Not Me Monday - 4th Edition

"So MckMama..." is a phrase frequently uttered in our home. Mostly by me. Or... maybe it's only uttered by me? Hmmm... regardless. MckMama is currently serving as the primary place of residence for one youngster affectionately known as MckMuffin. Or, in the real world, Stellan. Stellan is living proof that miracles do indeed happen. The fact that his heart is still beating today, is a miracle. The fact that his mom, dad, sister, and brothers have not had to say "good-bye" to him is a miracle.

Stellan's mom, "MckMama," hosts a blog carnival. It is called "Not Me Monday." Not Me Monday is a great way to be real, honest, and open with strangers from all over the world. I invite you to read mine, and read MckMama's. On her blog, you'll find links to all sorts of Not Me Monday participants. I think you'll enjoy it. I know I sure have.

1) I did not make a mess while securing the windows in our new house. And if I did make a mess. I would not have inadvertently glued my hand to the glue gun. And if I did do that, I would not have decided it would be easier to finish gluing and then free my hand. And even if all of that did happen, I doubt it would have really taken over an hour for me to remove the large chunks of glue from my skin. Not me.
2) I do not get a secret thrill and rush out of driving in condtions (weather) that require me to go slow, be careful, and pray. And if I DID get said rush and thrill, I wouldn't ENJOY it. Nope. Not I.3) I did not put a tin snip on top of the ladder. With the safety catch NOT engaged. And then forget. And move the ladder. And have said tin snip fall on me. I also did not pretend nothing happened when my grandpa looked up. Nope. Not me.4) I have not been so spazzy about our house project that I find myself being cranky to my husband, to my father-in-law, to my grandpa, and anybody else who moves. I have more self control than that.5) I did not come home and notice a pile of "cat vomit / hair ball" in the office doorway. And it did not consist of, as far as I could see initially, blood, worms, and fur. And I didn't spend five minutes trying to figure out how any of our cats could possibly be that sick and that worm-infested and still seem so very healthy. And at the end of that five minutes, I didn't notice a foot and a tail on the "hair ball." I also didn't figure out that the "worms" were actually intestines. And if that DID happen, I seriously doubt I'd use a wad of paper towel to pick up said... thing. And show it to my husband. The reason this couldn't have happened is because my cat would NEVER catch a mouse and swallow it whole. All though if he DID do that... the above scenario would suddenly seem less far fetched. Especially if you consider his size.

Today. Two sides.

Today. Lots of good things will happen today.

We'll find a better mask for my husband to wear (not the dress up kind). One that will enable him to keep breathing at night. And at the same time, will prevent the infection on the bridge of his nose from getting any deeper or larger.

We will also (and this is the really good thing) go to church. At church, we will join with a bunch of other believers. We will worship our God. We will sing. We will pray. We will raise our hands. Maybe get on our knees. After that, we will hear the Word of God. We have a Pastor. A good Pastor. Who will set for the Word of God. He will do it in a manner that makes it clear and easy to understand. In a manner untainted by opinion or puplar culture. By the time we leave, we will have heard, understood, and been shown how to apply it to our lives. A blessing.

That is the first side of today.

The second side? The second side is where I am depending on God to carry me through. To give me the strength to continue to stand.

This morning when I woke, I felt... ill. Like puking. Dizzy. Achy. Painful stomach. The part of all that that is disturbing? This has been happening with increasing frequency. My faith is there. I believe I have been healed. He paid the price already. There is nothing more He needs to do. It's already been done. And here I am. I'm not saying "This is all my fault." But neither would I ever say "God is doing this" or "God is not healing me." The truth is... my faith could be stronger. I could be a "better" Christian. But. I cannot say with absolute certainty that if my faith was stronger than anybody else's on this planet, and if I were the PERFECT christian, I would not have this struggle. I have to say this: Life, is life. For everyone. None of us immune to struggle or temptation or trial. None of us able to completely circumvent all hardship. In light of this...

We will be scheduling surgery soon. They will once again remove endometriosis from my various and assorted internal organs. And after that? I will be trialing a new medication. One which will slow the growth of endometriosis. So that it does not come back right away. And then? I am depending on what God has done for me. I am depending on the healing that He has said is mine. In His Word. I have to cling to that. I have no alternative. And I know that what He says, He means. And what He says and means, is true. As to how this mixes with the fact that I, less than 24 hours ago, took medication to mask the symptoms of this disease.

Not Me Monday - 3rd Edition

I frequent MckMama's blog. MckMama has been the source of much laughter in my home. All I have to do to get my husband laughing is walk in the room and say "So, MckMama..." and he's gone. I don't think I'd even need to follow it up. He says the name is what does it. Regardless, I read her blog. You might enjoy doing so, too.
So, MckMama is hosting this thing called "Not Me Monday." In this thing, participants make a list of those things which they most certainly did NOT do this past week. Those things that nobody does, and even if they did... they'd never share.

1) I did not set my alarm and then forget to actually turn it on. And then sleep until noon. Nope. I don't like sleeping that much.

2) I did not just laugh hysterically as my kitten sat on my husband's face. And if that had happened, I certainly wouldn't have neglected to help him remove her. Nope. I also wouldn't threaten to put her back and take a picture. Nuh-uh. No way.

3) I would never forget about a half gallon of milk hidden in the fridge. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't miss the fact that the jug was slowly expanding. And even if all of that happened, I DEFINATELY wouldn't neglect to notice it until the jug ruptured. Nope. Not me. That is TOTALLY disgusting.

4) This week, I did not get myself into a t.v. show that is really just not that good. Because I do not have friends that would recommend shows that might be strangely addictive. And even if those things were true, I wouldn't take advantage of watching TV on-line for free.

5) I did not hit my hand and arm with a hammer no fewer than 15 times before it occured to me to hold the parts I was securing differently. Because that would mean I was ridiculously stubborn.

6) I would never spend thirty minutes driving with hands that were nearly black with... whatever it is that gets on hands when working with aluminum. I'd imagine, it's aluminum. :) And if I did that, I certainly wouldn't forget to scrub them clean before eating something...

This week hasn't held very many "did not" moments for me. Or if it has, I don't remember them. I guess that's what working crazy hard does to a person.

Not Me Monday - 2nd Edition

I frequent MckMama's blog. MckMama has been the source of much laughter in my home. All I have to do to get my husband laughing is walk in the room and say "So, MckMama..." and he's gone. I don't think I'd even need to follow it up. He says the name is what does it. Regardless, I read her blog. You might enjoy doing so, too.

So, MckMama is hosting this thing called "Not Me Monday." In this thing, participants make a list of those things which they most certainly did NOT do this past week. Those things that nobody does, and even if they did... they'd never share.

1) I most certainly did not just employ my 4 month old kitten to lick up the melted butter that I spilled on the floor, rather than using paper towel. But if I did, I would have used dish soap and water after the cat licked most of it up.

2) I did not drop a pen under my desk and then break my keyboard tray in my effort to retrieve it. And if that did happen, I wouldn't have scrambled around and wound up using a pliers and just the removable head from a ratchet screwdriver to fix it. At 1:30 AM. Nope. No way.

3) I did not, and would not ever, and have never before, stay up three hours past the "sleepy" point in order to watch episodes of my favorite t.v. show - that I've seen several times already. Nope, not me. 4) I did not dig and dig a year ago until I found a place online where I can watch my shows for free as often as I want, because someone needs to pay for these things so they can keep making them. 5) I did not nearly chicken out after spending more than $50 on a gift for my dad, and choose not to give it to him. But if I had, my husband saying, "It even made me cry when I was looking through it" would have persuaded me that it wasn't as cheesy as I thought. 6) I did not knowingly drive somewhere between 120 and 140 miles with a dying alternator. I did not deliberately exercise denial, pretending that it must be just a bad battery. Nope. And I certainly did not hide the fact that we were being... foolish... from my husband. Uh-uh. But if I had done that, I would have used the knowledge that we'd always be within 30 minutes of a close friend or relative to reassure me (yes, they're that spread out). 7) And finally, I did not start this post last week on Monday afternoon, and schedule it to post early Monday morning. Because I do not actually care about looking lazy to my *many* readers. And I don't think that making this post automatically publish nice and early would help me in the quest to look ambitions. Nope, not I. So what did you not do this week?

Revealing Post.

So. I usually don't say a whole lot about myself here. Or my life. Today's going to be a little different. And I may actually come back and un-post this. But for now, here it is.

Today, my mind is all muddled and jumbled. A combination of pain, fatigue, sadness, frustration, medication, and some other emotions from a private battle are responsible. I'd like to say "I'm clinging to _______ from the Bible today and it's really keeping me from sinking." But to be totally honest, I'm not clinging. Clinging implies that I've got both arms and both legs wrapped around and I won't let go no matter what. The truth? I'm grasping weakly. I don't like to admit that. I'd prefer the world see a "super woman" strength and unshakable faith. Unwavering. Totally stable. But. That isn't me.

Where am I? And how am I really?

I am in a chair. Shifting from side to side to alleviate pain. It doesn't work. But, I can't not do it. I am looking at my cat. He's so peaceful. He's so cute. I am listening to uplifting music. And I am sad. It's not a serious sad. And it's not a dangerous sad. It's just... sad. And it's for a bunch of reasons. But the one that pushes me over the edge, and makes those other reasons capable of instilling said sadness? It's fall. This has happened every year. Every year, I say this is the last time. And this year? This is the last time. It has to be. Right?

I guess it just seems like right now, some really big things are all heaped up and I don't know how to sort them out of the pile to set them straight.

But one thing I can do? I can let people see me. I can let them see that I am just as flawed as they are. Maybe even more so. And I can show the world that in spite of my weakness, my God does still love me. I don't understand that. But He does.

My God is the EVERLASTING GOD. He is the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow weary or tired. His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary. And I am indeed weary.
He increases the power of the weak. And I am weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. I hope in Him. Without Him, I have NO hope. With Him, I do. I'm waiting. My strength will be renewed.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Not Me Monday - Courtesy of MckMama.

I frequent MckMama's blog. MckMama has been the source of much laughter in my home. All I have to do to get my husband laughing is walk in the room and say "So, MckMama..." and he's gone. I don't think I'd even need to follow it up. He says the name is what does it. Regardless, I read her blog. You might enjoy doing so, too. So, MckMama is hosting this thing called "Not Me Monday." In this thing, participants make a list of those things which they most certainly did NOT do this past week. Those things that nobody does, and even if they did... they'd never share. (**hint: the idea here is to write things that are, in fact, true. You get this hint one time though, so if you start reading next week, you don't get the hint**) Here's mine. 1) I did not lay in bed last night for twenty minutes having visions of waffles with lots of sticky syrup. And after twenty minutes, I most certainly did not get up and make said waffles and eat them. That would be bad for my metabolism. 2) I did not decide that since I was in too much pain to move, I was certainly not moving enough to require showering and skip said shower three days in a row. Nope. Not me. 3) I did not stand and stare at my sleeping husband and laugh at how funny his face looks with a cpap on it. I wouldn't do that, and I certainly wouldn't tell anybody else about it. Although if I did do that, I'd feel compelled to share the fact that with the cpap, he sleeps so much better and already seems to be feeling better overall, after just a few short nights. 4) I absolutely do not waste time. And I also absolutely did not just spend 45 minutes watching grey's anatomy and reading other people's "Not Me Monday" posts. 5) I did not, on multiple occasions, hide the fact that I was in pain from my husband, and then get secretly annoyed when he didn't notice. I'm not that confusing. 6) I did not just spend 72 minutes pushing snooze on my alarm while wondering what the point was in getting up. 7) I did not, on multiple occasions, think "This would be great for 'Not Me Monday' and then promptly forget what 'this' was."

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I read my old posts and wonder what happened. Not as in "What was I thinking then?" but "Why am I not thinking that now?"

It is so easy, living in this world, to get distracted. Discouraged. Heavy hearted. Downtrodden. It is easy to lay down at night, and have your final thought before sleep be "I really should have read my Bible today..."

It is easy to get caught up in complaining, whining, bickering. It is easy to want to just "fit in" for a while. It is easy to let go of hope and embrace pessimism.

It is easy to beat myself up. To think my faith is too weak, I need more discipline, I've failed yet again. It is easy to feel like I'm not really saved at all, but just pretending. I don't usually write about these things - not because I want to hide them, but because when I sit down to write here, my brain shifts into "Bible-Girl-Mode." I can't help but think of all the good things God has done. Of how awesome He really is. About the ways He has been touching me, personally. So, before I went any further, I wanted to let all of my readers (all... um... 3? of them) know that I'm not any more perfect or struggle-free than anybody else I know.

I don't have any commentary today, just a passage that I read when I find myself questioning what He really thinks about me, what He'd really want for me.

In it, Jesus is praying to God the Father. He just finished praying specifically for His disciples, and is now praying for "all who will believe in him through their message." That "all" includes me. If you believe, it includes you, too.

John 17:20-26

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

Father, I want those you have given me to be where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

Righteous father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

Yesterday and Today.

Yesterday, my mouth was on my mind. The subject of concern. Pain. Swelling. Fever. Several days of this. Last night, we had leadership meeting at church. This isn't just for leaders in the church, but it's for all believers who want to grow and mature. It's more meat than a "regular" service would be.

I went with the expectation that I would ask someone to pray for me. That I would come home well.

Read these verses with me...

Proverbs 4:20-22, AMP

My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh.

Last night's meeting was, as usual, full of scripture. I heard the Word of God. I learned. I listened. I let it seep into my deepest parts. And, as time went by... my mouth. It stopped hurting. The swelling (inside) started to disappear. I felt less feverish. Less achy. By 9:15, when the meeting was over... so was whatever was wrong. And still today - all is well. No pain. I can swallow normally. No fever.

So today, I am reminding myself of the promise of God... that His Word brings healing and health to all my flesh.

Error.

Error. It's part of my life. I do it. Pretty frequently. I hate it. I wish it weren't so. I am imperfect and flawed.

So is my husband.

He has made an error. One with some very... definate repercussions. One which will probably bother him for quite some time. I wish I knew how to help him. Wish I could say comforting words to make this go away. But, I've got nothing.

But even so, even in light of this... I love him. I am so thankful for him. I don't regret marrying him. And I'm proud of him.

The 46th Psalm.

Verse 1, Amplified Bible
God is our Refuge and Strength - mighty and impenetrable to temptation - a very present and well-proved help in trouble.

God. Creator of the universe. Wholly self-existent and self-sufficient. Omnipotent. Ever present, ever faithful, ever perfect God. Is my refuge? And my strength? What does that mean?

To me, it means this: When everything around me is falling apart, when I can't see anywhere to run, I can run to Him. I may not see him with my physical eyes. I may not be wrapped in His arms. But He is my refuge. I can go there to be protected. Safe.

I looked up "refuge" in a dictionary. Here's what I found:
A refuge is shelter or protection from danger or trouble. It is a place of shelter, protection, or safety. It is anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.

That is my God. He is my shelter in times of trouble. He is my protection when I find myself in danger. I am safe with Him. He gives me aid. He puts people into my life who help. He's not deserted me yet, and I know he never will. He gives me relief. No matter what is happening, He gives me relief. He doesn't always take me out of the situation. He doesn't always take away the pain. But there is a peace... a peace that is a healing balm to the most dreadfully wounded soul. It cools the fire of rage. Warms the cold of betrayal. He is my escape. When all else fails, when there is nothing else to cling to, I can know this: if my life ends right now, I will find myself in His presence.

And what of this strength that this verse talks about? Do I really have that? I often don't think so. I feel weak. I feel flawed. I see every time I stumble. I know the worst parts of me. But others... they say I have that. My Pastor looked me in the eyes less than a week ago and told me I was "unusually strong." I don't understand that, at least not completely. It's not that I think I'm floppy or weak. It's just... any strength I have comes from God. And, while I see my flaws more than others do, I also see what He's done for me more than they do. And He's done so much. And He's made me strong. But the thing is... my strength shouldn't be unusual. We all have the opportunity to know the same God. I think maybe there's a lot of people running around who look weak on the outside. But really, if we could see inside them, we'd find that they're stronger than we ever imagined.

Verses 2-3, NIV
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

I get pictures in my mind. Pictures of giant chasms opening in the earth. People, faces reflections of terror, peering into the depths. Coastlines dissolving and disappearing into the sea. Swells of water washing away cities and even nations. Mountains far from the sea trembling from its wrath. I can see this in my mind. And there's no fear. If all that happened, if every last thing I know and love is ripped away... I still have God. And what could compare to that? And if God is for me, who shall I fear? Who (or what) could possibly be against me and have a hope of succeeding?

Verses 4-6, NIV
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the Holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The thing here that strikes me is this... "He lifts His voice, the earth melts." Do you know what it takes to melt earth? I don't. I can't begin to fathom the frequency of vibration or the intensity of heat required. Not just melting old lava or anything like that. Melting earth. The world. A planet. Wow. And simply raising His voice can accomplish this. That is an awesome thought. Fearful. Wonderful. Did I mention the word "wow"?

Verse 7, New Century Version
The Lord All-Powerful is with us; the God of Jacob is our defender.

All that stuff we just read? Everything I just said about this God? He is our defender. He defends us. Not just from things hear on earth. Not just from bad people. But, most of all, He defends us when Satan is raging in our faces, shouting all the things we've done wrong. Painting terribly detailed images of our failings and short comings. Illuminating every evil thought and deed, and railing against us. Demanding our spirit and soul, claiming them as his. Forever. In the face of that, we have God. He is our defender. He says, "No. This one is mine." And whatever he tries, Satan can't have us. He can't win. Because we have this most awesome defender.

Verses 8-9, Amplified Bible
Come, behold the works of the Lord, Who has wrought desolations and wonders in the earth. He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow into pieces and snaps the spear in two; He burns the chariots in the fire.

Verse 10, NIV
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

This one is whispered to me a lot. In the midst of turmoil and confusion. When I'm angry. When I'm tired. When I'm upset. When the tears are hot and emotions wild. Somehow, I'll hear just a gentle whisper... "Be still. And know that I am God." I've been trying to listen to that more.

When life is falling apart... or at least seems to be falling apart... it's when I listen to those words that God is able to minister to me. It's not while I pace the floor, ranting about how terrible it is. It's not when I'm on my knees crying out for help. It's not when I call someone to "just listen." It's when I turn off the music. Disconnect the phone. Lock the doors. Close the blinds. Put the cats in a different room. Kneel down. Close my eyes. And I'm still. In that stillness, I can hear as He whispers to my heart. I'm not to busy to notice the peace that begins to rise. I focus my thoughts on who He is. On His might. His power. His love. His never ending, never failing love. And I know that He is God. And... it works.

The situation doesn't always change. Sometimes, it almost seems to get worse. But I'm reminded of that one all-important truth - God is for me. He loves me. He loves me so much, He allowed His SON to be sacrificed for me. I'll touch on this a different day, but for now let me say this... I would gladly give my life for someone. I wouldn't think twice about running into a burning building to try to save them. I'd even allow my husband to do it. But my child? I don't have kids here on earth. But I've loved a particular child with the most intense, heart-rending and sweet love I have ever known. I can only imagine the love for my own flesh and blood will be so much more than that. And I wouldn't give up that child for someone. Not even you. No way. But God loves us... He loves us that much.

Verse 11, New Century Version
The Lord All-Powerful is with us; the God of Jacob is our defender.

An Old Hymn.

One of my very favorite hymns. I used to love singing this song in church. It says, in a way far more beautiful than I myself could do, what I choose each day to give to my God. You'll want to pause the music at the side of this blog, and watch this video. Listen. Close your eyes. Think about the words.



Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing always, only, for my King.

Take my silver and my gold - not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days - let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my will, and make it Thine - it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart, it is Thine own - it shall be Thy royal throne.



Take my self and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Just the Word.

Taken from the Message Bible. Ephesians chapter 6. Verses 11-18.

And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and He wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the devil and all his angels (demons).

Be prepared. Your up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

Psalm 37.

Days like this - when my head is full and my heart even more full, and I can't seem to find a starting point, I turn to my Bible. It brings peace, it brings promise. It brings correction and reproof. It brings clarity. Come with me, through Psalm 37. It's an old favorite, one that's been comforting for me for so many years.

Verses 1-2
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.

This one spoke to me specifically at a time when I was truly afraid of certain people. I was afraid of what they could do, what they could say. Afraid of the pain they could inflict, not just on me, but on themselves and on others. It changed the way I looked at them. I stopped being afraid of them, and started praying that God would intervene in them. If they will soon die away, they don't have much time. And no matter what a person does, hell is not something I could ever want for them.

Verses 3-6
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Trust in the Lord. We say it all the time. It's a phrase we toss around like so many empty platitudes. But what does it really say?
I looked up the word trust. Here's what I found:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of someone or something; confidence
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. someone or something on which one relies

Of course, there were several more paragraphs, but those three stood out to me. Trust in the Lord. Rely on His integrity, strength, ability, and surety. Confidently expect... what? Expect HIM to make your righteousness shine like the dawn. Have you ever been awake at dawn? I have. It starts with the horizon looking just a little lighter. If there are clouds, the bottoms glow orange or golden, sometimes red. Then, suddenly, light floods the earth as a sliver of light, blindingly brilliant for eyes adjusted to the dark cracks the horizon. That is how He'll make your righteousness shine. Dawn gets brighter, more beautiful. So will your righteousness. Not because of you or your own strength or ability. Because of Him and His ability and strength and perfection.

There's so much more just in these few verses. I'll leave it at this, for now - I'm sure I'll be back to this Psalm before long.

Verse 7
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

My focus, my interest, the part that really speaks to me in this verse? The first portion. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. I'm learning this. I'm working on this. I'm doing my best in this. I've got the waiting patiently part - not totally or completely, but it's something I've gotten better at. I am far more patient than I used to be. It's the "Be still" part. When you go before the Lord, do you do what I do? Do you start talking and talking and talking? Do you feel compelled to fill the silence? I do. I'm learning not to. In the past year, I've been learning to just... be. Just quietly wait for Him to speak to my heart.

I like to be outside. The times when I feel closest to God, when I most often hear Him speak to my heart, are when I am outside. Alone. Somewhere quiet and peaceful. I like to find a rock or a fallen tree and sit. I like to soak in the sunlight, smell the flowers and the grass, let the songs of birds fill my mind and quiet my thoughts. It is then, in the stillness, when I feel Him the strongest. It is in times like that when He's whispered reassurance, gently comforted. It is in those times when He's pointed out ways that I'm wrong, things I need to do differently. I love those times. And if I'm not still, they don't happen.

Verses 8-17
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land. A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for He knows their day is coming.

The wicked draw their sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken.

Do you get the impression that wickedness is definitely not the way to go? This particular section has never really gotten to me, so that's all I'm going to write about it.

Verses 18-19
The days of the blameless are known to the Lord, and their inheritance will endure forever. In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

That's a steep promise. One that seems particularly applicable of late. Not that our world is really that disaster or famine ridden - but we do seem to be leaning that general direction. This promise says that I won't wither. It says that I'll enjoy plenty. It says my inheritance will endure forever.

It says my days are known to the Lord. Remember last time I wrote? The Lord. Almighty. Omnipotent. Creator of the universe. Indescribable. Unfathomable. Perfect. And my days are known to Him. Wow.

Why? Because I'm blameless. Not because I'm perfect or have done nothing to be blamed for. But because My GOD has preserved me blameless. He paid the price for me. He ransomed me. He loved me first. Wow.

Verses 20-22
But the wicked will perish: the Lord's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish - vanish like smoke. The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously; those the Lord blesses will inherit the land, but those He curses will be cut off.

Verses 23-24
If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes His steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds Him with His hand.

I like this one. And I'm going to close here - a little more than halfway through this particular Psalm.

I stumble. A lot. I try my best, but overall, I tend to fail. I don't do the things I know I should. I do things I shouldn't. I get irrational, angry, jealous. I lie. I hold grudges. All those things that we like to pretend don't apply to us. But. Even though I stumble, I will not fall.

Because God, Almighty Himself, holds me up with His hand. His powerful, perfect, loving hand.

Psalm 18.

Okay folks, hold on. This is gonna be a loooong post. I'm in Psalm 18, starting with verse one (there's fifty of them all together). Bible words in blue, my own in... whatever you'd call this color.

Verses 1-3
I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn [the strength] of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

I am strong. Stronger than I can begin to describe. Not in myself. Not because of anything that's inside of me. But because the Lord is my strength. I don't understand how that works - how God can be "my" anything. But, He is.

He is so far beyond human. He is indescribable. He is awesome and beautiful. And HE IS MY SHIELD. HE is the strength of my salvation. Not me. Not my faith or resolve. Not my efforts to serve. Him. He is the source and strength. He is a stronghold. I'm anchored in Him. I'm protected. I can never be removed against my will. I praise Him. He does answer me. When I call for help, He answers. And He saves me.

Verses 4-6
The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears.

I have been in that place. Where death swirled around me. Destruction flooded over and around me, swept me from my feet. I was falling. Fast. I struggled to rise up, but could not. Everywhere I turned, darkness loomed. I saw no alternative. Death. Destruction. Darkness. Depression. Despair. Fear. Pain. When I began to see the reality of where I was - when I saw that truly, I was one slippery step away from utter destruction, I cried out. I cried out to God in desperation, crying "Save me." He heard. I know He did. He answered.

Verses 7-15
The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because He was angry. Smoke rose from His nostrils; consuming fire came from His mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under His feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; He soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness His coverying, His canopy around Him - the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

Oh how I love storms. I don't believe that God is inside every one of them, showing His wrath or power. But He was in that one. I'm a visual person. I think with pictures. I see the things I remember.
Last spring, I stood at the top of a thirty foot observation tower. I was surrounded by still water, tall reeds, and the tentative conversation of a few young swans. Dark clouds rushed in, low and fast. Thunder rolled. The tower trembled beneath my feet. With a roar, the wind flattened the grass and bent trees nearly double. I spread my arms and lifted my head, marveling at this awesome power. And knowing that this was too small, too insignificant, to even begin comparing to the power of my God.

Verses 16-19
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

This part trips me up. Remember the previous passage? About the power displayed by the Lord? About the earth trembling? Do you know how big this earth is? And it trembled and quaked, just because He was angry. This isn't some old man up in the sky somewhere waiting to pull us into his sweet embrace. This is God. So awesome and so powerful that when writing scripture, the scribes wouldn't write His whole name. And He reached down from on high and took hold of me?

Yes, He did. He drew me up out of the deep waters. He brought me into a spacious place. A wide open space where I was safe. He took care of me. He put people into my life who knew how to help. He gave them words and wisdom. He chose the bounds of my habitation, and put me somewhere I wouldn't have chosen on my own. He planted me in a loving church. Grafted me into the most amazing family. Gave me sisters. Gave me hope. Gave me love.

Verses 20-24
The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands He has rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not done evil by turning from my God. All His laws are before me; I have not turned away from His decrees. I have been blameless before Him and have kept myself from sin. The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in His sight.

Okay. This one is hard. In my eyes, I have failed. I have not kept the ways of the Lord. I have turned from God. I've turned from His decrees and failed to keep his law (His WORD) before me. I have not been blameless. I have not kept myself from sinning. I am not righteous. I do not have clean hands. But. He has a Son. His name is Jesus. Emmanuel. The Christ. This son was perfect. This Son lowered Himself to become human. He was fully human. And fully God. He died on a cross. A horrible, painful, agonizing death. He descended to hell. He ascended to heaven. His blood has washed me. And it's through and in light of that that God views me. And because of that, I am righteous. I do have clean hands. I am blameless. It is hard to fathom - I'm quite certain I really do not even sort of understand it.

Verses 25-29
To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless, to the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd. You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can dvance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

With my God. He isn't mine. I don't own him. I can't claim his as my very own. And yet, His place in my life is as my God. To Him alone do I surrender everything. My body. My mind. My will. My emotions. My trust. My hope. My faith. My spirit itself. And with Him, I can do anything at all. Even scale the obstacle that currently looms so large before me.

Verses 30-36
As for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; He enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.

I like this passage. I like the reminder. I like the safety. There have been times, particularly as a child, where what I really longed for was someplace to be safe. Some place where I was protected. Somewhere I could run whenever I needed to. God is that place. I can always turn to Him. Regardless of what else happens, He will never change. He'll always stay. He'll always love. He'll always give me the strength I need to fight my battles, and He'll always give me His shield of victory.

I left out some of the verses, as you can see. They are good verses. Worth reading. Worth pondering. Worth studying. All the Word of God is. It's just that at this point, I don't have anything to say about them. Finally, these last few? I have nothing to add. No comments. Let them linger in your mind a while, see what they can do in your heart.

Verses 46-49
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies. You exalted me above my foes; from violent men you rescued me. Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O Lord; I will sing praises to your name.

What's this? A man?

I did a senior picture shoot on Sunday. This is a boy I've known for quite a while now - about five years. Sunday morning at church, I looked at him and saw a boy. For two hours Sunday evening, I worked with them and saw a boy.

Yesterday, I finished processing the pictures. And as I was doing so, I was shocked. Where was that boy? He seems to have disappeared, and left a man in his place. Not a very old man. And one who still has a lot of learning to do. But, still, a man.

?

Right now, I have a big "?" inside. This house project is beginning to wear on me. I'm torn between two dad's - mine and Derek's. Both irritated with the other for valid reasons. Both convinced the other is distinctly lacking knowledge. Both possibly correct. Wanting to be loyal first to my dad, but knowing that Derek's dad has sacrificed a LOT for us this summer and not being willing to do anything that might be construed as "disloyal" to him, either.

Then there's Derek's mom. I don't know how to relate to her. We push each other's buttons. Neither of us are bad people. And we love eachother very much. It's just... hard, I guess. Like most things worth doing.

Meanwhile, I'm taking my sleep-dazed self back to couch (because in this apartment, we don't go to bed, we go to couch).

1096 Days.

1096 days ago, at this time, I was in a car. A little red '95 neon that was somehow still on the road. (For those who are unaware, neons are commonly referred to as "disposable." They're not made to last.)

I was in said car with my wonderful husband. We'd been married for a whole three and a half hours. We were driving to Chicago to catch a plane to Mexico. Our marriage was still, in most ways, made up of dreams and expectations.

1096 days ago, we had no idea that within two years we'd see ourselves with five children in heaven. 1096 days ago, we had no idea that we'd only get to celebrate one anniversary with my grandmother, before she went on to heaven.

1096 days ago, we believed that we'd build our life together. We pictured ourselves restoring a home in which to raise the children we'd simply "believe and try for" and then have. We had no comprehension of the financial, emotional, spiritual and physical obstacles we'd face.

1096 days ago, we kissed for the first time. 1096 days ago, we were eagerly anticipating our "first time together." 1096 days ago, we had the worst sex we've ever had. That sounds awful, but it was. Ask any couple who were virgins when they married - that first time is a doozy.

1096 days ago, we were in love.

731 days ago, we celebrated our first anniversary. We rejoiced that we'd "made it" this far. We were mourning the still fresh loss of our child, and plunging ahead with fertility treatments. 731 days ago, we talked about maybe looking for a house to buy.

731 days ago, we were in love.

366 days ago, we celebrated our first anniversary "without her." We rejoiced in two years of marriage. We'd had 730 days together. We took a big vacation. We saw things too beautiful for words. We stood together dangerously close to a wild grizzly bear. We watched a coyote catch and reject as food some sort of small animal. We made a crazy dash back across the country for the funeral of a friend.

366 days ago, we were in love.

1 day ago, we celebrated our third anniversary over two hostess cupcakes. We rejoiced in three years of marriage. I marveled at how quickly time has gone. I felt a little sad that we've not had any "earth babies" yet. We went to church.

1 day ago, we were in love.

Today, we start our fourth year of marriage. I am still being amazed by the depths of God's love for me. I am almost as amazed by the depths of Derek's love. I am thankful for his patience, dependent on his patience. We're walking together on a journey I thought I'd never have to take. I tried when I was younger, and failed. But now, I've got someone by my side who gives me the courage and strength to do this. I am blessed to have the best husband on the planet. Sorry ladies, I know you think your man is great, but as far as I'm concerned - I got the best one, by far. :)

Today, we are in love.

He Stands Alone

We drove away slowly. I looked at the two of them, standing there. Light gently illuminated their faces. He had on arm around her waist, the other raised in farewell. She was smiling not at us, but up at him. I turned to my husband and told him to remember this. To remember it well, as I didn't think we'd be driving away to that sight many more times at all. There was a sense of impending sorrow. I wanted to remember them this way - together. Click. A picture frozen in my mind.

They walked out my front door together. Medication clouded my mind and my head. I thought about how I wished she could be without her sling. He put his arm around her shoulder and smiled. Click.

My dad walked in the door of our church. Service was over. I thought it odd that he'd show up too late. He asked to talk in private. I was scared something had happened between he and Kelly. The door closed. Derek and I stood watching him. Tears streamed and he said "Jenn, Gramma and Grampa had an accident. Grampa's in ICU, not doing very well. Gramma didn't make it." The room spun. Tears flowed. Heart broke. Click.

My Pastor walks in. I turn to him, desperate for comfort. He holds me close. I step back and see the sorrow in he and Paula's face. I see my husband barely standing. Click.

He's lying in the bed. His face is pale. His eyes are half closed. Blood speckles his face and hands. He's moaning from a pain far beyond physical. Monitors beep, people stare at the floor. Nurses hush as they approach the room. I go to him, so thankful that he is alive. As broken as his heart. Click.

The last people file past her coffin and out the door. It's just "us," the family. He approaches her, tells her goodnight and he loves her. He puts his hand on the coffin and stares one last time at her face. Every inch of his body is slumped in brokenness. He stands alone. Click.

Cold. Snow blowing on the ground. People huddled in black. Silence. He is staring at the box that contains her body. He stands alone. Click.

It's time to go home. We've been here all day, trying to fill this empty house with something other than sorrow. As we pull away, I look back. In the doorway, I can see him. Hand raised in farewell. Shoulders slumped, head ducked. He stands alone. Click.

It's Christmas. Her favorite. We are packing up, ready to go home. We've laughed and cried today. Managed to move past the ackward moments and enjoy each other. I look up. He's there, in the living room doorway, leaning on the door jam. Tears flow freely, and his face contorts with sobs held in check. He stands alone. Click.

There's only one person in line ahead of him. His face reflects the joy of the occasion. His eyes hold love for his new daughter-in-law. But there's sadness. It's deep, painful. He's waiting his turn. He stands alone. Click.

Parent picture time. Father, mother, daughter. Son, Father. He stands alone. Click.

Today

Today, I'm writing regarding Psalm 139. I'm reading it, studying it, letting it reach me. Scripture in red. All from Psalm 139. Starting with verse 1.

(1-4)
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

My God knows me. Me. Have you ever considered that? That the God who created the heavens and the earth, set every star in place, and measured the oceans in the palm of His hand, KNOWS me. And He KNOWS you. He knows everything we do. He knows what we're like. He knows our motives. He knows.

(5-6)
You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

He surrounds me. He's before me, He's behind me. His hand is on me. His loving hand. His correcting hand. His guiding hand. His gentle hand. His loving hand. His protecting hand. It's upon me. Me. Flawed, imperfect me. His hand. The hand of God Almighty.

(7-10)
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

The right hand of God will hold me fast. The right hand is the hand of power, of authority. It will hold me. No matter where I go. He's always there. He's never gone. I can never go so far away that He isn't there. In the depths, He's there. When despair, hurt, and anguish overwhelm, He is there, holding me up. When joy, peace, and life flood my being, He is right there with me.

(11-12)
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Darkness. I have been in the darkest of places. Not just physical places, although I've been deep below the earth in caves. In the darkest hour, when my soul longed for nothing more than death, He was there. Even though despair had clouded my vision and was shielding my eyes from the light ahead, He could see. Darkness is not darkness to Him. He can always see. Even when we can't.

(13-14)
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Regardless of what I think about myself, God made me. He doesn't make mistakes. He made me well. I may not have the body I would like. I may have to struggle for what others take for granted. But He made me. He made me able to see, to hear, to taste. I can walk. I can talk. My mind is quick, my Spirit alive, my soul full.

(15-16)
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

He knew who I'd be. He knew what I'd look like. And every day has been ordained. Every. Single. Day. He has a purpose. Each breath I take, every beat of my heart, has a purpose. He has ordained that I should live.

(17-18)
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

When I awake. Here on earth, I wake up after going to sleep. I am still here. And so is He. And one day, I will go to sleep. And when I wake, even though I'll be far from this place, I'll still be with Him. What a glorious hope!

Here, I'm skipping past verses 19-22. Not because they're bad or wrong, but because I'm having a hard time relating to them.

(23-24)
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

God will show me the way. He knows every thought. I don't really know my own heart, but He does. And He sees every way in which I'm wrong, and leads me toward what's right. He leads me toward everylasting life.

Exerpt

Here is an exerpt from my own, personal journal that I keep:

I think that one of the things I appreciate most about my husband is how safe he is. He's predictable. He's stable (well, usually. We all have our moments). I love the safe feeling I have when I'm in his arms. I love how he can reach around me and totally envelop me. I like that he's much larger than I. I like how well I fit there in his arms. I like that he's strong.

There's a similar appreciation with my Pastor. He's always appropriate. It's safe to be around him. And when I most need to feel protected and safe, he's there. There's a fatherly way about his hugs... even though they're always done to the side (with the exception of when Gramma was killed), there's strength, love, and protectiveness conveyed. A certain way of gently pulling the person's head towards his shoulder. It's good.

I'm blessed to have these men in my life. Good men. Godly men. Men who love me. Men who protect me.

First Person.

Our Pastor often encourages us to write out scripture in the first person and then read it aloud. Read this with me, not just in your head. Say the words, let them speak to you.

Isaiah 41:9-13
He took me from the ends of the earth, from its fartherst corners He called me. He said, 'You are my servant'; He has chosen me and has not rejected me. So I will not fear, for He is with me; I will not be dismayed, for I AM is my God. He will strengthen me and help me; He will uphold me with His righteous right hand.

All who rage against me will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose me will be as nothing and perish. Though I search for my enemies, I will not find them. Those who wage war against me will be as nothing at all.

For I AM is the Lord, my God, who takes hold of my right hand and says to me, 'Do not fear; I will help you.'

Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet His unfailing love for me will not be shaken, nor His convenant of peace removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on me.

This one, I'm not putting into first person. I'm leaving it as is.
Isaiah 55:6-11
Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, for He will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow came down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud andflourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my Word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Upheaval.

The last two weeks have been full of upheaval. So much that has been the same for so long is suddenly changing. We've moved to a temporary apartment. We'll be here for somewhere between 60 and 120 days. The home of my childhood is no longer recognizable as such. Which is good, considering our intentions, but still... I'm feeling less and less compelled to give birth to our own children, and leaning more and more towards abandoning all treatments. Memories I have suppressed for years are coming to the surface, and I'm trying to figure out how they play into today. Then there's job upheaval. And the recent head injury. Current clotting problems. The growing (literally) pain inside that pushes me towards yet another operation.

And yet, it's all relative. When I start thinking about it all, it seems overwhelming. But it's like God hardwired us with a safety switch. One that only allows so much into the conscious thought process at a time. Because really, this doesn't so bad at all. Well, that, and read these verses with me. I love the fact that no matter what else changes, my Bible doesn't. God's Word is immutable, infallible, and utterly dependable.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Philippians 3:7-11
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead.

Revelation 22:12,13
"Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

There is peace and comfort in the Bible. There is stability and reliability. Even (and especially in) times of upheaval and uncertainty.

Clean.

Tonight, or rather, this morning, there is one verse I cling to. I won't detail why... it's not relevant to most who might be reading this. The verse is found in John chapter 15.

Verse three says:
Now you are clean through the Word which I have spoken unto you.

Now. I am clean. Through the Word. Which He has already spoken to me. When life gets spiritual, emotional, or figurative dirt on us, it's washed off. Through the Word which He has spoken to us. I need that. I need to be reminded of that. Daily. Because daily, I am in need of not just forgiveness for my sins and shortcomings, but also from the dirt this world gets on me. There's more to it, but I won't share here. It seemed that God directed me to this passage yesterday, when I was seeking comfort in the only sure place - His Word.

Today, Part 2

Part two.

I've been thinking about God's mercy. Because in NO way do I deserve forgiveness. And in no way can I maintain right standing with Him. I screw up more than anybody I know. Probably because, like me, other people do a good job of hiding their screw ups. But I can't hide them from myself. So I see the flaws, the failures, the iniquities. And I hate them.

I usually don't "feel" saved. Sometimes, I don't "feel" anything, really. Sometimes, I don't "feel" like going to church. Or reading my Bible. Or praying. And that bothers me. God is so much better than that. And yet...

His mercy. It's new every morning. And no matter how muc hof a failure I am, no matter how much I mess things up, He's there. Always. He promises to never leave or forsake us. And He never does. Because unlike people, God doesn't lie. Ever. He can't. He won't.

Reality?

Something I wonder today is this:

Is there some way, some concrete method, of determining whether a "memory" is in fact a memory, and not just some strange imagining? If so, how does a person go about doing so? And what of the answer? What if the answer is "yes?" Then what? Does knowing that this memory is indeed factual impact life? Is the impact worth it? Is there a benefit to knowing?

But what if the answer is "no?" Then what? How does a person who "remembers" something so vividly go on to accept that this "memory" is in fact "imagination." Does the fact that their imagination "got away" need to be addressed? And what would inspire one's mind to create such things?

That's what's on my mind at the moment. I'll write more later regarding something that's on my mind regarding God. :)

Boxed Out and Bottled In

Packing is less than fun. I wish that they sold automatic packing devices. Something that would go through my home and box up everything and put nice little labels on. I realize we could hire movers for that, but... some strange human digging through MY stuff? Nuh-uh. NO way NO HOW. Right now I'm staring at my office, which has become a pile of boxes and a generalized heap. I'm boxed out for now, so I thought I'd do my "therapy" for the day and write.

The writing helps. Some people tell me I write well, that the communication is well articulated and personable. Whether that's true or not, it's not the reason I write. I write to share me. And in sharing, there's healing. And there's hope - hope that maybe, as people see me triumphing because of what God has done, they'll see hope for themselves.

The thrust of today's post, though, is bottling things in. I do it. I know I do. I know I shouldn't. And yet... I rarely let all those stupid emotions out. It's not so much out of shame or embarassment, and it's not really out of self-sacrificing for the good of those around me. It's a habit, of sorts. More than that, it's engrained in who I am. I don't know how to NOT be like this. I was learning, way back when before my Gramma was killed. But it was so new and foreign that as soon as the storm rose up in front of me, I reverted. I've spent the last 30 months or so more in survival mode than in "thrival" mode. I'm surviving, for sure. I didn't think I would. Didn't know HOW I would. Didn't know if I even wanted to try. But I am.

My dreams of late have been revealing the extent of my bottling up, though. Last night's dream was unique. I dreamt that I was one of an entire room full of hostages. I dreamt that the hostage taker took a "liking" to me. And while it was unpleasant, I dreamt that I had the compassion to see this man for what he really was - hurting, lost, alone. And out of that compassion, I shared my story with him. My secret story - the details of an early childhood that only one other person on this planet has ever known completely about. I pray that that person has forgotten those days - there is no use in remembering. Only pain. In this dream, sharing that touched the hostage taker. He ended up letting everyone go. We were talking about praying when my alarm went off, so I'm not sure what my brain would have had him to do.

It's interesting... always, at every turn in my life, there has been someone. Someone who loved me. Someone who saw me as special. Someone who was removed from my situation and chose to become part of it. And in this present situation, there's nobody like that. God's given me the strength and provision to be okay without that somebody, but it's certainly uncharted territory for me.

Back to bottling things in. Bottled in emotions come out whether we want them to or not. If we resist, it starts as little things - back aches, headaches, stomach aches. If we keep it up, we withdraw further. We get angry, sad, hurt. We feel alone. Keep it up even still, and we turn to things that are hurtful and addictive. That's the danger. And when we're "down" the devil lunges. He's not powerful, really, but he has words. And he uses them as weapons against us. He whispers ideas into our heads that we'd never invent on our own. He brings back the same illogical thoughts until they seem to make sense.

If we let it out, we can stop these last things from happening. It's the only way I know of.

I'm beginning to not make sense - this time for physical reasons. I haven't eaten yet. And I'm hungry. And my suguar is low. Which makes it hard to concentrate. Plus, my arm is fascinating to me right now. Have I mentioned yet that it's purple? Yep. Purple. And a bit cold. But actually less painful than it was yesterday. As I said, bottled in emptions have a way of coming out somehow...

Heavy Load.

Right now, I am heavy. In so many ways, in so many areas.

Something is up, physically. And no, I am not pregnant. I wish I was, but I'm not. A myriad of symptoms, neurological, hematological, and musculoskelatal, maybe endocrine. That's as specific as I'll get. The exactness is irrelevant. What's relevant is that I'm fighting fear. And I'm fighting doubt. Both have been trying to creep in. Questions pop into my mind... what if it's _____? Or _____? Or worse yet - what if the stress of life is just making me crazy and my mind is deceiving my body without my consent or knowledge? Anyway... whatever is going on has caused me to gain weight. I've been eating a lot less, working/exercising more, and have gained weight. Which is wierd - I've always had to fight to gain even a pound, and suddenly 14 pounds in less than two weeks? I'm not fat yet... but if this continues, it won't take long.

What else... I've been struggling with our home situation. Not home situation as in my husband beating me or anything of that sort. But our home situation as in we don't have one as of the 31st. We turned in our notice here, which is something I'll get into next paragraph, anticipating that our house would at least be habitable by the end of this month. Nope. Not even close. It's not really anybody's fault, per se. Sure, if we'd all busted butt the last three months to the point of nearly dropping, maybe we'd be a lot closer - but probably still not there. And so we are finding ourselves scheduled for help moving on Sunday. But right now, our only visible option (which isn't even a for sure one) is moving into a tiny, cramped apartment in a run down building in a neighborhood known for drug raids and crime. I know that my God must have something better - but fear we've missed it somehow.

Going back to the turning in our notice... I pressured Derek, saying it was the right and honorable thing to do, so that our landlord would be able to find a tenant without a lot of overlap. He should not have listened - I was wrong. We should have said "We're renovating a house and will be out by the end of this year, and we'll endeavor to be out before winter." Oh how I regret being so pushy - I've gotten our family into a fine pickle.

I've been struggling with my marriage. Not as in I want out or I'm afraid he's unfaithful or anything. But as in "what in the world was he thinking marrying a person like me?" And in spite of wondering that, it bothers me that he hasn't had the look in a long time. I have been trying to go back to being the woman he fell in love with, but... I feel like I'm falling apart, and his dreams are falling apart with me. Does this sound as crazy as I think it does?

Tonight, we had our church's leadership meeting. Pastor was talking about physical pain - and about how it drains a person. Until they feel like they are hanging on by a thread. I look back at the last several months... and there has been increasing physical pain. There has been emotional strain. There has been financial strain. And it's drained me. I was that person he was referring to - at least, I was one of them. He encouraged us, somewhat firmly, to hold on. To keep struggling, keep trying. I need that reminder. It wouldn't be the same cominf from any random person, or for that matter, from any NOT random person in my life.

The final thing that's been bugging me is that I've been considering having surgery. Again. To remove endometriosis. Again. And just considering that makes me feel so faithless, so much like a failure... Jesus bore my sickness and infirmity on the cross. I don't have to. And yet, here I am, considering surgery for a chronic illness, yet again. This month was worse than last month - I'm bleeding more, hurting more.

So for tonight, that's all I've got.

Hope.

Jeremiah 20:11-14
The Message Bible

...I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing, but have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'll turn things around for you."

For right now, that's all.

Love.

An ocean wide? Maybe so. I don't know - I think it's bigger than all that. God. God is love. If the people I know, who can't even begin to compare to Him, can love the way that they can... how much more He must love.

And that, when I ponder it, overrides everything else. And I couldn't help but consider the words of this song tonight... as we looked at the sky. Something about low, rushing clouds makes the sky seem so much bigger. And God's mercy is even bigger than that.

For now, that's all I'll write.

Wow.

As if things weren't crazy enough...

Our passenger side seat belt is broke. Not sure if I can figure out a way to fix it or not. But that's an incidental...

The crazy thing is this:
This morning, I went to work. My plan, and everyone else's belief, was that I would go in, pick up my work release note allowing me to return to work in HR, take said note to the Occupational Health Clinic, get a quick check, and be sent on my way to work. No such luck. HR sent the note off in interdepartmental mail. No clue where it went. OH couldn't approve me to work without the note. Finally, a copy was found - stating I could return to work following my neuro exam. SO... they sent me to MY clinic, to the neurologist, to beg for a note. I waited two and a half hours, to be brought back by a nurse. Who was just as confused as me. And I am the one with a concussion. :( So, she asked a bunch of questions, did a quick exam, and sent me home to wait for her to call and advise.

Two hours after THAT, I get a call. Based on the scans, the exam, and my answers to questions, I am NOT cleared to work. One more week off. BORING. And frustrating. And totally unfair for my employer. Then, one week of four hour days, provided I am actually feeling better. More phone tag followed this news, and I'm still waiting on my supervisor to acknowledge. AGH!

Overwhelmed...

So today has been significantly overwhelming.

It started this morning when I woke up and realized that we've got less than a month to finish our house. I'm frustrated - it seems our contractor (a.k.a. my father-in-law) doesn't understand that even if it means having to go back and be inconvenienced somewhere down the road, we NEED to get the house done. Because if it isn't done, we're homeless as of July 30th. It continued with the knowledge that if we were to let our cats go - i.e. be adopted out and find new forever homes - it would mean that being without a house could be dealt with for a while. We can live in a tent. I can't stand the thought - we committed to them. And I love them. Especially Furbis. But... I don't see any alternative right now.

Then, we came home from church and I found Furbis in the laundry room, very sick. We took him to the vet, who said it could be a URI, or maybe blood poisoning. She also said that awful word - FIP. :( This has to be turned over to God - I just don't know what else could be done.

Now I'm sitting here, feeling guilty about missing praise and worship service but too worried to leave Furbis alone.

The part of all this that is scary is how hard it is for me to not be offended at a whole lot of people right now. Before we started this project, we asked quite a few people if they'd be willing to help. Almost all of them said yes, and that we could count on it. One couple has been up three times, another once. That's it. So the work has fallen all on us and on our dad. Which is definately not fair to him - he's supposed to be retired. So if you read this and you pray, please pray that I'd stay out of offense. Because no matter what happens, whether we're treated rightly or wrongly, it is still wrong to take offense. It opens the door for a bunch of negative things, plus, it's just plain wrong.

So, in summation: My cat is sick. He'll either get better or he won't, and there's not much we can do about it. Without a tangible miracle, our house won't be ready for us to move into. Meaning whether Furb lives or dies, the others will need to be rehomed, some of our stuff stored, some of it sold or given away, and we'll be in a tent. Because apparently, we need to be out of here by the end of the month because the person interested in renting is about to be evicted from his/her old apartment. We're finding ourselves asking what we did wrong, what we could have changed or done differently, so that we'd have help right now.

There's something else too, but I don't think a blog is the place to write about it. Too public. And it would be too easy for people to find themselves offended. SO... I guess for today, that's all. Just some unloading.

Did I mention my husband had to get stitches in his hand?

Heartbreak, Heartache, and Restoration

Hearts. Not the thing that pumps blood. The thing inside us, that is who we are. They can feel so much joy. So much peace.

Or so much pain.

Life so often hurts. I've heard people say that their heart is broken. I've been there. Broken hearted. Heartbreak goes beyond hurt. Heartbreak is when you've had so much hurt, and you're still in the middle of everything painful, and you don't feel anymore. I've been there. It's awful.

I've also had heartache. Heartache - that pain inside that is physical. It goes beyond sorrow and it goes beyond desperation. It can bring you down, and affect every decision and action.

I look back at my life... there's been a lot of heartache. I've been abandoned. I've been abused. I've been violated. All before the age of 6. I've been depressed. I've seen hope deferred. I've been the only child of a single parent with an illness of unknown origin. I've been afraid I was dying. I've been hurt. I've been suicidal. I've walked so far from God that I didn't know if I could go back. I've had the person who I depended on most ripped away by death. I've blamed myself for that. I've blamed others for it. I've stopped caring. I've inadvertantly broken relationships. I've deliberately broken them.

And in all this? God has provided. I look around me, and there was always, always someone there for me. I've never truly been without. My parents loved me. They always have. I know that. But my family was broken all the same. That's hard on a kid. There were things that happened that I kept from them, even at such a young age. It was a big burden, but easier that way. And yet, although I didn't share it with anybody else, God sent others to help. As I grew older, and things started to matter more, I noticed that people just cared so much. There's nobody I know who hasn't let me down at one time or another - because they are like me. Human. And capable of error. Imperfect. But they were there. There's a lot of them... when I was younger, they were mostly men. My daddy, for one. Alan, for another. But those were expected. And as strange as it sounds, it's the unexpected that really stands out... my martial arts instructor, who never looked at me as though I was crazy, and took the time to really get to know who I am. My other martial arts instructor, who was an outside influence, a mentor, believed in me, believed I would make it when nobody else did, and was a true friend. Yet another martial arts instructor who saw potential and took the time to remind me that there is always space for compassion. A doctor from Pennsylvania who finally helped me see that the connection between soul, spirit, and body is unbreakable. And that if I didn't take care of the first two, the third would break down. A deacon in a new church who opened his house and family to me if ever it was needed. A Pastor who knew my "darkest deeds" and looked me in the eyes and told me I was wanted, and that there was a place for me in "his" church. Friends I didn't know were friends. A husband who somehow, through the craziness of the last almost 3 years, has never wavered in his affection. Who somehow still sees me as an amazing, beautiful person. And those are just the ones that pop into my mind quickly.

I know people who are lonely. I know that there are those who feel like they've got nobody. And I know how that feels. Because in the midst of all those people who cared, I was alone. Nobody knew my secrets. Nobody knew the depths of the pain I felt. At least that's how it seemed. Today, on the other side of much of that, I can see God. I see His face in the smiles of the people I listed above. I can feel His touch in their hands and hear His voice in their words. And I know now that even in my darkest, deepest moment of despair, He was there. And His love is unconditional. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that one. I know my failures, my shortcomings. I know my deliberate sins and the tendencies I have. And I know that sometimes, I feel totally unlovable. And yet, His word says that His love endures forever.

This is the restoration part. The part where I look to heaven and see my King. The part where I am broken on my knees, and He whispers to my heart that He was always there, he's never left me and He never will. The part where I finally begin to see that He truly does love me without merit. And to see that I'll never, ever be able to stop Him from loving me. That's the part the restores me.

I Will Live

Shortly after my Gramma died, I was in a dark, dark place. I stayed there for months. Sometime in June, I was at church. We were singing a new song with the line "I will live to love you. I will live to bring you praise. I will live a child in awe of you." I think that to a lot of people, these were/are just words to nice worship song. But as I sang through it for the first time, I got to thinking.

At that time, I didn't necessarily want to die. I wouldn't have done anything to accelerate or cause it to happen. However, I didn't want to live, either. I, like everyone else I know, would prefer not to be miserable. And while I wasn't suicidal, and I wasn't seeking to harm myself or cause pain to anyone else, heaven was more appealing than ever. There was no will or desire to live.

People told me to "live for her" or to "live for Derek" or "live for God." All of that was nice, but... not particularly inspiring. But as we sang that song, I realized something. It's not about me. I don't live for me. I don't live for kicks. I don't live for fun. I live... for Him. And not just staying alive. I live to love Him and serve Him. Then and there, I got on my knees. I made a promise to my God, a sacred promise. A promise with more meaning than most readers could know. I promised to live. I promised that, not because I was feeling inclined to do otherwise, but because to me, it's the best promise I can make. To live. It means more than simply maintaining respiration and heartbeat. It means choosing life. That's a whole other entry for a different day. But it meant a lot to me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Thinking about that promise. To live.

It's Been a While

So it's been a while. For a lot of things. A while since... I've gotten a full night's sleep, because we've been blessed with the opportunity to bottle raise yet another litter of kittens (well, only two of them this time, but they still eat often). It's been a while since... I have been able to think of Gramma without regret, guilt, and sadness. It's been a while since... my husband and I have spent very long laying in bed talking. It's been a while since... we've prayed together every night. It's been a while since... I last wrote here.

Meanwhile, something's been bothering me. I'm not ready to write here, yet. But it pertains to the book I'm reading - "Driven By Eternity." I do want to write about it - and I want to share it. However, right now, I'm just not ready.

Today, a paragraph really jumped out at me from the book. It's found on page 78 (and for the sake of not stealing, this was written by John Bevere):

"It is complete ignorance for a Christian to disdain an individual who has not received Jesus as their Master for his or her lifestyle. This person's spiritual DNA is to sin, and that is just what he does. What is freaky and completely unnatural is a "believer" who habitually or willfully sins..."

The paragraph goes past that. But I got hung up on that. First, on the the first sentence. It IS ignorance - or hatred - that cause a Christian to disdain anybody who isn't a Christian for what they do. How can we expect any different?

The second part gets me though... the part where it is freaky and completely unnatural is to sin willfully or habitually after being saved. Why? Because I am saved. I often don't feel like it, but the Bible says if I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth, and Jesus is my Lord, then I am saved. But... I have committed sin. Willfully. After being saved. I've even done some things repeatedly. When I was in high school, I fell. Far, and hard. I was so far from God - in my heart. He never left me - I can see that now, when I look back. I was so deep into destructive and hurtful (to others and myself) behavior, depression, unforgiveness and hatred that I (thankfully) can't recall it well enough to even imagine it. That's not what bothers me, so much, though.

Why? Because on May 8th, 2002, a good friend and her family took me with them to a "new church" they'd found recently. At that service, God intervened in my life in a radical, undeniably tangible and visible (and provable) way. When we got there, I was overcome by the atmosphere of worship and love for God. I repented then and there. The rest... well, that's a story for a different day. Suffice to say, I wasn't the only one blessed that night, and I wasn't the only person touched by the changes just in myself. I look at that as my "coming home" after clearly fitting the description of the prodigal. I was the one who was out with the pigs, wishing I could stomach the corn cobs because it was the best I could do for myself. Not literally (I've never been in a pig pen in my life), but figuratively. Spiritually.

But since then? I've willfully sinned. I've lied. I've spoken badly about people. I've been hard toward my husband. I've been selfish. There is one particular instance, which I won't discuss here in such an open format, that stands out. Why? It was deliberate. It was willful. It was a sin of commission. It was outright rebellion. And the consequences? Let me just say the ripples can still be seen today. God didn't punish me for it. But doing so opened the door to the devil to wreak havoc in my thoughts and life. And that bothers me. Mostly because it opens the door to doubt... would I have done that if I was really saved? I know the answer deep down - yes. I'm saved. Redeemed. Spiritually re-born. But I'm still stuck in my body. Flawed. And my soul (mind, will, and emotions) is flawed. I know that. And I know we all sin. But... it bothers me to know that I could so openly rebel against the God who sent His SON to die for me.

Before this makes less sense, and before I get more tired, I need to go to bed. But I'll endeavor to write more frequently in the weeks to come.

Not much to say just now...

God is the author of beauty. And I'm thankful He lets me occasionally capture some of it.