say What?! Wednesday" post. And yes, I know it's Thursday today. But I am going to post this with a publish date of Wednesday. Because that makes me look like I remembered to do this yesterday. Or something...

So today, I was talking with a couple coworkers. I told one of them, "Derek told me to ask you to sing the song about the mouse in a bar." I have no idea what this song is, but I've been told it's funny. So I wanted to hear it. She looked at me kind of wierd. I continued on, "Derek tells me to do things a lot because he thinks they'll be fun." And then one of my coworkers snorted. She snorted because she was holding in laughter. Because according to her, it was a sort of... off-sounding statement.

I began a message that I left for a customer today with the following words... "Thank you for calling _____, the best value in wireless. My name is Jennifer..." I froze. I had called them, not the other way around. I continued on, though, trying to cover my error. "Hehe. That is what I'd say if you had called me. But I called you. To find out if you need any further assistance with your account." And waited for the option to review or delete my message. It never came. They'll get my special message tonight. And I bet they don't want my help with anything else.

I know that these are weak examples, but seeing as how it's a day late anyway, I'm allowed.

My last one is a joke. Told by our trainer at work. Who is infamous for... less-than-humerous jokes that get everybody laughing because of how funny he thinks they are.

I had just entered some information backwards into a search tool, and told him so. He laughed. And shouted, with Superman-esque enthusiasm, "Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!" He is dyslexic. So it's okay for him to say that. And yes, I do mean UNTIE. Not unite.

Please, bail me out here folks... what did yousay or hear this week that made you go, "Say what?!"

Psalm 6

Tonight, I am back to the sixth Psalm. As I mentioned before, I have been given an assignment of sorts. An assignment to focus on the relationship David has with His God. More specifically, to focus on his emotions and how they play into that relationship. I'm trusting the Holy Spirit to reveal to me the character and nature of God, and to help me as I relate to Him.

I've actually been in the sixth Psalm since Saturday. I've labored over whether to post it or not. My conclusion? Share some things, in hopes that it will help or bless those who read. Because really, I don't have anything to prove. That's not the point of this assignment - right or wrong. The point is to grow. To learn. To develop.

My words aren't annointed or inspired. They are simply... me. And as my Pastor has shared, life is life for everyone. And since that is true, I want to share a bit of mine.

Verse 1: O Lord, rebuke me not in Your anger nor discipline and chasten me in Your hot displeasure.

I'm struggling to relate to this emotion. You see, I'm blessed in the realm of discipline, chastening, and rebuking. Not blessed as in able to do them all very well. But blessed in that I've learned that these things, when done according to their actual purpose, are done out of love. I sort of "got it" after being on the receiving end several times. But I really got that when I had the awesome privelage of being a nanny for an amazing little boy. As he grew, so did the love I had for him. When he got old enough to start making rational choices, I found myself rebuking him. Correcting. Chastening. And you know what? I did it purely out of love. Because I loved him too much to let him continue on in error.

Even so, I can relate, a little, to the emotion that David may have felt here. Because, love or not, being rebuked is never fun at the time. And there is still that tiny, almost non-existant pretty big part of me that doesn't want anybody to know about any of my faults. And for rebuking, chastening, or correcting... my faults need to be known.

Verses 2 and 3: Have mercy on me and be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am weak (faint and withered away); O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. My [inner] self [as well as my body] is also exceedingly disturbed and troubled. But You, O Lord, how long [until You return and speak peace to me]?

These two verses? I get these. I've been weak. So weak that I despaired for my life. Emotionally empty and drained. And when that happened, my body suffered for it. It was truly as if my very bones were troubled. This emotion... dispair, desperation, fear, and just a tiny sliver of hope... a tiny sliver that says maybe it could be better. A tiny sliver that gives us the courage to cry out to God.

Verse 4: Return [to my relief], O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of Your steadfast love and mercy.

I've prayed for this. I've prayed that God would come in, and change my heart. That He would change my life. Deliver me. Not because I deserve it - truth be told, none of us do. I don't know all the sins of anybody - except for me. I know what I do. I know what I say, what I think. I know my intentions and secret thoughts. And in light of those, I am desperately dependent on God's steadfast love and mercy. Without it, I am entirely without hope. And with it? Well... you get the idea.

I'm going to skip over verse 5, since I have nothing to say about it. But you can read it - in any Bible.

For tonight, I'm ending with verses 6 and 7.

I am weary with my groaning; all night I soak my pillow with tears, I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye grows dim because of grief; it grows old because of all my enemies.

Have you ever been in there? Has the light of dawn ever illuminated your pillow, revealing the wetness of countless tears? Have you ever spent an entire night so distraught that you were unable to sleep at all?

I have. This is what David is talking about. True sorrow. True grief. Heartbreak. I've been there. I suspect, if you've been living life very long at all, you have too. The thing I am taking from this passage tonight, and applying to my own life, is this:

I do not have to hide my sorrow, my tears, my pain, from God. I can pour them out to Him. It's appropriate. Acceptable. And when I am overwhelmed? When my vision truly grows dim with sorrow? Call out to Him. Here, David is our example.

What have you learned from this passage? Does it strike a chord somewhere in you? It may be (in fact, it probably is) that you get something so very different from what I got. I'd love to hear. Leave a comment on this post, or you can use the link on the right hand side of the page. All comments on this blog are moderated, so if you'd prefer to keep the comment just between us, just say so and I will respect that.

Good night, and God bless.

Not Me. Not Today.

The past week was long, busy, and not the easiest of weeks. In light of that, I will not be doing a "Not Me Monday" post today. You can head over to MckMama's blog to check out other people's "Not Me's."

As for me, I am going to bed.

Tomorrow, you can expect another "emotion from Psalms" post. I've been keeping up with the reading - just not with the posting of the reading.

This Weekend...

This weekend, my husband and I shot a wedding. It was his first. He did pretty well. I haven't really gotten to his shots yet, but here is a handful that I took and like.

I've been told that all brides are beautiful.... but seriously, Rachael was absolutely stunning. I loved watching the two of them interact. The way they look at eachother is priceles...

Rachael has two beautiful daughters. The shot came out... a little bit underexposed. So I had to do some editing and softening to get rid of the pixelated look. I'm not sure what else to do... I just know it feels incomplete some how.

Lastly... I like this shot. This little girl goes to our church. She's a beautiful little girl... with a lot of spunk. Just a few seconds after I snapped this, she started chasing another kid with that bat.

This wedding was very special to me. I've been praying for this woman for a long time. Praying that she'd keep her fervency for God. That she'd never forget who she is in Him, or what He's done for her. That she would meet that special man who would treat her, and her children, with respect and a gentle, patient love. And would be as on fire for God as she is.

This weekend, I got a special treat. I got to watch the answer to that prayer play out in front of me. I know that I am not the only one who prayed. My prayer now is different. It's thanksgiving for this man and woman. It's a request for ever-increasing grace and mercy. For a peaceful home. For an uncommon ease in uniting. And it's for the kids - that they would easily and quickly get used to having Jonny around.

Congratulations, both of you!

Psalm 5

(vs.1) Lord, listen to my words. Understand my sadness.

David doesn't leave anything up to chance here. There's no guessing how he feels - he comes out and says it straight up. He's feeling sad. This caught my attention - directness is something I not only prefer, but in many situations, need.

(vs.2, 3) Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, because I pray to you. Lord, every morning you hear my voice. Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer.

These next two verses show me how David dealt with his sadness. I notice he didn't hide it. He didn't pretend it didn't exist. He didn't whisper for help - he cried for it. He expresses no remorse for his sadness. Merely a statement that it is, and that he has given it to God.

(vs. 4-8) You are not a God who is pleased with the wicked; you do not live with those who do evil. Those people who make fun of you cannot stand before you. You hate all those who do evil. You destroy liars; the Lord hates those who kill and trick others. Because of your great love, I can come into your Temple. Because I fear and respect you, I can worship in your holy Temple. Lord, since I have many enemies, show me the right thing to do. Show me clearly how you want me to live.

The one thing I relate to here, is David's request for God to show him the right thing to do about his enemies. I've prayed this same prayer, earnestly. Lord, show me what to do. Show me how to let your love move through me, show me how to live. Teach me how to behave toward them.

(vs. 9,10) My enemies' mouths do not tell the truth; in their hearts they want to destroy others. Their throats are like open graves; they use their tongues for telling lies. God, declare them guilty! Let them fall into their own traps. Send them away because their sins are many; they have turned against you.

Okay. I really get this. David is sad. And what's on his mind? The decietful nature of his enemies. There is little that people can do that hurts me more than when they lie to me. Or in front of me. God tells us to love truth. And I do. And I hate lies. The absolute worst lies of all? The ones that hurt me deeper than any others? The ones that escape my own mouth.

(vs. 11,12) But let everyone who trusts you be happy; let them sing glad songs forever. Protect those who love you and who are happy because of you. Lord, you bless those who do what is right; you protect them like a soldier's shield.

I trust God. And I sing glad songs to Him. I try to do what's right. And when I really consider what this means? What an awesome reason to be happy. So awesome, that in the midst of all the storms life can throw at me, I still have something to be happy about. What about you?

I've got a post about that very thing rolling around in my head, actually. I will be working on it in the coming weeks. Meanwhile... you could comment here and let me know how you keep your focus on the one thing we really have to be happy about. And not just happy... joyful even. What have you done so that you don't "lose your joy" in the middle of life's trials? If you wouldn't object, I will take the comments I receive and make a whole other post about them.