Glancing Back... and Laughing.

So tonight I did some looking at old pictures. There are some that make me go "aww" and even a few that make me go "wow." But there were a bunch that made me laugh. I've chosen to share just a random handful of them with you. Enjoy. :)

This was a beautiful goose family. At some point between camera being down by my side and being up to my eye, they went from serene and picturesque to all-out hissy fit.

This one made me laugh not because it's hugely hilarious, but because of how posed and "phony" it looks. I promise you, they really did line themselves up like this.

I'm used to kids and even some adults making funny faces at the camera. But deer?

I'm not sure which is better - ears back and tongue out, or jaw being all crooked. But both are amusing. :)

My beloved posing for his Christmas pictures. Do you have any idea how tempted I was to just use this for our card instead of a picture of both of us?

Not only were these four swans swimming in the northern Mississippi river in January, they also lined them selves up very systematically. And just as I snapped a picture, that eagle in the background caught their attention. And I thought it was funny.

This made me laugh. These two sat on the log together, looking at each other, for quite a while. Five minutes, at least.

Remember my post about being alone in the crowd? Does anybody in this crowd seem... different somehow? Don't ask me what a domestic duck was doing hanging out with a flock of mallards, but there he or she was. And it, like the rest of these, made me laugh.

Alone In A Crowd.

Do you ever feel that way? Alone? Even though you're in a room full of people? I used to feel that way most of the time. I felt no more connected to the people surrounding me than I do to the people I see on television or read about in a book. And in my day to day life, I see this loneliness in the eyes of people around me. The longing, the pain, the sadness.

I'm not sure how to explain what has changed. I wish I could. I wish I could say, "I did _____ and then it went away." Because if I could say that, then maybe other people would be able to do the same and leave that feeling behind. I can't offer anybody a step by step list for how to accomplish this. I also can't say that I've "arrived." There are still days when I look around myself at so many faces, and I feel so different. So isolated. So alone. But those days are fewer and farther between. So, since there has been improvement, I will do what I can to share with you what has gotten me here.

In 2002, I had a meeting with my Pastor. He told me that I should get a copy of In Him. In the back of this book is a long list of scriptures that talk about who we (those who have received salvation) are in Christ. He told me to get a notebook and dedicate it to my "In Him" study. Each day, I was to look up a few (between two and five) verses from this list, and write them out in first person. So I did.

Here are just a couple examples, to help you "get it."

2 Corinthians 5:21
For my sake He made Christ to be sin Who knew no sin, so that in and through Him I might become endued with, viewed as being in, and an example of the righteousness of God - what I ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness.

Ephesians 1:7-12
Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, His blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, I'm a free person — free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all my misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything I could possibly need, letting me in on the plans He took such delight in making. He set it all out before me in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in Him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

It's in Christ that I find out who I am and what I am living for. Long before I first heard of Christ and got my hopes up, He had His eye on me, had designs on me for glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone.

Do you kind of get it?

I know it sounds easy. Simple. Almost like it wouldn't work. But if you do this... write the verses out in first person, and you read them and meditate on them, and say them out loud (Romans 10:17 says "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God."), it will get into your heart. Into the depths of you. It will help you. Change you. You might not see it right away. You might not see a difference for weeks or even months. But if you stick it out, keep putting it into yourself, change will come.

And once you start to have a grasp on who you are in Christ, your outlook will change. You'll begin to feel like you belong. Like you are part of the biggest, best family ever to exist. Because, really... you are. And that lonely feeling? It might never go away completely this side of heaven. But it will lessen. Both in frequency and intensity.

Romans 12:6

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else;
if you help, just help, don't take over;
if you teach, stick to your teaching;
if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy;
if you're put in charge, don't manipulate;
if you're called to give aid to people in distress,
keep your eyes open and be quick to respond;
if you work with the disadvantaged,
don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them.
Keep a smile on your face.

This verse caught my eye today. I was doing one of those random searches that I frequently do on Bible Gateway. This came up. And as I read it, I did some serious thinking. Self-examination, I believe the "technical" term is.

The first thing here is in reference to preaching. I don't preach. I'm not called to it - at least not right now. I can't say God will never place that call on or in me, but for now, it's not there. But at the same time... I realize that what I write here might be construed by some as "preaching." I don't mean or intend it that way, but that doesn't mean nobody reads it as such. So I need to be careful with my words. When I refer to God, or walking with Him, I need to make sure that whatever I say is in His Word. Because what if I say something that's "off" and somewhere, someone reads it as truth and is hurt or suffers because of it?

Next it talks about help. There have been several times when I've clearly been in a position where I can and should help. And when I do that, it can be hard not to just take over. To say, "You don't know how to do this. I do. I'll do it for you." Because that's not helping. That's taking over.

Those are the two parts of this verse I'm focusing on tonight. Perhaps tomorrow I'll keep going. Stay tuned - I've got another post up my sleeve. It may go up tonight, or tomorrow morning. I'm not quite sure yet.

One of THOSE kinds of days...

Yesterday, that is.

Nothing bad happened, but neither was I feeling particularly inspired as I sat down to come up with a blog post. It was just... full. A full, exhausting day.

Today doesn't really see me in "the groove" either, but I wanted to share a little of my past with all of you.

For quite a few wonderful, sweet months, I had the privilege of loving and caring for an amazing little boy. I was his nanny. And loved it.

Here's just a glimpse of what I saw during that time:

He was usually happy and playful. He loved this big, yellow, fuzzy duck best of all. He was also, like many very young children, not at all inclined to hold still. Many of the pictures I took were like this one: With him technically in the shot, but at a strange and sometimes fun angle.

Sometimes, I'd notice him doing this... sucking on one corner of his lip and looking at something over there. This was often times followed by...

...this look. Whenever he shot me this look of pure innocence over his shoulder, I knew he was up to something he was not supposed to be doing.

When I'd bust him, he'd make this face at me. I was seriously expected to discipline and correct this child, without laughing at his naughtiness. Even though he had giant sparkly brown eyes and an obnoxiously cute fake pout.

Once he figured out that I was going to actually be serious for a moment and make him behave, he'd get mad. Somewhere, somehow, he picked up a goofy habit. Instead of screaming or crying, he'd take a deep breath and blow it out like this. And usually, I'd lose control and laugh, hard, at him maintain a serious face and teach him all the things he should and shouldn't do.

My absolute favorite time was nap time though. He was a snuggler. He'd crawl up in my lap, and lay his warm little head on my shoulder. His hand would creep up and wrap itself in my hair, and his little body would relax in my arms. Sometimes, I'd put him in his crib or playpen, and sometimes we'd lay down together on his futon, but usually, I'd just hold him and stare at the miracle he was.

And lastly, just for the fact that it's cute and it's funny, here are five pictures shot one right after the other. This is what would happen when I'd give the baby peas. He, in case you can not tell, definitely did not like them.

I was SO cute.

I was a very cute baby. I'm not a person who looks at myself and sees pretty or cute or attractive, but when I look at my baby shots, I can't help myself. I had so much baby fat, and the cutest little round head, and the biggest dark blue eyes. I was looking at some pictures of me as a little kid. And I was so cute! So, lacking a scanner at the moment, I chose to take pictures of the pictures just so I could share them with you.


Me as a newborn.


Me at somwhere between 4 and 6 months old.


All my fat rolls.


I cut my teeth on corn cobs. Apparently, I really liked them.


Yes. I spent my first birthday covered with Chicken Pox.


My school picture when I was 4, entering preschool.

Hope you enjoyed that - just a brief glimps of me as a young, cute, innocent kid.

Not Me Monday

"So MckMama..." is a phrase frequently uttered in our home, by myself and my husband. MckMama is one of those rare people who lets herself be seen by others. She lets us see her as she follows Christ - flaws and all.

Each week, MckMama hosts a blogfest called "Not Me Monday." Not Me Monday is, in a nutshell, a no-cost-involved self-therapy program designed for people like me. It gives those who participate full license to disclose all of those details that we usually keep carefully hidden. It also allows us (the participants) to read about all of the things that other people definitely did *NOT* do this past week.

So here are my "Not Me Monday's." Be sure to head on over to MckMama's Blog to check out more, that are probably more entertaining than mine could ever be.

1. I am not currently staring at my sweet, sweet Furbis cat. Because he is definitely not the Epitome of Catness. No, not he. And no, not me.
   
   
   
2. My husband and I most certainly did sit idly and passively by as our cats (three of the four) tried vainly to get into a paper bag full of crinkly bags of potato chips. Nope. And we didn't laugh very hard. And we didn't discuss the fact that we were being naughty kitty parents by letting them be so destructive and then decide that really, it didn't matter. Because the fun of watching did NOT outweigh our desire to train them to be good, model-citizen style kitties.
   
3. Just today, while typing up this post, I did NOT suddenly realize that I forgot to put up my Christmas play list. And I did not spend nearly an hour and a half preparing that play list for this blog. Only to forget to actually change it. No. Not I. And if that had happened, I wouldn't have decided I'd better at least listen to it once. And I am not forcing myself, on January 3rd, to listen to my Christmas music. No.
   
4. I did not spend the days since my surgery wishing my husband would do dishes. There wouldn't have been many to do if I had, since we are mostly living off of paper plates and disposable silverware. And I didn't remind my husband yet again that I wanted him to do them. After all, it's something he hates doing. And he never promised to do them. So why would I expect him to?
   In light of that... I did not come down the stairs, look through the kitchen wall, and see my husband kneeling on the bathroom floor over a bathtub full of soapy water and dirty dishes. Definitely not. Because, I need to remind you, we do not live in a construction zone. We are not able to look through most of our walls due to a lack of drywall. And, just because we don't have a kitchen sink, that doesn't mean we do our dishes in the bathtub.
   But... if all of that had happened, he for sure would have scored some major brownie points with me.
   
5. I am not currently searching for a job. And I did not seriously spend over an hour filling out an online interview thing for a local company, and get all the way to the point of needing to choose a time for my face-to-face interview before realizing that I actually do not want to work there. Not even sort of. Because I always think about that sort of thing before I fill out applications.
   
6. It is not remarkably windy outside. And I am not noticing that this wind has actually blown 2/3 of the snow off the neighbor's roof. There was not nearly a foot of the cold white stuff on that roof just last night. I cannot see shingles. Because that would mean it is too windy. And I don't secretly wish that I, like my neighbor, was somewhere warmer just now.
   
7. In the process of demolition this summer, we did not dislodge a skunk from his home beneath our foundationless (is that a word) entryway. And that same skunk did not then dig underneath our new deck (which replaced the entryway) and take up residence once again. We have not become resigned to the presence of this skunk. And we for sure have not actually grown fond of him.
   And he isn't so used to us that he doesn't spray us. He doesn't sit quietly on our deck as we enter and exit our house. I haven't quit being startled when I see a skunk on my porch. We did not actually name this skunk. How weird would that be?? But if all of that were actually true, surely the skunk would be so used to us that he would rarely emit any smell at all, and his name would be Leroy.
   
8. We do not use miscellaneous little scraps of drywall as serving platters. Just because they have great thermal properties and don't heat up when you put a 300 degree bowl on them, and just because they are EVERYWHERE in our house right now, doesn't mean we'd stoop to using construction rubble as serving ware. No. Not us.
   
9. I am not desperately grasping at random things in order to create a substantial Not-Me-Monday Post.

I Have A Reason

Desert Song

~(c) Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've recieved I will sow

You may have noticed there is a new song playing. It's called "Desert Song." Not so much just now, today, but in the not very distant past, the words of this song really struck something inside of me. Knowing the story behind the song - the immense pain, the heartache and grief that the singer was experiencing at the time the song was first released... makes it mean a little bit more to me.

But really, the part that struck me, that resonated with something deep inside?

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

I do have a reason to sing. I do have a reason to worship. All of the time. Whether my life is going fabulously, or falling apart. There have been several times that I have been truly broken. Not upset. Not at the end of myself. Not desperate. Or at least, not just those things. But broken. Truly, honestly broken.

It's not good to spend all of one's time looking back, contemplating the past. But there are some things that are good to remember. I have been in the place of utter darkness. The place where I wasn't fighting for peace, joy, or hope. I was torn between life and death, two forces waging war within me. In Deuteronomy, the Lord says "I have set before you this day life and death. Choose life." I have done that. I chose life, and when I did, He was there. Welcoming. Loving. Healing.

I have fallen on my knees with tears streaming down my face as I said, "Lord, not my will, but yours be done." I have surrendered the earthly confidence I had, given up that which I had so carefully kept from my King. And it was painful. But He was there. Approving. Comforting.

In the bathroom of a convenience store, I have leaned over a sink as everything around me seemed to be closing in. I have whispered, "Lord, it hurts. How can she be gone? My baby... Lord, my baby. Help me." And He was there. He knows pain. Knows anguish. And He comforts. He does not leave. He is not afraid.

In all of that (and so much more that I just can't share here) He is with me. But the reason I sing? The reason I worship? Because my God, He is God. A faithful God. Who keeps His covenant. And He has promised me that if I believe, if I confess Him as Lord, and if I surrender my life to His Lordship... I will be saved. I do not have to fear death. And I don't have to fear life. I can embrace it, knowig I am redeemed. A blessed, beloved child of the Most High God. And that is why I sing. That is why I worship.

Stellan, and 2008.

First off, an important and exciting update. Baby Stellan is home. At home. Not eight or ten days after being admitted. He actually went home yesterday. He was admitted on Monday. What a blessing. His recovery has been swift. God is so faithful.

Moving on.

2008 was a long, interesting year to say the least. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. Instead, I am going to overwhelm you with pictures that depict the year. Here I go:

The single biggest, most significant event in my eyes? My dad's wedding. I could write pages and pages and then even more pages about that. Not the event itself - that was a quick ceremony followed by a leisurely snack time in the chapel. But the marriage. I've heard other adults say that when their parent remarried, they were jealous. Or they didn't approve. Or they were worried about someone getting hurt. That's not the case at all with me.

I'm blessed. I am thrilled. I watch the two of them as they love each other. So much. They love God, and they are pursuing him side by side. They are not alone. She is a beautiful, Godly woman. You'll find no objections here. It's been hard to get used to him being so far away (only an hour and a half or so, but that seems far when I'm used to it being only twenty minutes). But it's definitely worth it. With their union, I became big sister to three amazing people. Again... I am so blessed.

What's next? The work we've done on our house. First, here's some shots of one of our first days of demolition. They don't show the OH so fine white paneling with gold grain, nor do they show the gold-flower-swirled ceiling tiles. But other than that, you'll get some idea of what we started with:

The west face of the house.


The south-east face of the house (front).


The east face of the house.


The rubbish pile we made that first day.


The kitchen then.


The same kitchen - slightly different angle.


The upstairs hallway. At the end, you can see into the area that is now our guest room. There is no longer a hallway - the stairs now open up into our office area, which is 1/4 of the upstairs.


This is the room that is now part of our office area. When I was a child, this was my play room. That's my telescope in the corner.


This is the master bedroom. Out of every room, it is the one that has changed the least.

We stripped it down to the exterior walls and joists and rafters - removed and/or rebuilt all of the interior walls. Here are some "rubble shots." for you, from the following weeks.


Living room area.


Kitchen area.


Looking from upstairs down the hole left by the removal of the chimney.


My husband standing on the stairs while removing insulation.


The upstairs.


The downstairs being rebuilt - look at all that new lumber.


The new walls upstairs.


The east side of the house the day we put insulation up and windows in.


The west side of the house the day we put insulation up and windows in. You can sort of see me, my grandpa, my dad, and my dad's friend Charlie standing in front of it.

Let's see... what else happened this year?

My high-school boyfriend got married to a sweet girl named Jessica. I was at their wedding. In fact, I was the photographer. What a privilege it was - it is so good to see him happy. We still go to the same church, and are still on friendly terms. That's pretty cool, in my opinion. Here's a couple pictures from that.

I love how content she looks here... as if she knows she is loved.

It's interesting... there's so much more that's happened this year, that I don't have pictures for or of. Some friends of ours, after many years of trying and praying, finally had a son. He is, in a not feminine way, the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. We rejoice with them.

My plan was to conclude with some dramatic statement of what I've learned this year, or maybe end with an incredible shot of... something. But really, the one thing that's been proven the most cannot be photographed, and I don't have words adequate to describe it. What is it? God's faithfulness. Because in all else, no matter what, He's been faithful. Our ever-present Help. And that is really and truly what this year has been about.

An Update.

Just to let you all know:
Stellan is recovering. God is proving Himself faithful yet again. He (Stellan) is no longer on oxygen. He no longer has an IV. He is in a regular room, on a regular floor, instead of in PICU. He's nursing. His oxygen sats are staying above 90. All of this means he is recovering. Praise God!

Time to Reflect.

In keeping with tradition, on this, the first day of 2009, I am going to do some reflecting. Both on the year to come, and on the year that's just passed.

So... about 2008. It was a year. A year that seemed to take forever. And flew by, all at once.

It started with the culmination of the first year without her.

That anniversary, which is now just 30 days away, is a hard one. It is almost incomprehensible that she's been gone nearly two years now. At the same time, it seems like she's been gone for years. It feels like I've lived a whole new lifetime without her. Does that make any sense?

After that anniversary, things shifted focus a bit to a remodelling project, which we're still in the midst of. It's been draining. Difficult. It's caused conflict, anxiety, discouragement. But it's also a blessing. My husband and I wanted a house that was truly our own, truly "us." We want to minister to people - and that's happened even in the midst of all this. The location is phenomonal.

We volunteered with a cat rescue, and raised five kittens (two separate litters) by hand. Three went to new homes. Two, we fell for and they still live with us.

My dad married a beautiful, sweet, Godly woman. It was a day of rejoicing, and also a little bitter-sweet. My gramma would have loved to be there. She'd have been so happy. And Kelly, my new step-mom, would have loved her. She'd have been so blessed and privelaged to have a relationship with her.

My husband and I were faced with a battle which was not, is not, and likely will not ever be public knowledge. A battle we're still fighting. It's been challenging. But we are winning. And we will overcome. Because of God. We've not been fighting alone. Our Pastor has stood with us, and directed us to someone who is able to give us the tools necessary to come out of this stronger, better, and whole.

We were faced with impending homelessness. With less than two weeks to go before we were literally left with NO place to go, my cat became very ill, very suddenly. That might sound slightly trivial to you, but not to me. Not when he may be the closest thing I'll have to a child for years to come. Not when life was piled up so high around me that it was hard to breathe. With less than a week before homelessness, we were presented with a way out (God is always faithful that way). We moved to a somewhat dumpy little place in a less-than-desirable location. We stayed there for three months and were then forced to move again. We ended up here, in our construction zone. Er... home. We have walls in our bedroom and the guest room. We have exterior walls on two sides of the downstairs, and a ceiling in about 1/2 of the house. Otherwise, it's still bare studs and insulation.

And we are blessed. We are not hungry. Actually, I am hungry, but that could be remedied if I merely went downstairs and got something to eat. We are not cold. We are not without clothing. We have a vehical to drive.

We pushed and hemmed and hawed and stalled, and I ended up having surgery just six days before Christmas. It was stressful (and painful), but went significantly better than anticipated. It was shorter, less involved, and easier to recover from than we'd have dared to hope.

And now, to look ahead.

What will 2009 hold for us? I wish I knew. Then again... if I'd known in advance what 2007 would hold, I don't think I could have handled it. If I'd known what 2008 would be like, I'd have wanted to run away to a cave somewhere and hide. God gives me the strength and grace sufficient for today. He doesn't give me the strength to process and handle all that will come, until it is here. Does that make sense?

Anyway... in 2009, I will:

Along with my husband, become the owner of a home. Our first. That's pretty cool. :)

Get a job. Somewhere. Doing something.

Begin and work through a process of healing and reconciliation.

Continue to serve faithfully in my church.

Continue to love children and have a heart to impact their lives.

Work harder to develop my photography business.

Love God more, deeper, and with more intensity.

Continue to share myself here, on this blog, hoping that somewhere, someone will be impacted for the better by what they read here.